Reply to Frustrated mini vent. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I arranged for a sitter and planned a surprise date for me and dh for sat night. When I told him, his reaction was less than enthusiastic. “Oh. Where? Why that day? Is there something special going on?”

What a buzzkill. Not one positive word smile or vibe of excitement. Can’t remember the last time he initiated anything. I was tired of it so I took Matters into my own hands and planned coordinated the damn thing myself. And then to get that reaction? I honestly want to say forget it, and take myself on a solo date instead.

[/quote]

I wonder if there could be confirmation bias in your perception of his reaction. Yes, he might be unenthusiastic about spending time with you. But he might also just be tired, or confused.

Successful marriages have a rate of 5 positive interactions for 1 negative interaction. You can't change him; you can only change your part in the dance. So you did this elaborate set up . . . that was one positive interaction. Don't follow it with a negative interaction where you think, "See! I shouldn't have bothered!" Instead, assume you misinterpreted his reaction. Assume it wasn't about you. Give the benefit of the doubt. Act like you are happy to spend time with him. Act like you believe he wants to spend time with you.

I honestly think I saved my marriage by doing this. And now the positive interactions are natural. The virtuous cycle is running on its own momentum now. But it takes some serious effort to get the cycle going if it's been stopped for a while. Don't give up if you still have hope of turning the ship around.[/quote]

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