Celebration of life ceremony being held out of state

[Anonymous]

My dad is expected to die at home this week as hospice administers morphine.

I asked my mom about plans for a funeral/celebration of life ceremony, and she said she and her sisters are planning a celebration of life ceremony at a vacation spot my family has been going to out of state for generations.

I have an infant at home, and we decided not to go on vacation there months ago since it is a 7 hour drive and very costly to rent a car up there.

My mom said she wanted to hold a celebration of life ceremony up there since so many family members will be up there already during the last week in July. She said they will plan a funeral as well in-state but I haven’t heard any details.

I was told that there is a zoom link I can log in to for the celebration of life ceremony out of state. But I can’t help but feel left out of this celebration. It’s my dad and I’m not even going to be there.

We discussed the possibility of booking plane tickets/getting a rental car, but my husband does not have time off then and I’m supposed to be putting my infant in day care the week of the celebration of life.

I know that I am not the only family member who won’t be there but something feels weird about zooming in to my own father’s celebration of
life.

[Anonymous]

You should go to the celebration in person via plane. Husband should log on via zoom.

[Anonymous]

I would go by myself for 1-2 days. Or volunteer to help plan the local funeral. Your mother is likely overwhelmed by the death of her partner and isn’t focused on planning two events. It sounds like your dad has been sick for some time, that is very overwhelming to spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should go to the celebration in person via plane. Husband should log on via zoom.

Yes, this.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your impending loss, OP. I understand why your mom wants to hold it there AND why you aren't planning to go. Having attended my grandfather's funeral via zoom (as did my father and most other relatives since it was early in the pandemic) it is weird and also did provide some support and closure.

Is there a faith community you're part of that can recognize your father's loss with you? Would it help you to have some friends or local relatives do a celebration of life with you where you live? Given the situation as it is going to be rather than what you might (reasonably!) wish it would be, I think it's worth thinking about what ritual would help you and see how you can make that happen.

[Anonymous]

You should go alone or with the infant.

I can’t imagine missing a parents funeral due to the cost of a car rental.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to take off and drive you there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should go alone or with the infant.

I can’t imagine missing a parents funeral due to the cost of a car rental.

We are planning a local funeral. The celebration of life ceremony just happens to be held the week that a bunch of my family is there.

[Anonymous]

OP, not many people die when it is convenient for everyone to get together and celebrate their life.

You're conflating the cost of a vacation -- which you decided was not worth the expenses -- with the cost of attending a memorial service for your father.

I think the calculation is different for that. Go to the celebration. Your DH and child should go, too. Worry about the cost later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should go alone or with the infant.

I can’t imagine missing a parents funeral due to the cost of a car rental.

We are planning a local funeral. The celebration of life ceremony just happens to be held the week that a bunch of my family is there.

I think people are confused by your post OP. Are you just looking to vent? IME here it’s super common for posters to want to help and offer solutions. If this is just a vent, I think it would be helpful to be clear so everyone stands down on solutions.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are attending the funeral, right? If so, it’s OK to Zoom a celebration of life. I think the funeral is the important thing, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are attending the funeral, right? If so, it’s OK to Zoom a celebration of life. I think the funeral is the important thing, right?

+1. You should try to go to both but the funeral is more important, IMO. My father passed away under similar circumstances several years ago. I could not be there when he died due to my DC’s needs. The funeral was held a month later and I saw him before they closed the casket. It helped me accept that he had died.

[Anonymous]

You need to go, ideally with your family. This is not about you and there might be some inconvenience.

[Anonymous]

I'm kinda confused here because I thought "the celebration of life" was the phrase that replaced "the funeral" because "funeral" sounds like a downer. They're not the same thing?

In any event, OP, why not have your DH watch the infant for a few days while you go up there and back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should go alone or with the infant.

I can’t imagine missing a parents funeral due to the cost of a car rental.

We are planning a local funeral. The celebration of life ceremony just happens to be held the week that a bunch of my family is there.

I think people are confused by your post OP. Are you just looking to vent? IME here it’s super common for posters to want to help and offer solutions. If this is just a vent, I think it would be helpful to be clear so everyone stands down on solutions.

I’m trying to decide if I should go as this celebration of life ceremony was just brought up to me the other day. I told my
mom this evening I planned to help with the local funeral.