Feeling like a monster when I can't pick up toddler

[Anonymous]

What do you say/how do you comfort your toddler when you physically can't do what they want?

I'm 8 months pregnant and have a DD who turned 2 in May. I'm a mostly SAHM/part time job. She wants to be picked up and carried around a lot, when we are out but also at home. I'm having a hard time doing it lately, especially if I'm also carrying bags, etc. My body is not able to do it all. I feel like a terrible mom because she sobs if I can't pick her up. If DH is home he will step in and try to distract her but she is very fixated on me and DH just won't do and elicits more sobs.

There's a similar issue with playing at home where she wants me to get up and follow her and sit in 10 different specific places in 10 minutes and I am just so tired. Sometimes I say that mama needs to sit here for a while and she gets so upset. She's a really happy kid otherwise but just can't handle me not picking her up, sitting where she wants, etc.

I guess I just need some reinforcement about if it's okay to keep saying "mama's body is tired and I can't pick you up/I need to sit right here", even if it makes her cry. Thanks for any advice.

[Anonymous]

Sit down and cuddle with her. But also recognize that 2 year olds are irrational and their brains are growing and rewiring and the world is overwhelming, and if you were not pregnant and carrying her on demand she'd still be pitching regular fits about something. Her banana was too yellow - that dog looked at me - whatever. This is hitting you in your feels but it's not evidence of child neglect.

[Anonymous]

It's okay to say no and it's okay to not do everything your toddler wants you to do. It's okay to say "mommy is tired! I can't pick you up, but I can snuggle with you on the couch." Or "I can't get that for you right now, let's see how fast you can get it!"

When baby comes you'll still have to say no to your older one, it's okay and they need to know that mom and dad won't do everything for them and with them. It helps them grow. So think of the saying "not right now" as helping them be independent beings instead of feeling like you're disappointing them. Hugs! It's a tiring time.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is absolutely OK! It's good for your toddler to learn here and now that she isn't the center of the universe because once the baby is here, she will probably get even less of your attention (and that's OK).

[Anonymous]

You know how you teach her body autonomy? Well you have that too and it's OK if you can't/ don't want to pick her up.

[Anonymous]

I had a mascetomy recently and so talked to my kids about how I couldn't pick them up or hug them the way I did before, but we could hug in new ways like holding hands. Can you deflect to hand holding when you are out and about? Make sure you offer special time, like "after I finish XYZ, we can read a book together, can you pick out a book for us?" You will have tons of practice juggling competing interests when you have more than one kid and need to prepare your first child to be a sibling.

[Anonymous]

The ‘feeling like a monster’ part actually has to do with you and nothing to do with your child, who’s acting like a normal 2 year old. It is hard to say no to people who really, really want you to do something for them. Women especially are trained from birth to accommodate other people’s wishes and desires to the detriment of their own. It’s a hard habit to break, but you can do it. You have to increase your tolerance for being around someone in distress without going into ‘I’ll fix everything’ mode. You child’s job is to learn how to cope with disappointment. Your job is to be there with her while she copes, NOT to fix everything how she wants it to be. Read the book Boundary Boss. Having healthy boundaries will help all aspects of your life and set you up to be a better parent when the kids are older and the stakes are higher.

[Anonymous]

Sit down and let her sit on your lap.

[Anonymous]

I would just sit down where we were and cuddle - DS1 had to walk, but when he wanted to be picked up he didn’t really want height or transport usually, he wanted closeness. So I came to his level.

[Anonymous]

It's totally ok, OP. 2 year olds don't have a ton of innate empathy usually, but you can teach it to them over time. Set boundaries and take care of yourself. When she cries because you can't or don't want to do something she is asking for, reminds yourself that you aren't just taking care of yourself -- you are also modeling for her what it means to take care of yourself. Do you want her to be an adult who takes care of her body and her health and gives herself time and space when she needs it? If yes, then you need to show her that this is something grownups, even moms (especially moms), do.

We started telling DD "remember mama is a human too" around this age. It became a good way to help DD remember that it was okay for other people, even her mom, to have needs and to meet them. She gets tons of cuddles and attention from us, so she is not deprived. But if I need a minute, or if my body has a limitation and I need to listen to it, I do it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much, PPs, these are helpful replies.

Any advice for when we are out of the house? One example is the gym parking garage. I want her to walk holding my hand but she wants to be carried. I’m carrying a bag and it’s so hard to carry her too, but I can’t sit down in the garage and cuddle.

[Anonymous]

It’s okay to keep saying "mama's body is tired and I can't pick you up/I need to sit right here", even if it makes her cry.

She’s 2. Everything makes her cry. Rocks that are the wrong shape make her cry. Milk that is in the wrong cup makes her cry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much, PPs, these are helpful replies.

Any advice for when we are out of the house? One example is the gym parking garage. I want her to walk holding my hand but she wants to be carried. I’m carrying a bag and it’s so hard to carry her too, but I can’t sit down in the garage and cuddle.

If she won’t reliably walk holding your hand, use a stroller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much, PPs, these are helpful replies.

Any advice for when we are out of the house? One example is the gym parking garage. I want her to walk holding my hand but she wants to be carried. I’m carrying a bag and it’s so hard to carry her too, but I can’t sit down in the garage and cuddle.

Offer choices. “My body is too tired to carry you right now, but I can sit next to you in the car until you’re ready to walk, or you can walk inside and once we get inside you can sit on my lap once I find a chair— which one do you want?” Gently repeat until she chooses. She will learn eventually, OP. Just hold the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much, PPs, these are helpful replies.

Any advice for when we are out of the house? One example is the gym parking garage. I want her to walk holding my hand but she wants to be carried. I’m carrying a bag and it’s so hard to carry her too, but I can’t sit down in the garage and cuddle.

Offer choices. “My body is too tired to carry you right now, but I can sit next to you in the car until you’re ready to walk, or you can walk inside and once we get inside you can sit on my lap once I find a chair— which one do you want?” Gently repeat until she chooses. She will learn eventually, OP. Just hold the line.

OP here, this is good. Thanks.