Self absorbed AC

[Anonymous]

I have a 24yo daughter and an elderly mother pushing 80. My elderly mother has had a lifetime of narcissistic tendencies, anxiety, type A personality, drama and is generally self absorbed. I'm used to it and in theost recent decade she's mellowed a little but is still fiery.

My daughter came along and as a teenager became very self absorbed etc. I truly thought it was the age and that she'd grow out if it. She went off to college, graduated, started working and is living independently with another housemate. I am proud of her accomplishments. But I am sad to say she is still very self absorbed, type A, and I think a little narcissistic. She is a lot like my mother. Everything is always about her.

I love her if course. But am a little disappointed that she has not matured a little and become more empathetic or less self absorbed. I also sogh BC I've had a lifetime of dealing with my difficult mother who is now in her sunset years. And now my adult daughter. My other AC has a more altruistic empathetic outlook and personality. I know you cannot help your personality.

Have any of you dealt with young adults children who are like this and improve as they mature more?

[Anonymous]

Yes, my own sister who is now mid 30s and exactly like this. It's partly developmental (some people take a lot longer to mature) and it's partly temperamental. You have to take them as you find them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 24yo daughter and an elderly mother pushing 80. My elderly mother has had a lifetime of narcissistic tendencies, anxiety, type A personality, drama and is generally self absorbed. I'm used to it and in theost recent decade she's mellowed a little but is still fiery.

My daughter came along and as a teenager became very self absorbed etc. I truly thought it was the age and that she'd grow out if it. She went off to college, graduated, started working and is living independently with another housemate. I am proud of her accomplishments. But I am sad to say she is still very self absorbed, type A, and I think a little narcissistic. She is a lot like my mother. Everything is always about her.

I love her if course. But am a little disappointed that she has not matured a little and become more empathetic or less self absorbed. I also sogh BC I've had a lifetime of dealing with my difficult mother who is now in her sunset years. And now my adult daughter. My other AC has a more altruistic empathetic outlook and personality. I know you cannot help your personality.

Have any of you dealt with young adults children who are like this and improve as they mature more?

My guess is she didn’t fall far from the tree. You probably have these same characteristics, even if you don’t recognize them in yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 24yo daughter and an elderly mother pushing 80. My elderly mother has had a lifetime of narcissistic tendencies, anxiety, type A personality, drama and is generally self absorbed. I'm used to it and in theost recent decade she's mellowed a little but is still fiery.

My daughter came along and as a teenager became very self absorbed etc. I truly thought it was the age and that she'd grow out if it. She went off to college, graduated, started working and is living independently with another housemate. I am proud of her accomplishments. But I am sad to say she is still very self absorbed, type A, and I think a little narcissistic. She is a lot like my mother. Everything is always about her.

I love her if course. But am a little disappointed that she has not matured a little and become more empathetic or less self absorbed. I also sogh BC I've had a lifetime of dealing with my difficult mother who is now in her sunset years. And now my adult daughter. My other AC has a more altruistic empathetic outlook and personality. I know you cannot help your personality.

Have any of you dealt with young adults children who are like this and improve as they mature more?

My guess is she didn’t fall far from the tree. You probably have these same characteristics, even if you don’t recognize them in yourself.

Wow. Two posts in and already a put down. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Can you be more specific about what you mean by self-absorbed versus altruistic, OP?

I think it’s normal for people in their 20s to be fairly self-absorbed. They are building their adult life and if unmarried and childless, this is a very good time to focus on yourself and your needs. Most people eventually marry and become parents, and that process shifts your focus (or at least divides your energies) onto other people. But before that happens, I personally think it’s okay to put yourself first. I think it can even help make people more altruistic long term because you learn how to care for yourself which is necessary for giving to others. I don’t believe in being so selfless that you neglect your own needs. That ultimately serves no one.

[Anonymous]

I also think it's a generational shift. Women are thankfully, expected less to play only support roles in life, at least while they are single. They can be leaders, outliers, successful at whatever they want. That breeds a kind of focus on self and self promotion that while it existed in previous generations, was definitely not the norm. Hurrah for change I say. Embrace it.

[Anonymous]

I'm always suspicious when people post stuff like this and are vague. Because it can often turn out that someone's complaining about extremely normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm always suspicious when people post stuff like this and are vague. Because it can often turn out that someone's complaining about extremely normal behavior.

I’m the one who asked for examples, and yes. “[Person in my life] is self absorbed” without details usually means that the OP has unreasonable expectations of another person and has decided that anything short of meeting those expectations is self absorbed. I could be wrong here, but OP never came back so I’m probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always suspicious when people post stuff like this and are vague. Because it can often turn out that someone's complaining about extremely normal behavior.

I’m the one who asked for examples, and yes. “[Person in my life] is self absorbed” without details usually means that the OP has unreasonable expectations of another person and has decided that anything short of meeting those expectations is self absorbed. I could be wrong here, but OP never came back so I’m probably not.

OP here. Sorry for delay in response. A few examples...her grandmother is sick and just got out of hospital. AC and I talk about everything going on in AC life. I mention that I am taking grandma to this appt that appt or picking grandma up from rehabilitation etc. AC doesn't really respond or ask anything. AC is not interested.

AC frequently says what about me, say if we are on family vacations. We are planning on say going on an outing with her younger cousins. I realize outings with younger cousins are tedious for AC so I always say to AC if she wants to spend an afternoon doing her own thing, then that's totally understandable. AC gets pouty and idoesnt like attention on others.

AC borrows my car for says on end andnis surprised when I'm asking about getting my car back. AC borrowed car for a few days BC she had a service engine light on. I agreed to lend car for the week. AC just doesn't get around to getting her own car into shop. Until I push BC it's been two weeks and I want my car back.

AC frequently occasionally says how much people love her at work. It is probably true. But I think she is insecure and seeking positive validation.

AC and I will talk and AC will spend 45 minutes discussing her day. At the end of the call we hang up. She rarely asks how I'm doing or how my day is. It's all about AC.

AC is financially independent, oats her own rent phone insurance everything. Welcome to the adult world. AC complains about the cost of her phone plan...of course she has unlimited data. AC wants to get back on family plan from when we used to pay years back BC it's so much cheaper. Same with insurance for car. We don't entertain this idea.

I was having a bad week BC I had been sick and my mother had been unwell, her dad was out of town etc. I told AC that I couldn't talk much that week BC I was really tired and having a tough time with grandmother etc and I told her I was in a mood and it had nothing to do with her that it was just some things I was dealing with, combined with lack of sleep etc. I told AC we could connect say next week after dust settles m AC was offended and thought it was still about her.

[Anonymous]

Ok so this is my advice

Don't lend her your car again, ever
Don't take her on vacation any more - she's too old!
Don't talk to her every single day you're infantilizing her

[Anonymous]

One of my newly adult DC is also just like his evil grandmother. Also his father. You cannot escape genes apparently.

If I could do it over, I would have only adopted.

[Anonymous]

I think she needs to make other friends who will soon tire of her behavior. Maybe she’ll appreciate you more at that time. Or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always suspicious when people post stuff like this and are vague. Because it can often turn out that someone's complaining about extremely normal behavior.

I’m the one who asked for examples, and yes. “[Person in my life] is self absorbed” without details usually means that the OP has unreasonable expectations of another person and has decided that anything short of meeting those expectations is self absorbed. I could be wrong here, but OP never came back so I’m probably not.

OP here. Sorry for delay in response. A few examples...her grandmother is sick and just got out of hospital. AC and I talk about everything going on in AC life. I mention that I am taking grandma to this appt that appt or picking grandma up from rehabilitation etc. AC doesn't really respond or ask anything. AC is not interested.

AC frequently says what about me, say if we are on family vacations. We are planning on say going on an outing with her younger cousins. I realize outings with younger cousins are tedious for AC so I always say to AC if she wants to spend an afternoon doing her own thing, then that's totally understandable. AC gets pouty and idoesnt like attention on others.

AC borrows my car for says on end andnis surprised when I'm asking about getting my car back. AC borrowed car for a few days BC she had a service engine light on. I agreed to lend car for the week. AC just doesn't get around to getting her own car into shop. Until I push BC it's been two weeks and I want my car back.

AC frequently occasionally says how much people love her at work. It is probably true. But I think she is insecure and seeking positive validation.

AC and I will talk and AC will spend 45 minutes discussing her day. At the end of the call we hang up. She rarely asks how I'm doing or how my day is. It's all about AC.

AC is financially independent, oats her own rent phone insurance everything. Welcome to the adult world. AC complains about the cost of her phone plan...of course she has unlimited data. AC wants to get back on family plan from when we used to pay years back BC it's so much cheaper. Same with insurance for car. We don't entertain this idea.

I was having a bad week BC I had been sick and my mother had been unwell, her dad was out of town etc. I told AC that I couldn't talk much that week BC I was really tired and having a tough time with grandmother etc and I told her I was in a mood and it had nothing to do with her that it was just some things I was dealing with, combined with lack of sleep etc. I told AC we could connect say next week after dust settles m AC was offended and thought it was still about her.

OK, so none of this sounds as bad as you were making it out to be. I could go through each example -- maybe she pouts when you spend time with her younger cousins because you suggested she spend the day alone instead of coming along and feels rejected.

Borrowing cars from parents is normal in my experience (distant memory of being that age...).

She's not going to think about your needs or try to take care of you when you're sick when she's in her early 20s. If you want that, you have to spell it out, because I don't think a 20-something adult child would think to be a nurse to their own mom, short of cancer or something else super serious.

Trying to get you to pay for her car insurance, phone, etc. -- I know plenty of people whose parents paid those bills for their young adult children because it was cheaper on a family plan and it made them feel like they were still parents. Not as uncommon as all that.

Anyway....

Your DD is still a work in progress. You are not her peer and she sees you as her mom. You have no idea how she is with other people, really. None of what you cite is as severe as you made her out to be in your original post IMO. Seems fairly normal.

[Anonymous]

Is she an only child? Are you a single mom? I find sometimes only children of single moms can be very self centered

[Anonymous]

She's still young, and her behavior sounds normal albeit a bit bratty. It sounds like you are enabling her with the car and vacation.

My much younger sister is a lot like this with the talk about herself and not asking or showing interest about my life - it might be age, it might be life stage, it might just be her personality. I find other outlets for my own emotional needs (DH, friends, therapist) and accept that the relationship isn't going to be a two way street, so I only give what I can with that knowledge. But I keep engaging when I have the energy because the relationship is important to me. So when I'm exhausted or have my own needs, I don't answer the phone. When I do pick up the phone, I just focus on her and let it be.