Heartbroken queer....

[Anonymous]

I'm a 34 yo queer woman who just got out of my first serious same-sex relationship. We were 3 yrs going strong until she asked for freedom to date men. I'm crushed because I still love her and she still loves me. Unfortunately, she doesn't see herself being with a woman. We also have a 6 yr age gap between us but I've always been drawn to older women. Any advise on how to move on without resulting to promiscuous behavior as a method of coping? I'm in therapy and have a decent work-life balance. I'm an amazing partner and want someone to see that in me without any apprehension. I just want to find someone to share my life with. Sorry, for the rambling. I've never reached out to a forum for advise. I guess I'm still in disbelief to be completely honest.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. Break-ups are just painful. It sounds like you are doing the right thing with therapy. There’s no going around the pain. You simply have to move through it. Recognize that this is not a linear process. It will get better with time, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t feel fine one day and then sad the next.

Stay busy with friends, work, exercise, therapy, etc. Do not engage with her or try to be friends. It’s way too soon and will just prolong the pain. Give yourself at least a year to have contact with her.

With time and effort, you will move through this. Right now is the time to work on being an amazing partner to yourself. That will put you in the position to be ready for when an equally amazing person comes along.

[Anonymous]

So sorry. Just know she wasn’t the one for you for whatever reason. You will find the right one.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thank you both! I am going to try and distance myself. She wants to remain best friends and have boundaries but this will be a challenge for me. I think I will remove myself for a few months to focus on myself before trying to be friends with her. Keep me in your thoughts as I head back into the single life.

[Anonymous]

I think that's smart, OP, take a break and then see how you feel before you consider hanging out with her again. Sometimes after a breakup, I've given myself a timeframe in which I'm "not allowed" to date. I think that helps keep the pressure off to find someone new and lets you focus on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thank you both! I am going to try and distance myself. She wants to remain best friends and have boundaries but this will be a challenge for me. I think I will remove myself for a few months to focus on myself before trying to be friends with her. Keep me in your thoughts as I head back into the single life.

She doesn’t get to have it both ways. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thank you both! I am going to try and distance myself. She wants to remain best friends and have boundaries but this will be a challenge for me. I think I will remove myself for a few months to focus on myself before trying to be friends with her. Keep me in your thoughts as I head back into the single life.

She doesn’t get to have it both ways. You deserve better.

Oh yeah, no to the “best friend” nonsense. No contact. This is a boundary you need to set to take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP here: We were really good friends before we started dating. She wants to go back to just being friends and I have no idea how to do that nor do I think I can handle being just her friend. You're right that I need to implement boundaries with her. I will take time for myself but a part of me is also ready to put myself back out there too. I've given up seeing my good friends because we were co-dependent on each other's company.

[Anonymous]

OP, I recently was dumped by my first serious same sex partner and it hurt. So. Bad. She wanted freedom to date someone of her religion.
We did (and still do) love each other very much but we tried being friends too soon and it backfired. So I took some time off from her and focused on taking care of myself. I did go on a few dates after the breakup but quickly realized I was not in the right headspace. I also don’t find casual sex appealing.
What helped was joining some queer social groups in my area and focusing on building friendships and community.
I did reconnect to have a friendship with my ex a few months after the breakup, but it is clear that it is over for her since she’s starting to date again. I do still feel sad about it, but not as emotional. I’m just now starting to think about dating again, but not rushing things since I still have some hurt to deal with. It’s hard because I just can’t imagine loving someone as much as I loved her.
Take some time, maybe come hang out me and my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were really good friends before we started dating. She wants to go back to just being friends and I have no idea how to do that nor do I think I can handle being just her friend. You're right that I need to implement boundaries with her. I will take time for myself but a part of me is also ready to put myself back out there too. I've given up seeing my good friends because we were co-dependent on each other's company.

What do you mean by codependent? What went wrong with your friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were really good friends before we started dating. She wants to go back to just being friends and I have no idea how to do that nor do I think I can handle being just her friend. You're right that I need to implement boundaries with her. I will take time for myself but a part of me is also ready to put myself back out there too. I've given up seeing my good friends because we were co-dependent on each other's company.

What do you mean by codependent? What went wrong with your friends?

I’ll translate: OP blew off her friends to spend all her time with ex-girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were really good friends before we started dating. She wants to go back to just being friends and I have no idea how to do that nor do I think I can handle being just her friend. You're right that I need to implement boundaries with her. I will take time for myself but a part of me is also ready to put myself back out there too. I've given up seeing my good friends because we were co-dependent on each other's company.

What do you mean by codependent? What went wrong with your friends?

I’ll translate: OP blew off her friends to spend all her time with ex-girlfriend.

OP Again: Bingo! I blew them all off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recently was dumped by my first serious same sex partner and it hurt. So. Bad. She wanted freedom to date someone of her religion.
We did (and still do) love each other very much but we tried being friends too soon and it backfired. So I took some time off from her and focused on taking care of myself. I did go on a few dates after the breakup but quickly realized I was not in the right headspace. I also don’t find casual sex appealing.
What helped was joining some queer social groups in my area and focusing on building friendships and community.
I did reconnect to have a friendship with my ex a few months after the breakup, but it is clear that it is over for her since she’s starting to date again. I do still feel sad about it, but not as emotional. I’m just now starting to think about dating again, but not rushing things since I still have some hurt to deal with. It’s hard because I just can’t imagine loving someone as much as I loved her.
Take some time, maybe come hang out me and my friends.

OP: I would absolutely enjoy connecting with a queer social group. I've never even thought about that either. I am on meetup but never attended any events. Yes, I'm open to hang out with you and your friends too. That's so kind of you. Thankfully, I'm moving next month into my own apartment and really looking forward to enjoying my own space and taking time to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recently was dumped by my first serious same sex partner and it hurt. So. Bad. She wanted freedom to date someone of her religion.
We did (and still do) love each other very much but we tried being friends too soon and it backfired. So I took some time off from her and focused on taking care of myself. I did go on a few dates after the breakup but quickly realized I was not in the right headspace. I also don’t find casual sex appealing.
What helped was joining some queer social groups in my area and focusing on building friendships and community.
I did reconnect to have a friendship with my ex a few months after the breakup, but it is clear that it is over for her since she’s starting to date again. I do still feel sad about it, but not as emotional. I’m just now starting to think about dating again, but not rushing things since I still have some hurt to deal with. It’s hard because I just can’t imagine loving someone as much as I loved her.
Take some time, maybe come hang out me and my friends.

OP: I would absolutely enjoy connecting with a queer social group. I've never even thought about that either. I am on meetup but never attended any events. Yes, I'm open to hang out with you and your friends too. That's so kind of you. Thankfully, I'm moving next month into my own apartment and really looking forward to enjoying my own space and taking time to myself.

That’s a great plan. The move will help.
Funny enough, I first was on meetup like 3 years ago but never joined any events until I found myself single and heartbroken.
I did have a few friends prior to/during the relationship (which started a few months before the pandemic, but was mostly during the pandemic) but I am especially committed to keeping my friendships going even if I am lucky enough to get into another relationship.
What general geographic area do you live in? Some meetups appear more popular than they actually are, while others look very sparse but are actually very well attended as a result of the group being established outside of meetup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recently was dumped by my first serious same sex partner and it hurt. So. Bad. She wanted freedom to date someone of her religion.
We did (and still do) love each other very much but we tried being friends too soon and it backfired. So I took some time off from her and focused on taking care of myself. I did go on a few dates after the breakup but quickly realized I was not in the right headspace. I also don’t find casual sex appealing.
What helped was joining some queer social groups in my area and focusing on building friendships and community.
I did reconnect to have a friendship with my ex a few months after the breakup, but it is clear that it is over for her since she’s starting to date again. I do still feel sad about it, but not as emotional. I’m just now starting to think about dating again, but not rushing things since I still have some hurt to deal with. It’s hard because I just can’t imagine loving someone as much as I loved her.
Take some time, maybe come hang out me and my friends.

OP: I would absolutely enjoy connecting with a queer social group. I've never even thought about that either. I am on meetup but never attended any events. Yes, I'm open to hang out with you and your friends too. That's so kind of you. Thankfully, I'm moving next month into my own apartment and really looking forward to enjoying my own space and taking time to myself.

That’s a great plan. The move will help.
Funny enough, I first was on meetup like 3 years ago but never joined any events until I found myself single and heartbroken.
I did have a few friends prior to/during the relationship (which started a few months before the pandemic, but was mostly during the pandemic) but I am especially committed to keeping my friendships going even if I am lucky enough to get into another relationship.
What general geographic area do you live in? Some meetups appear more popular than they actually are, while others look very sparse but are actually very well attended as a result of the group being established outside of meetup.

I'll be moving to Columbia but I prefer DC over Baltimore because I'm more familiar with DC. However, I'm open to meeting other queer women especially if I vibe well with them.