How to end a phone call tactfully

[Anonymous]

Almost a year ago my DH father passed away. We were close with FIL and were the only ones in the family accepting of his new wife. As an “outsider” myself, we bonded and enjoyed each other’s company. When FIL passed, I did the bulk of offering support to the wife. I send cards and talk to her on the phone. But there in lies the problem: she wants to talk for HOURS about the same topics, and it is nearly impossible to end the call. I need some tips on quickly ending the call! When I say she’s relentless, I’m not kidding! Last winter on our call, my kid fell and scraped himself up really badly. I was like, “Gotta go, Mary. Liam is bleeding!” She was like, just set the phone down and I will wait. When that didn’t work, she asked me to call back after! We had been talking two hours at this point! I know she’s lonely and enjoys talking about her husband, but sometimes I need to go!

So please, help me before this next call!

[Anonymous]

Call when you are in the car and have an appointment (like the doctor). Let her know upfront that you have 10 minutes.

If at home, ring your own doorbell.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation with my SIL recently. I had to train her and it actually worked. First, I stopped taking all her calls so that we were talking maybe two times a day instead of 5. Then when that became the norm i cut it back to answering only once every other day. As far as getting off the phone, I'd pretend someone else was calling and say "I gotta take this, I'll talk to you later" and when she would ask that I call her back I just wouldn't. It sounds cruel but it worked, know we talk 2 to 3 times a week and the calls vary between quick (15minutes) to longer (1hour). That, I can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in the same situation with my SIL recently. I had to train her and it actually worked. First, I stopped taking all her calls so that we were talking maybe two times a day instead of 5. Then when that became the norm i cut it back to answering only once every other day. As far as getting off the phone, I'd pretend someone else was calling and say "I gotta take this, I'll talk to you later" and when she would ask that I call her back I just wouldn't. It sounds cruel but it worked, know we talk 2 to 3 times a week and the calls vary between quick (15minutes) to longer (1hour). That, I can handle.

Yes. Had to do that with my mother.

[Anonymous]

I announce my phone battery is on 10%, then 5%. Worst case and she still doesn’t stop - oh gosh the call drops!

If she says put the phone down just say “Sorry can’t. Will give a buzz next week. Bye!” And then hang up. That’s not rude. You’ve warned and politely ended. Be the one who pushes the button!

[Anonymous]

When I was just out of college I had a coworker who had a very possessive fiancee and didn't have any friends outside of work, and I was basically his only work friend. His fiancee dumped him and he called me every night crying. I remember one time I saw his name on the caller ID and thought, "I just can't" and I didn't answer. The next day he said, "Did you know yesterday was the first time we haven't talked on the phone in a month?" YES I DID.

Thankfully that was a short lived time of need for him. He went on to marry a wonderful lady who blew his old fiancee out of the water. I hope this is a short-lived time for your FIL's widow as well. I agree with the advice to wean her gradually, slowly reducing both the length and frequency of the calls. I'd also encourage her to play bridge or mahjong or something to meet up with other people. She's obviously lonely and filling the hole left by FIL with phone calls.

The great thing about phones is that you can just hang up, not call back, etc. It's much easier than having a person in your living room who doesn't want to leave. So I'd start doing that on occasion, "Oh shoot, totally forgot about [muffled], gotta go Mary!" and hang up on her before she can ask for a call back. Or if she asks for a call back, say, "I'll do my best! Ok bye!" and then don't call back.

[Anonymous]

In the case of your kid's fall, it's perfectly fine to say, gotta go, kid needs me, bye, and hang up without waiting for her reply. That you waited long enough for her to say, oh just put the phone down and I'll wait, you've given her the power of having the last word.

Even outside the extreme case, do not wait for her to release you, you beg off and hang up first. And only pick up every other call from her, or every 3rd call.

Sometimes with really pushy people, I'll say, Marge I've got my plate full at the moment, I'll call you back tomorrow after 3--talk to you then.

[Anonymous]

1. When you call tell her "Hi, I can only chat for 20 minutes while I'm cooking but wanted to touch base with you." Then after 20 minutes you can say "Sorry Mary, my 20 minutes of free time are up - let's talk again next Tuesday! Have a good week!"

2. Call her when you're going on a walk. Walk for an hour. Then say "My walk has finished and I have to go, but it was great chatting with you! Talk to you Friday"

3. Always tell her when the next time you'll talk is.

[Anonymous]

Say “gotta run” and then just hang up!!!!

[Anonymous]

Obviously you lie and say you have to go. There are endless excuses like:

You have to run out to the store to get food for dinner

You have to put some laundry in

You have to take you kids to soccer practice

You have a work call you need to do

You have some errands you need to do

I mean who really talks on the phone for hours these days. If you feel like you must call this person, do it while in the car then when you get to your destination "ok I'm at the store now" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

You have been tactful, now just move on to being direct. I like the ideas of stating a time up front, then following through, letting her know you've enjoyed the chat but now need to hang up. Then do so.

Maybe you'd have an easier time being firm if you saw it as a little tough love for her? Right now you're an emotional crutch for her. You can encourage her to branch out and seek other support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously you lie and say you have to go. There are endless excuses like:

You have to run out to the store to get food for dinner

You have to put some laundry in

You have to take you kids to soccer practice

You have a work call you need to do

You have some errands you need to do

I mean who really talks on the phone for hours these days. If you feel like you must call this person, do it while in the car then when you get to your destination "ok I'm at the store now" or whatever.

This is not a good tactic. You should not have to provide reasons for why you have to go. When you give reasons, you give them fodder to argue.

You just have to get into the habit of saying "I'm sorry, but I have to go now." If she asks why you need to leave, you say that you have things to take care of where you cannot be on the phone. If she says to put the phone down and come back, you say that you cannot and you will have to talk to her "next time" (do not say when). If she asks, you say you'll be in touch when you have time to talk. If she asks you to call back, say you'll call back when you have time, but do not give a commitment or time.

The point is to be firm that you need to get off the phone, and do not give a commitment to return at a given time.

She is lonely and is latching on to you because you were the one who was friendly and provided support when she lost her husband. That is admirable, but you cannot allow her to completely monopolize your time. You cannot entirely fill the void that losing her partner has caused. You can check in regularly with her, but do so with your own boundaries in place and hold firm to them.

[Anonymous]

I make a lot of calls to relatives on my way to work in the morning. They are up early and it’s a good time to catch up. I tell them I’m at work and need to go in so I’m not late.

[Anonymous]

Respond with a text only after you have hung up if she calls again. “Sorry Larla! I am not able to chat right now. Let’s catch up soon. XOXO.” Don’t answer subsequent calls that day.

[Anonymous]

I think the trick may be to increase the frequency of your calls. Maybe once a month? It sounds like she is very interested in your family and wants to be involved. So call a little more frequently. Also, I like the suggestion about calling while you're in the car. Do it when you have a half hour or forty-five minute drive. Tell her you're calling from the car and will have to hang up when you reach your destination. Even give a five-minute warning like you do when you take the kids to the park or you need them to finish a game before going to bedc.

Also, keep thinking to yourself that it is a blessing to have one more person love your kids and your family unconditionally. I know its hard when you're champing at the bit to get off of the phone, but the shoe could be on the other foot with you desperate for her attention and her ignoring you. Be grateful for what you have!