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Elementary School-Aged Kids
What do you do if your 19 YO DD hates you?
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Anonymous
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Dropped out of college, works waiting tables, never calls (unless she needs money), drinks and parties with her friends all the time, dresses absurdly provocatively, makes it apparent that she hates her mother. Has no health insurance, mom still pays her cell phone bill....
How do you "support" your child, communicate that you love her, but refuse to enable her irresponsible choices? |
Anonymous
| Don't pay her cell phone bill...... |
Anonymous
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This is what my parents would have done... They would have allowed me to live at home, with rules such as no drinking, no sleeping out, must be in by set curfew, and proper attire. I would have to keep a job, and they would have probably collected my paychecks to help me budget. They would deduct cell phone out of my pay. They would never give me money of their own but probably a small "allowance" out of my money that they confiscated.
I can see how it works--by providing a roof and meals, emotional support can also be tapped but no "enabling" because there are rules to be followed. I don't know if I would do the same with my DC but my parents would have definitely done this with me if I was crying out for help like your daughter is. |
Anonymous
| Do you know why she does this? |
Anonymous
| OP, back when I used to spend more time hanging around 12-step programs some of my friends used to go to Families Anonymous. I don't know much about it but it might be something that would be helpful. Also if your dd has a drinking problem, you might benefit from investigating programs for friends and families of alcoholics. |
Anonymous
Food, and cutting off cell phone payments. Maybe layering in health insurance. It might not be you she hates, it might be more of a self-esteem issue. This age is a hard one, and dropping out of college is a hard thing. The things you've described are a bit typical of this late adolescence age (having just been there 11 years ago...) I would suggest a few things. 1. Relentlessly invite her for dinner. 2. Tell her how proud of her you are that she supports herself. Let her know how important health insurance is. If you have the means, perhaps pay for that instead of cell phone. 3. In any event, stop paying for cell phone. 4. Tell her about "leaving something to the imagination". She won't look like she's listening, she might not even be listening, but she hears you. Tell her she is beautiful and can do anything she sets her mind to. 5. Rinse, lather and repeat. Just be there. Try to be as non-judgmental as possible, while reaching out to her instead of waiting for her to call you. She'll come around. |
Anonymous
| Great advice 21:49! |
Anonymous
| Is it possible she was sexually molested? If her behavior is drastically different and has changed suddenly this could the reason. |
Anonymous
| Why are you still paying her cell phone bill and I really hope you are not giving her money when she asks. She will only learn the hard way. If you continue to support her, then she will continue to take advantage of you and never grow up. I agree with PP 21:49, that you need to support her with visits and dinner, but don't giver her money and immediately stop paying the phone. |
Anonymous
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Maybe the needing money can be tied to why she should consider going back to college? Its hard to make a living without a college degree- she is seeing this first hand, but maybe missing a bit if too many of the gaps are being bridged by mom.
Curious what your financial arrangement with her was when she was in school? |
Anonymous
OP here. She is not my daughter, she is a close relative. She has genius siblings (valedictorian, phd, that kind of stuff) and a mom she describes as "neurotic". I think a lot of it is that even though she is perfectly competent at schooling, she is not a genius like her siblings and so rather than compete, she gave up. She doesn't want to be anal (and accomplished and degreed and professionally successful) like her mother. And yes I can see why she complains about her mother being "ridiculous" and "crazy" in her type A behaviors sometimes. Add to that a dash of very selfish and really just doesn't seem to care that much about her family. She doesn't seem to love the rest of us as much as we love her, and one another. And yes her parents still give her money sometimes. It's a very sad, disturbing situation. I think the only solution for her is military school, but there are concerns about sending her. She is ridiculously attractive (large breasts, pretty face) and the concerns are she would be a "target" at military school. I am really afraid this girl is going to be just.... lost. |
Anonymous
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Unless something else is going on, she just needs time to grow up. And she needs some distance from the family.
OP: you should try to stay conncected as much as you can by phone and meals. Conversations with you might also help her figure out what she is passionate about which would help with direction. I think after a few months of waitressing, she might be ready go to community college and study there. She doesn't want to be in the big leagues, but it doesn't mean she couldn't be learning something that will help her earn a better living, like nursing or paralegal. Not military school. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Wait, she's not your daughter? Sorry but you shouldn't have made it seem like she was. I have little patience for posters pretending to be someone they're not. Maybe it was unintentional but DD does stand for Dear Daughter, as in your own. |
Anonymous
| She never says it's her DD! |
Anonymous
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I did not say it was my child. I phrased the question in the way I did because I am looking for advice for the mom of the girl in question, who is a relative of mine. Wondering if any moms have been there done that.
The girl is the DD in the situation. |