Moms of mixed-race babies....

Anonymous
How do you respond if people tell you that your child looks nothing like you?

I am white and my husband is north african... and since infancy (DS is 8 months) I get comments like:
wow! DS really looks nothing like you!
DS looks just like DH- that is so strange that he missed out on everything from you!
if you hadn't carried DS no one would believe he was yours.

I mean, I get it, DS looks a lot like DH, and I love that, but why do people feel compelled to tell me that all the time and how should I respond? Right now, I just kind of shrug and smile. There is a difference between noticing that a baby looks more like one parent and telling a mother that it appears that she adopted her son.
Anonymous
There's a great blog I read from time to time that touches on these issues: http://www.imnotthenanny.com/
Anonymous
I would get that all the time and my parents are not even mixed race. I look a lot like my dad and nothing like my mom.

I never felt offended neither my mom. I don't understand what's your issue here...

Now that I'm pregnant I'm asking heaven for DS to look like DH. We're a mixed race couple and I don't think that it's about race.
Anonymous
My friends, both white, have 2 kids that look exactly like the dad. I always joke with my friend about how he wouldnt let her donate any of her genes. I never thought it was that big a deal and I certainly dont mean to offend her. I am pretty sure she doesnt find it offensive.
Anonymous
You could just make a joke of it and say "I agree, and I hope he gets my smarts, sweat glands etc.!" whatever you choose. DS is mixed race and looks nothing like either of us- or as we like to think a perfect blend. Not sure what the major issue is...
Anonymous
Mom of 2 mixed race kids (I am white, DH is black). I get comments all the time how my DD looks so much like me and my DS looks like my husband. I never thought of it as a race thing, I mean my kids definitely have darker skin than I do but I figured my son not looking like me was good because he has my DH's dimples and smile.

I will say that when my DD was young (<1 year) I had a couple comments about whether she was adopted but I usually responded with "no I gave birth to her." This hasn't happened since (she is now 3). Anyway, not sure what to tell you OP, people say rude things all the time, maybe if you can come up with some canned response that fits the situation at least you'll be prepared.
Anonymous
OP here. I didn't mean to imply that I was offended by the comments. I am THRILLED that DS looks like DH I hope all the kids look more like him. I'm just wondering what the appropriate response is to statements like the ones I listed above. In a way the question could apply to any baby that looks more like one parent than the other, but there also seems to be an underlying question when people make the comments... I don't really know how to describe it. Sort of the same awkward curiousity that people articulated when I was pregnant, discussing what "color" my baby would be. I really am more amused/perplexed by the comments...
Anonymous
I think if OP was an adoptive parent she would understand the issue better. I'm a nanny for 3 adoptive children and I get comments all the time. I just brush them off.
People often ask if it's a nanny share, if I have 3 different husbands... people can be nasty.
Getting offended or not is INSIDE of YOU.
Anonymous
Like several PPs, I'm not in a mixed-race marriage but still get comments about my son looking nothing like me. Unlike the PPs, it bothers me--makes me feel somehow passed over. I usually just make a joke about it being proof that I'm an honest women--that makes people uncomfortable, which is my little revenge.

(For me I think the roots of my being uncomfortable with this go back to my childhood. My mom always insisted I was just like her and my sister was just like my dad, and she refused to see any of his genes in me or hers in my sister. So I think it pushes those buttons when people say similar things about my son.)
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I would get that all the time and my parents are not even mixed race. I look a lot like my dad and nothing like my mom.

I never felt offended neither my mom. I don't understand what's your issue here...

Now that I'm pregnant I'm asking heaven for DS to look like DH. We're a mixed race couple and I don't think that it's about race.


Same here -- always told I look like dad (and my parents are the same race). I am always told that my mixed race daughter looks like DH (even by my family). I'm not sure how I can be offended -- she does look like my DH, just like I look like my dad.
Anonymous
My friend is white and her husband is Asian. She is often asked if her kids are adopted and the worst is - how did you get a boy???
Anonymous
I am currently going through this as I am Black and my son is very pale, with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I also went through it with my daughter who is just as light with red hair and blue eyes. The comments you are talking about don't bother me. I feel as if they are almost standard regardless of race. The ones that bother me are, "He's cute! Where's his mother?", and "He doesn't look Black at all!" and things of that nature.

OP there is a fine line between natural curiosity from people that mean well and someone just being insulting. And a lot of times that can be as simple as a stranger making the comment as opposed to a family member or friend. I would try not to be too sensitive, but call them out when they cross the line into insulting.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I think if OP was an adoptive parent she would understand the issue better. I'm a nanny for 3 adoptive children and I get comments all the time. I just brush them off.
People often ask if it's a nanny share, if I have 3 different husbands... people can be nasty.
Getting offended or not is INSIDE of YOU.


I'm sure you meant well, but your comment makes no sense. If OP was an adoptive parent, she would

- not be getting comments that a baby she and her husband adopted looked like the husband; and
- would be able to respond (if she wished) with the information that her baby was adopted.

Further, if OP were a nanny to adopted babies, she would not be mistaken for the nanny - she would BE the nanny.

The problem is that OP is put in an awkward situation by people who assume that she has nothing to do with the biological origins of her baby.

OP, this happens to me as well on occasion (I am brown-skinned and my husband is fair, and our baby is lighter-skinned), but I really don't engage on this, except to correct people who think I'm the nanny, and just say something acknowledging how unpredictably marvelous children are. I'm temporizing, but I haven't figured out a totally comfortable response as yet - I figure I still have some time before our baby grows enough to be observing and asking questions, and those are the ones I want to be really prepared to answer.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think if OP was an adoptive parent she would understand the issue better. I'm a nanny for 3 adoptive children and I get comments all the time. I just brush them off.
People often ask if it's a nanny share, if I have 3 different husbands... people can be nasty.
Getting offended or not is INSIDE of YOU.


I'm sure you meant well, but your comment makes no sense. If OP was an adoptive parent, she would

- not be getting comments that a baby she and her husband adopted looked like the husband; and
- would be able to respond (if she wished) with the information that her baby was adopted.

Further, if OP were a nanny to adopted babies, she would not be mistaken for the nanny - she would BE the nanny.

The problem is that OP is put in an awkward situation by people who assume that she has nothing to do with the biological origins of her baby.

OP, this happens to me as well on occasion (I am brown-skinned and my husband is fair, and our baby is lighter-skinned), but I really don't engage on this, except to correct people who think I'm the nanny, and just say something acknowledging how unpredictably marvelous children are. I'm temporizing, but I haven't figured out a totally comfortable response as yet - I figure I still have some time before our baby grows enough to be observing and asking questions, and those are the ones I want to be really prepared to answer.


it doesn't make sense if you don't want it to.
my point is that people can be nasty or just clueless and there's no reason to be offended. there's no "answer" to such comments, people say things and we shouldn't be offended by their lack of manners or inability to shut their mouths.
Anonymous
OP, I don't have any genius ideas for you--just wanted to tell you that I understand where you're coming from. I'm half Asian/half white, and DH is white, so we don't look THAT different, and we don't really have this issue. But I know it bothered my (white) mom when people would say my brother and I looked like my Asian dad and not like her, or ask her if we were adopted. Even if it's not intentional, it can be hurtful. I like the response, "Well, I gave birth to him, so I know he's mine!" or something like that.

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