DD upset over move

[Anonymous]

We moved away from DC to be closer to family last June, so almost a year ago now. I have 2 kids, a 9.5yo in 4th grade and a 5yo in K. While my 5yo had a couple rough months being in a new house and asking to “go home”, he settled in really well and is very happy here. It has been much rougher for my older DD. She really misses her old friends, school and where we lived. We really did have an amazing life in DC, but for a variety of reasons we thought it made sense to leave to be closer to both of our parents and siblings. But until Covid, I never thought we would leave, and my DD was definitely blind sided.

DD has made an amazing new group of friends in our new town, is well liked and has a pretty busy social life here, so she certainly isn’t sitting around bored and lonely. But she gets really sad and cries 2-3 times per week over missing her old friends and her old life. She constantly tells us we ruined her life by moving away and she was so happy before. She does acknowledge that her new life here is good and she is happy with her new friends and at her new school, but she strongly preferred DC life and really wants us to consider moving back, which we have no plans to do. Her old best friend came to visit a couple weeks ago and she has been really sad ever since.

Part of me thinks she just needs more time to get used to such a big change, but another part of me feels really bad that we did this to her and she really was such a happy kid before the move. I was thinking maybe it could help her to speak with a psychologist to help manage her sad feelings but DH thinks I am crazy and people move around all the time and she just needs to deal. Does anyone think a therapist could be helpful for something like this, or it’s truly just time she needs?

Any other tips or advice for helping her get through this?

[Anonymous]

It might not be a bad idea to meet with a therapist. At 9.5 (8.5ish when she moved) a year of crying 2-3 a week over a move is excessive. She’s ruminating and needs help getting out of that rut.

[Anonymous]

Listen to her and tell her that you understand it’s been hard and you know she misses her friends. Share with her the ways that you miss your old life and friends too. Cry together. Come up with a plan to come back and visit.

My parents moved us across country and it was so hard for me. My parents thought they were helping me by telling me how great our new town was and how much better it was. Years later I talked to my mom about the move and told her I just wanted her to tell me that she knew it sucked for me. And she agreed she should have.

[Anonymous]

Just wait it out. She'll get over it. And don't have the best friend to visit if it makes her worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might not be a bad idea to meet with a therapist. At 9.5 (8.5ish when she moved) a year of crying 2-3 a week over a move is excessive. She’s ruminating and needs help getting out of that rut.

Was going to say pretty much this exact same thing.

Learning to talk about feelings at a young age is a good thing, and therapy can help facilitate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might not be a bad idea to meet with a therapist. At 9.5 (8.5ish when she moved) a year of crying 2-3 a week over a move is excessive. She’s ruminating and needs help getting out of that rut.

Agree. Talking to someone could help. But where did you love to? Is it a drastically different place? Like super rural or something? Families move. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Can you watch Inside Out? Seems perfect for this situation, plus just lots of empathy and it's normal to be sad for missing your old life, this is actually a grieving process and kids will take some time to get through it. Everyone is different. No need to pathologize it too much as long as you don't see any huge red flags

[Anonymous]

Well it's been a year and I think it can actually take some people - not just kids - to start to begin to feel comfortable in a new place.

I think we always talk about how kids are resilient, kids move all the time, kids bounce back, kids adjust - but we never talk about the journey to was is resilient, what is bouncing back, what is adjustment so we get misled into believing it's something that happens quickly when in fact it might take quite a while.

I think it would be helpful to talk to a therapist but not just your DD but also you and your DH together to get a better idea of what resiliency and bouncing back might look like for your DD and how to support her in the process. It's probably a lot simpler than you both think. Having crying spells every 2 - 3 weeks might seem like a lot but maybe that's just her way of dealing with all emotions. Also consider that as a kid, the move is the biggest emotional change she has had in her young life so when you ask why she is sad, it could be other reasons but at her age she can't quite express them so defaults to telling you it is the move because that is the saddest relatable event she knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to her and tell her that you understand it’s been hard and you know she misses her friends. Share with her the ways that you miss your old life and friends too. Cry together. Come up with a plan to come back and visit.

My parents moved us across country and it was so hard for me. My parents thought they were helping me by telling me how great our new town was and how much better it was. Years later I talked to my mom about the move and told her I just wanted her to tell me that she knew it sucked for me. And she agreed she should have.

This. Maybe you just omitted it from your post, but it sounds like you haven't really allowed her to be sad, or validated her sadness. Stop the cheerleading for a bit ("it's great here, actually") and recognize that she did lose something, and you understand that, and it's ok to be upset about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen to her and tell her that you understand it’s been hard and you know she misses her friends. Share with her the ways that you miss your old life and friends too. Cry together. Come up with a plan to come back and visit.

My parents moved us across country and it was so hard for me. My parents thought they were helping me by telling me how great our new town was and how much better it was. Years later I talked to my mom about the move and told her I just wanted her to tell me that she knew it sucked for me. And she agreed she should have.

This. Maybe you just omitted it from your post, but it sounds like you haven't really allowed her to be sad, or validated her sadness. Stop the cheerleading for a bit ("it's great here, actually") and recognize that she did lose something, and you understand that, and it's ok to be upset about it.

+1

It's like when a family has a second kid and the parents try to reassure the first that "nothing will change," when actually, everything has changed. Don't deny her reality. And, yes, it's absolutely worth at least consulting with a therapist to support your DD. Crying that often, feeling that sad, a year later, is worth talking to a professional about.

It sounds like you feel some guilt about how much the move has affected her, OP. And it sounds like it has, and so it makes sense that you feel guilty. Don't try to push away your own feelings, either. The reality is that while the move is still hard on her, it may still have been overall the best decision for your family--both things can be true. So, acknowledge all the feelings, and get her additional support.

[Anonymous]

Go ahead now and get her on the waitlists for the child therapists in your area. Most child therapists have waitlists right now. There’s a shortage. So get on the waitlists and then if she is still sad in a few months, hopefully there will be some therapist available.

Where did you move to? What area and sort of setting?

[Anonymous]

My kids are 8 and 6 and have moved to four countries across four continents. It’s definitely not easy but it’s also not the end of the world.