Constantly asking for play dates with cousins

[Anonymous]

My husband’s sister moved to the DMV last year and is constantly asking to get together for play dates between her kids,7 and 8 and my son, 6. We have never had a great relationship with her; she is very judgmental and has a holier than thou attitude. Her sons also are aggressive toward each other, hitting etc., which is not something I want my son to witness on a regular basis. Our kids are never going to be BFFs.

I have agreed to get the kids together for occasional holidays and some birthdays. My husband is pretty indifferent to his sister so he doesn’t care whether we get together or not. She has been very critical of him over the years, but has been Ms. Sweet to him ever since she moved here.

But the requests from her are now much more frequent, and I find myself making up excuses not to get together. My son has a good number of friends in the area, and we are regularly invited to play dates and birthday parties. I know my SIL is still trying to find her tribe.

How can I get her off my back? Or do I just suck it up and get the cousins together once a quarter?

Thanks for any advice on this.

[Anonymous]

Unless you have excellent reasons yes, you get your child together with his local cousins at least once per quarter. Supervise well if they’re rowdy. Remember, you’re showing your kids how they should treat their family members when they’re adults.

[Anonymous]

Agree, once a quarter is not that big of a deal. Make it a family thing and have your DH help supervise, too.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she moved here during COVID and your kids were the ones her kids connected with (especially if there was distance leaning when they first moved here). I would figure out what you’re comfortable re time together with and tell her your kids have too many activities the other days. You could also be a bit more direct and just say the cousins seems to be growing up with different interests and they won’t be spending as much time together.

[Anonymous]

I’d do a short quarterly outing. Two hours at a museum or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she moved here during COVID and your kids were the ones her kids connected with (especially if there was distance leaning when they first moved here). I would figure out what you’re comfortable re time together with and tell her your kids have too many activities the other days. You could also be a bit more direct and just say the cousins seems to be growing up with different interests and they won’t be spending as much time together.

That last line is terrible advice. I know the relationship isn’t close now but saying something so mean spirited and rude is sore to cause a permanent strain. Wtf? Who would say something like that about a little (likely lonely) cousin?

[Anonymous]

Welll, she asks frequently because you likely say things like you’re busy this weekend, so she asks about the next weekends. If you are contemplating getting together once a quarter, sounds like you don’t see them at all right now. What do your kids want to do?

[Anonymous]

If you see them for holidays and birthdays, that’s definitely enough already. Just say you are busy, which you are and don’t worry about it. If her kids aren’t awful, they will make friends and will become busy themselves. If her kids are awful, you don’t want your kids around them anyway.

[Anonymous]

Once a quarter, plus birthdays and holidays doesn't sound like that much. A colleague once commented that you never know when you're going to need or appreciate family. It took me many years but I learned she was right.

If SIL doesn't like the way you supervise the kids (telling her kids to stop hitting, etc.) maybe she won't want to get together. It sounds like her kids have a lot of energy. You could try physically demanding activities that might help the cousins channel their energy more appropriately. Think trampoline park, water park, etc.

[Anonymous]

Once a quarter is not that much, at all. Make it work by planning outings so that you’re not trapped in the house and kids can use up their energy.

But why are you planning any of this? SIL wants to get together, she can call her brother and make a plan. If she calls or texts you, kick it to DH. His sister, his plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s sister moved to the DMV last year and is constantly asking to get together for play dates between her kids,7 and 8 and my son, 6. We have never had a great relationship with her; she is very judgmental and has a holier than thou attitude. Her sons also are aggressive toward each other, hitting etc., which is not something I want my son to witness on a regular basis. Our kids are never going to be BFFs.

I have agreed to get the kids together for occasional holidays and some birthdays. My husband is pretty indifferent to his sister so he doesn’t care whether we get together or not. She has been very critical of him over the years, but has been Ms. Sweet to him ever since she moved here.

But the requests from her are now much more frequent, and I find myself making up excuses not to get together. My son has a good number of friends in the area, and we are regularly invited to play dates and birthday parties. I know my SIL is still trying to find her tribe.

How can I get her off my back? Or do I just suck it up and get the cousins together once a quarter?

Thanks for any advice on this.

Sounds like her kids aren't making any friends due to their behavior. Get the cousins together once a quarter with a hard stop time.

[Anonymous]

Why are you in charge of plans and logistics for your husband’s family?

“I’ll let Tim know you want to make a plan to get together; he’ll be in touch.”

[Anonymous]

Once every three months doesn’t seem like a lot. Those kids will settle down at some point. As an adult it will be nice for your son to know his cousins well. In your shoes I’d make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once every three months doesn’t seem like a lot. Those kids will settle down at some point. As an adult it will be nice for your son to know his cousins well. In your shoes I’d make it happen.

Can someone please explain to me why OP, herself, should be the one to “make it happen”? Can someone please explain to me why the advice is for OP to “make this happen” instead of her husband handling the logistics and relationships with his own sister?

I mean, my husband doesn’t have a vagina, but somehow he still manages to make us plans with his sister and her family every now and then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once every three months doesn’t seem like a lot. Those kids will settle down at some point. As an adult it will be nice for your son to know his cousins well. In your shoes I’d make it happen.

Can someone please explain to me why OP, herself, should be the one to “make it happen”? Can someone please explain to me why the advice is for OP to “make this happen” instead of her husband handling the logistics and relationships with his own sister?

I mean, my husband doesn’t have a vagina, but somehow he still manages to make us plans with his sister and her family every now and then.

+1