Frustrated mini vent. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

[Anonymous]

I arranged for a sitter and planned a surprise date for me and dh for sat night. When I told him, his reaction was less than enthusiastic. “Oh. Where? Why that day? Is there something special going on?”

What a buzzkill. Not one positive word smile or vibe of excitement. Can’t remember the last time he initiated anything. I was tired of it so I took Matters into my own hands and planned coordinated the damn thing myself. And then to get that reaction? I honestly want to say forget it, and take myself on a solo date instead.

[Anonymous]

Some people don't like surprises. They have something in mind for a time period and find it difficult to suddenly change gears, even if your motives were good. Planning and agreeing together on an activity might be a better approach for such personalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I arranged for a sitter and planned a surprise date for me and dh for sat night. When I told him, his reaction was less than enthusiastic. “Oh. Where? Why that day? Is there something special going on?”

What a buzzkill. Not one positive word smile or vibe of excitement. Can’t remember the last time he initiated anything. I was tired of it so I took Matters into my own hands and planned coordinated the damn thing myself. And then to get that reaction? I honestly want to say forget it, and take myself on a solo date instead.

I would try to talk to him about this disappointment in a nonjudgmental, nonconfrontational way.

[Anonymous]

I would guess the reason he doesn't initiate is because he doesn't want to go out that much, which is probably related to his reaction here, too. If you can, I would just tell him: Hey I need this, and I need you to show some enthusiasm, so please, even if it's just for me, act like you are excited.

[Anonymous]

He was worried he had forgotten an anniversary or your birthday. He may be more excited when it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was worried he had forgotten an anniversary or your birthday. He may be more excited when it happens.

He heh. I think this is it.

[Anonymous]

Many people don't like surprises, unless it's something you know he absolutely would love, like favorite bottle of scotch or tickets to NBA finals.

[Anonymous]

"I was just trying to do something fun and spontaneous, but I can cancel or go on my own if you're not into it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I arranged for a sitter and planned a surprise date for me and dh for sat night. When I told him, his reaction was less than enthusiastic. “Oh. Where? Why that day? Is there something special going on?”

What a buzzkill. Not one positive word smile or vibe of excitement. Can’t remember the last time he initiated anything. I was tired of it so I took Matters into my own hands and planned coordinated the damn thing myself. And then to get that reaction? I honestly want to say forget it, and take myself on a solo date instead.

I wonder if there could be confirmation bias in your perception of his reaction. Yes, he might be unenthusiastic about spending time with you. But he might also just be tired, or confused.

Successful marriages have a rate of 5 positive interactions for 1 negative interaction. You can't change him; you can only change your part in the dance. So you did this elaborate set up . . . that was one positive interaction. Don't follow it with a negative interaction where you think, "See! I shouldn't have bothered!" Instead, assume you misinterpreted his reaction. Assume it wasn't about you. Give the benefit of the doubt. Act like you are happy to spend time with him. Act like you believe he wants to spend time with you.

I honestly think I saved my marriage by doing this. And now the positive interactions are natural. The virtuous cycle is running on its own momentum now. But it takes some serious effort to get the cycle going if it's been stopped for a while. Don't give up if you still have hope of turning the ship around.

[Anonymous]

They were worried they forgot an important anniversary or something and were momentarily thrown. But yeah, be sure to pounce on this opportunity to make them the bad guy and pity yourself. Seems healthy.

[Anonymous]

My DW does stuff like this. I'm rarely as enthusiastic for stuff like this as she is. It's not because I don't want to do it, but I have become more of a creature of habit as I've gotten older.

Go on the date and have a good time. Don't put so much pressure on a date.

[Anonymous]

I think you have gotten some good advice above, but you should absolutely go do some things solo or with friends too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would guess the reason he doesn't initiate is because he doesn't want to go out that much, which is probably related to his reaction here, too. If you can, I would just tell him: Hey I need this, and I need you to show some enthusiasm, so please, even if it's just for me, act like you are excited.

Yup. Same with going exclusive, getting engaged, and having sex. Men will initiate if they want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was worried he had forgotten an anniversary or your birthday. He may be more excited when it happens.

He heh. I think this is it.

Agreed. I could see my spouse saying that too- what’s the occasion or is there some news she’s going to drop.

[Anonymous]

In what way are you “damned if you don’t”? He hardly cares.