Navigating age differences between kids, and competition

[Anonymous]

I have on child, about to enter kindergarten. We have close family friends who also have an only, who is entering 2nd grade. We socialize with them a lot, and despite the age difference, our kids get along and usually play well together.

But the problem, which has become more pronounced in recent months, is that our friends often want to engage in competitive activities or will casually encourage competition between the kids. An example: we’ll get together just to hang out, and I’ll bring drawing materials for the kids (the both really like to draw). Then you be if then will suggest the kids both draw the same thing and have a contest to see who can draw it best. Or they’ll want to talk about how the kids are doing in school, but instead of question like who do you play with at recess, or how do you like your teacher, our friends will ask specific questions about reading levels or math skills.

What this turns into is the kids being constantly measured against each other. What it feels like to my kid, and I think this interpretation is a fair one on her part, is like she loses constantly. She’s younger, smaller, and less experienced in everything. I think this current age difference is particularly bad for comparison. Yet my friends will often introduce competition to their dynamic. It’s like setting my kid up to lose. And then people are surprised when my kid is a “sore loser”. What’s amazing is that she’s actually not— she handles it well at first. It’s when she starts to feel like she always loses that I see her starting to get frustrated. Which would be a great time for them to either change the subject or teach their kid how to cut a younger kid a little slack and let her take one. Nope.

How to handle this? How do I help my friends understand that our kids will get along better if we encourage collaborative play instead of head to head competition?

[Anonymous]

Defend your kid. Protect the space from competition.

Her: I’m going to draw a flower!
Them; let’s see who can draw the best flower!
You: nah, just draw whatever makes you happy. This isn’t a competition.

[Anonymous]

I would say something to the adults when the kids aren’t around. If they don’t knock it off, then I’d stop hanging out with them because that is really messed up.

I would also start pushing back when they suggest a contest. And teach your daughter to say she doesn’t want to compete. It’s ok for her to say “I’d rather draw something together” or “I’d like to pick my own idea to draw” if the other parents are pushing for a drawing contest.

They’re asking a kid not even in school yet what reading/math level she is? My kids wouldn’t have known how to answer that question. If they ask you I’d just give them a look and say “she’s 5” in a tone that conveys how insane they are. Or you could just start with total absurdity. “Oh, she just started differential equations, but really she prefers matrices and statistics.”

[Anonymous]

That is messed up… I am sorry for your daughter. Talk to the parents or emphasize that she is 2 years younger and that the older girl should be teaching your daughter, not competing with her. I have 2 daughters that are a rising 1st grader and rising thrid grader. They compete plenty, but we don’t encourage it ever. It has made my you get daughter extremely hard working though and to have tremendous grit (as in her K teachers say they have bavere taught e anyone like her). I think it’s positive overall, but adults should not increase the competition

[Anonymous]

They sound like LOSERS but why are you allowing it sounds toxic AF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Defend your kid. Protect the space from competition.

Her: I’m going to draw a flower!
Them; let’s see who can draw the best flower!
You: nah, just draw whatever makes you happy. This isn’t a competition.

I am extremely conflict avoidant, but even I could handle this. Just speak up gently.

I also claim I don’t k ow what reading level my kid is. I do, but it works to avoid competition and out the other parents in their place. “Oh, I don’t know Larla’s Lexie level. I know she loves reading, and that’s all I care about for now. Where are you traveling this summer?”

But these people definitely don’t sound healthy at all. Do you actually like them?

[Anonymous]

+1 on definitely saying something to the parents when the kids aren't around. This is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I hate this! I don’t know if I would continue spending a lot of time with this family (this is immature and inconsiderate behavior from the parents) but if you do, you have to correct the parents and the child gently but firmly.

If they say “let’s judge which flower is better” say, directly, “no way, we aren’t doing that. Both flowers will be great” If they are trying at any point to insinuate that there kid is smarter/bigger/faster keep pointing out the obvious- your child is younger so the comparison is not fair.

All that said, I wouldn’t feel comfortable hanging out with a family like this even if the kids were the same age. It’s fine if the boys decide to race and one wins but it’s the parents job to support the kids and feeling like they are all doing a good job and that one child isn’t better than the others.

[Anonymous]

I would be very direct about this nonsense.

“I don’t think a competition between a kindergartner and a child two years older is ever going to be a fair fight, do you?”

*mumble mumble snowflake just having fun you’re so sensitive*

“Why on earth do you feel the need to continually pit these two friends against each other?”

*mumble mumble it’s just a game lighten up*

“Thanks, but this isn’t working for us. Let us know when Larla is ready to practice her cooperative play skills and we’ll be glad to bring Darla over again.”

[Anonymous]

Why is every fool named larla on here damn

[Anonymous]

That last sentence you wrote, say exactly that. What kind of a**hole friends do you have?

[Anonymous]

"Let's see whose flower is best!"

"Sure! Do you happen to have one of Larla's flowers she drew when she was 5? Or would you prefer to have Larla draw one now, then we can have Darla draw one in two years when she's going into second grade? That way we're comparing at similar developmental levels."

[Anonymous]

If one of the suggestions doesn't work, I'd just stop meeting with the kids. Let your child go over to a friend's house and schedule your meet up during that time, or if they present a time, schedule a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Defend your kid. Protect the space from competition.

Her: I’m going to draw a flower!
Them; let’s see who can draw the best flower!
You: nah, just draw whatever makes you happy. This isn’t a competition.

exactly this. Advocate for your kid. I’m doing this you will teach her to advocate for herself as she grows and matures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Let's see whose flower is best!"

"Sure! Do you happen to have one of Larla's flowers she drew when she was 5? Or would you prefer to have Larla draw one now, then we can have Darla draw one in two years when she's going into second grade? That way we're comparing at similar developmental levels."

Haha nope. This just makes you see way too into winning a fake competition.