Do you monitor elderly parents' finances?

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their 90s, living in their own home and managing their own affairs. Twice my mother has been scammed, over email, losing thousands of dollars. The scammers are persistent and sophisticated. She's changed her bank account numbers, etc. But it might happen again. My siblings want to monitor my folks' finances. This seems a bit extreme, but doing nothing other than educating them over and over is not enough. (Don't send money or gift cards to people you don't know. A tipoff is a sense of urgency--it has to be done NOW or you will be charged or the scammer will lose his job, etc.) They know this. But the next time it could be the deed to their house.
Guidance welcome.

[Anonymous]

Omigish, yes, you should be monitoring your 90 year old parents finances. Don’t leave them to the wolves! There’s nothing “extreme” about it.

[Anonymous]

Wow, they're still independent at 90?

Generally the issue isn't whether you should monitor finances. It's whether your parents will let you. Right now, my 72 year old father is showing subtle signs of cognitive decline, but I know he wouldn't let me monitor anything. He's from a very patriarchal culture and has always thought of himself has a protector, so I don't know what it will take to get him to share any info...

[Anonymous]

OP here. Exactly--they are independent and I think it would sour our relationships in the unlikely event they let me and my siblings monitor their accounts. "Gee, you guys spend a lot on restaurants!" Ugh. My parents have been private about money--it's always a tense topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Exactly--they are independent and I think it would sour our relationships in the unlikely event they let me and my siblings monitor their accounts. "Gee, you guys spend a lot on restaurants!" Ugh. My parents have been private about money--it's always a tense topic.

Well hopefully you’d never say something like that! It should be a watchful eye for large amounts moving around. Perhaps they’d let you or your sibling be joint on an account? You could position it as being able to help them out should something happen to the other?

My dad was very open with me about his finances after my mom died. She always handled it, so it wasn’t hard for me to step into the role.

Surely in their 90s they recognize there’s a time coming where they may need some assistance?

[Anonymous]

We let my mother on her own for too long. She gave away thousands of dollars before we took over. I would definitely get an elder attorney now. Your parents are going to need their money for care.

[Anonymous]

My mother is in her 70s. She does not have dementia but is sometimes scattered. She had a hospital stay so during that month I took over her bill pay. I was looking through her e statement and saw that she had paid the I've fallen and I can't get up company 5400!! The month before and the month after she always paid 54. You guessed it. I called them up and they reversed the charge eventually by sending a paper cheque for the amount. I asked the rep how come they didn't notify her. Rep said it wasn't their policy and that they figured she meant to send 5400 to cover for years and years. Ridiculous. I said to them why would she do that and continue to pay you 54 every month. They had no answer. I think this was Phillips owned company. I was shocked they didn't flag the payment and couldn't care less. I was upset at the company BC that's all they deal with is seniors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is in her 70s. She does not have dementia but is sometimes scattered. She had a hospital stay so during that month I took over her bill pay. I was looking through her e statement and saw that she had paid the I've fallen and I can't get up company 5400!! The month before and the month after she always paid 54. You guessed it. I called them up and they reversed the charge eventually by sending a paper cheque for the amount. I asked the rep how come they didn't notify her. Rep said it wasn't their policy and that they figured she meant to send 5400 to cover for years and years. Ridiculous. I said to them why would she do that and continue to pay you 54 every month. They had no answer. I think this was Phillips owned company. I was shocked they didn't flag the payment and couldn't care less. I was upset at the company BC that's all they deal with is seniors.

Did you expect honesty? Ha. They're out to fleece seniors, of course.

[Anonymous]

Monitor their finances and request access (with their permission) to their health accounts as well. It isn't extreme-it is smart.

I book mine's appointments and take them (or trade with sibling), automated their prescriptions, everything. We check in on finances and I have access to all of their accounts.

[Anonymous]

Yes! Totally yes. My parents are kid 80s and I have been doing all their finances for a few years. Once they sold their home and moved into assisted living I just do it all online for them. They don't really have many costs. If they get a random bill they text me a photo of it and I either deal with it or talk to them about it. I can see their accounts and never question the random spending I am seeing except when I see a big charge. But simply talking about it has ended the scam issues. That is the issue with older people just not talking about these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their 90s, living in their own home and managing their own affairs. Twice my mother has been scammed, over email, losing thousands of dollars. The scammers are persistent and sophisticated. She's changed her bank account numbers, etc. But it might happen again. My siblings want to monitor my folks' finances. This seems a bit extreme, but doing nothing other than educating them over and over is not enough. (Don't send money or gift cards to people you don't know. A tipoff is a sense of urgency--it has to be done NOW or you will be charged or the scammer will lose his job, etc.) They know this. But the next time it could be the deed to their house.
Guidance welcome.

I didn’t, and my father lost thousands to people claiming to be veterans charities - a common scam for old white men who watch Fox News and want to “support the troops.” Makes me sick. I asked, but he refused to let me because he was a man! So we just dealt with it, and luckily he still had enough money to live in thanks to a generous IBM pension.

[Anonymous]

Of course!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Exactly--they are independent and I think it would sour our relationships in the unlikely event they let me and my siblings monitor their accounts. "Gee, you guys spend a lot on restaurants!" Ugh. My parents have been private about money--it's always a tense topic.

And you have proof that at least your mother is no longer managing her money responsibly.

The conversation should be "Eventually you will need our help, and if something were to happen suddenly - like an accident or stroke -- and you couldn't authorize access to your accounts, it would be very, very difficult for us to help you. We don't intend to police your spending, but we will ask questions if something unusual arises -- like the money mom sent to the scammers."

[Anonymous]

I have access because I help my parents. They don’t know how to “work the computer.” So I just wound up with access. I put most of their bills on automatic draft and I pick up their mail at the post office.I pay the rest of their bills and throw out all the junk fundraising solicitations before giving them their real mail.

[Anonymous]

It is smart to monitor but you will need their permission if they are independent. We don’t monitor my parents even though it would be helpful. They would not allow it. DH has control over all his mother’s finances at this point because she’s confused by the internet. The real reason is she needs the assistance and has agreed. Something in the middle of these two situations is ideal.