Playing favorites with the first child

[Anonymous]

What is up with parents being unable to see that they're doing this? I've been seeing this favoritism with so many people in my social and family circles, and have realized that it's mainly being done by parents who themselves were the oldest.

One of my closest friends just gave his son his SUV and bought himself a new one. The old car was only 3 years old and is now worth about $45K. (I know because we had/have almost the exact same car.) But he told his second son that he shouldn't expect to be given a car!?! On his oldest son's 18th birthday they did a destination party in Cancun but they're not planning something similar for the younger son's 18th, which will be next year. Other friends have done similar things. I don't get it. I have only one child so I obviously don't walk in their shoes. Most of them have plenty of money and could afford to give goodies out to all of their children in equal amounts, yet they don't.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Youngest of three here. I agree this dynamic is particularly prevalent when two oldest children marry each other. My oldest sister married and oldest child and they treat their youngest horribly compared to their oldest

[Anonymous]

How would anyone here know? Ask them.

“I saw you gave Billybob your truck for his 18th birthday. Is Jimmyjohn getting one as well when he turns 18? Just trying to figure out expectations for when my son turns 18.”
“Oh he’s not. What’s up with that?”

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s favoritism but maybe there are other reasons. Like maybe kid two picked a more expensive college than first kid so to cover costs they skipped destination party.

But no I’ve never seen crazy unequal behavior be wise of favoritism.

[Anonymous]

I don’t really see this. What do your friends say when you ask about it?

[Anonymous]

It’s not always the oldest. I’ve seen it be the youngest just as often. It’s hard to watch when there’s a golden child if the others are resentful. The youngest in my family was given a lot more but I don’t care. I am the oldest and have always needed less help. As an adult, I am much more financially secure so there are no hard feelings at all. There’s a huge age gap so there wasn’t any jealousy growing up. We saw him as the baby.

[Anonymous]

The people who "don't see it" aren't looking. IME, the people who deny that parents have favorites were the golden child themselves and are likely to be guilty of the same behavior.

Agree that it's not always the oldest. My parents were both the youngest, and both the "golden children" in their families. Interestingly, my older brother was the favorite. My Mother even admitted it after I was grown, and apologized.

It hurt me for a long time, but I'm not bitter about it now. In the long run, it's not necessarily a bad thing to not be the favorite. I grew up to be a much more independent and successful adult. Almost to a fault, though. To this day, I have a hard time believing that I deserve help from others.

[Anonymous]

My parents are like that. Now I have little relationship with them as they still do it and they refuse to see it. I'm fine with not being the favorite or liked but just don't expect me to care for you in your old age when sibling is the POA and also inheriting everything just because I live close. Her responsibility. The sad thing is my kids see it and how they treat me and have zero interest in them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know anyone like this - either you’re a bean counter or you need a better circle.

[Anonymous]

I see favorites, but not always in the dynamic you describe.

Female friend is oldest child. Has two kids. Dotes on the younger one, doesn't ask them to lift a finger while older kid is asked for a ton, physically and emotionally.

BIL is youngest child. Is really harsh on his oldest, youngest can do no wrong.

Favorites exist, but not always as you see.

[Anonymous]

Yup. Youngest of 4. I basically raised myself.

[Anonymous]

I see it very much in DHs family. His brother is definitely “#1 son”.

[Anonymous]

Oh man. This definitely exists but I think the more common dynamic is what we have with our kids- two very very different relationships with two very different kids. My oldest is a twice exceptional kid (gifted + SN) and she has a lot of needs and we spend a ton of time and money to help her. Some of it is obvious (e.g , going to therapy) but some of the accommodations she needs probably seem like us putting her needs over her brother. But I snap at her occasionally despite my best efforts and I’m always so upset with myself. I think she’s an incredible person and love her for who she is but it’s tough sometimes. My younger one is typical and is easier and we have an easier relationship which is very warm. I bet there are people who think I strongly favor the older one and others who think I favor the younger one.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Not all parents have favorites but it’s often interesting how those that do seem incapable of seeing. I think there’s often some willful denial in there, where they have elaborate systems for justifying why one kid gets a lot more attention, praise, or support (sometimes all three). But in the end it’s usually just because they like that kid most.

I know a couple who does this with their eldest daughter to a degree that it seems impossible they wouldn’t see it. They have four kids and 8 grandchildren but if you talk to them, you’d think they only had one kid and that her four children were their only grandkids. They do not speak of the others unless you explicitly ask. The favorite isn’t more successful or more charming or personable. She’s just the favorite. It’s so strange.

[Anonymous]

It happens according to gender too.