Annoying new mom - are we just incompatible?
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Anonymous
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Have a friend (with 11-month-old) that is constantly bailing on meet-ups. 60% of the requests initiated by her. She wants to go to Boston for the weekend - I agree - 8 days before the trip she has to cancel. We plan brunches and museum trips close to home, she waits until 24 hours before to say she can’t make it, no babysitter, or the household is sick.
Then why did you invite me? It’s gotten so bad that I just make the plans with other friends and wave her off but then I get a text from her ‘you three looked like you had fun- wish I was there’. |
Anonymous
| This is just what happens with little kids - they get sick and you have to stay with them. I was supposed to have a playdate with my 2 yr old nephew this afternoon. Except as of yesterday he had 102 fever. He can't play. That's how it goes. |
Anonymous
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I think you have to move her into the category of just invite her to something and if she comes she comes. Don't agree to major plans or activities that will bug you. Like invite her to the beach or if you're ball going out to dinner. If she shows great if not it's not a big deal
She may be your phone call friend or the friend you stop in and have coffee with if she's available for a while. |
Anonymous
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Op, you are entitled to a preference. If it's frustrating, don't plan things with her - and the "wish I was there", you should ignore or block her. You don't need to judge her but you don't need to choose her for a friend either.
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Anonymous
| I think she had different priorities. That’s what I tell myself about other people. Something I may prioritize, someone else may not. Do you have a kid as well? Maybe plan a kid activity and see how that works out. |
Anonymous
| Trying to tease out the situation before I can offer advice. Do you have children? Is it the sort of thing where you want to hang out with her one on one, and those are the meet ups planned- like the boston trip for example was a girls trip?- and she has to bail about half the time because her baby is sick or she can't get a sitter or some other reason? If so, that sounds about normal to me. Maybe not bailing on a trip that involved plane tickets, unless a true emergency, but canceling museum trip or lunch or something, normal. I have kids and so do most of my friends, and if we plan a week ahead of time to hit up a museum and then grab lunch, there is probably a 50-50 chance it will happen and a 50-50 chance one of us will have to cancel because of a sick child, or a lack of babysitter, or a rescheduled t-ball game, or whatever. It's just a season of life. But- if you're not in that season of life- then it's obviously annoying and feels rude. I'd just focus more on friends who don't have young kids for the time being because they will be more on your wavelength. |
Anonymous
| Please get a life and realize that her life has been taken over by a baby. She is probably stretched to her limit and your judgment is ill placed. |
Anonymous
| Give her a break. She has a baby! It sounds like you don't have kids. You have no idea. She probably does wish she was there. Taking care of a baby is overwhelming, especially if there is no family support. You can't just do whatever you want to do anymore. I am surprised she was even making plans with you. Most new moms do not have the time. Basically, plan on no social life until the youngest kid is 3 to 4 years old. |
Anonymous
| Stop making plans with her. Simple. Tell her if she'd like to go last minute and you are free, great but enough is enough. |
Anonymous
Oh, please. She needs to stop making plans with other people if she’s going to constantly flake. |
Anonymous
| My friend used to invite me to go see bands when my baby was just a few months old. “Can’t the dad watch it?” Well, yeah. But I’m not sleeping and the idea of standing for hours broke me. She’d follow it up with , “well, if you change your mind….” I mean it was nice she was trying to include my leaky boobs and questionable pelvic floor durability to her night out, but, pass. She really never tried to work with my schedule even before kids though so wasn’t surprised. |
Anonymous
| The Boston thing seems like a lot to cancel. She probably does want to see you but is overwhelmed. Doesn’t help you, but it’s prob not personal. |
Anonymous
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You're probably incompatible. I have 3 kids and don't really see how having an 11-month-old would cause that kind of flakiness.
There are lots of people in the world who think nothing of making plans and then canceling them. Others hate canceling/flaking out and will do their best not to cancel. Of course, stuff/life happens to everyone at times, and canceling is unavoidable but there are lots and lots of chronic cancel types, and either that will bug you or not. At least, your friend gives you at least 24 hours notice. I once had a friend who kept asking me to take her on a challenging 10-mile hike because she didn't have anyone to go with and didn't want to go alone, which I understand. I finally agreed, but we never ended up going. She bailed on me at 5:30 am in the morning when I was waiting for her outside her house ready to drive her to the trailhead. Stop making plans with her or invite a more reliable friend too so your plans can go ahead even if she decides not to go. |
Anonymous
| Bail now. I have a friend like this. She forgets most of the time when we make plans, I’ve wasted so much time and money. BUT she did me a massive favor at one point so I feel like I owe her and can’t cut her off. So bail now before you’re too enmeshed. |
Anonymous
+1 |