What will I feel when mother dies?

[Anonymous]

I lived a nice life as a child and my mother was loving and caring for the most part (but she always had weird ideas about healthy living). She then gradually became a hoarder, and it made my life as a teen and beyond super miserable. She basically pushed me out of the house as her stuff was more important to her than me. I lived on my own since I was 19, and we had a strained relationship ever since I was about 9.
I stayed away from my childhood house and from my parents in general for many years. I have recently started being more present, as they aged, and helping more. However my parents have so many issues it feels impossible to help them, especially as I live very far away.
My attitude towards them is a mix of compassion and irritation.
Now my dad tells me that mom has gotten worse etc, and I caught myself hoping she would die quickly rather than the process being drawn out. I think I will feel relief as I will be able to finally take my childhood house back (it’s not a money thing, it’s worth very little, but more of a psychological issue). I dream about being able to clean it out etc.
However I think I may be wrong and her death might bring great pain.
Has anyone been in a similar situation where a generally loving but difficult/mentally ill parent passed away and you actually felt… relief? And not grief?

[Anonymous]

For me, it felt like the ground being ripped out from under me. It was very discombobulating and painful. Part of that was probably because she was the first person in my life to die. I had never known a single person who died at that point. It wasn't until the ensuing months that I started reliving and processing the painful things I experienced from her when she was alive. I actually still am 8 years later. On the whole, though, she was mostly a loving mom and I loved her.

[Anonymous]

My mom was an alcoholic with whom I cut off most contact a couple years before she died. Like you, she had been making my life very difficult for many years. I felt a huge wave of relief when she died, but I also grieved very much for the mom she could've been, and the one I remember from my early childhood. It was difficult, and still is at times. Hugs, op. These strained parental relationships are really tough.

[Anonymous]

I can’t relate on a lot of your post but will say I felt a great loss of future memories that couldn’t be made. Mourning what could have been, and wasn’t. Parental deaths also make you question your own mortality. It’s hard.

[Anonymous]

I can relate OP. My mom's depression and anxiety is extermalized and she needs a scapegoat-that would be me. Dad kept he in check,but when he died all hell broke lose on me. I have needed to set major boundaries and I too pray she doesn't have a long drawn out death because she will milk it with non-stop guilt trips. I have tried to do what I can without losing my mind. I do think there will be relief when she passes. I have already mourned who she could not be and who i lost when dad stopped being a buffer. I think I might even breathe easier knowing the abusive behavior is OVER.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my mentally ill (and physically ill) mother passed away and there was huge relief, that her suffering was over and honestly, that I didn't have to hear about it 24/7.

I enjoyed the silence.

Then some months passed and I remembered the previous versions of her and I missed those, and I grieved them.

Its ok there is not one set way of feeling / handling this kind of situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you stop examining this. Try living more.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post. I’ve already mourned the mother I wish I’d had. I don’t know what will happen when she dies. I don’t think it will be relief, but I also don’t think I’ll be terribly upset for long.

[Anonymous]

I felt relief and grief. A huge new hole but also one closed. So hard to explain.

[Anonymous]

You will be angry, at what could have been. You will relive your trauma, you will feel sad that you cannot love your mother the way mothers deserve to be loved, and you will feel sad that you were not loved the way you deserved to be. You will feel relief, and then you will feel shame at feeling that relief. Mostly you will feel puzzled and distraught at how your mother became this person, and you will worry that you could have - should have- intervened or confronted her — in a fantasy that you could have fixed this. But you will be okay and you will find a way to honor what was best of her and bury the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived a nice life as a child and my mother was loving and caring for the most part (but she always had weird ideas about healthy living). She then gradually became a hoarder, and it made my life as a teen and beyond super miserable. She basically pushed me out of the house as her stuff was more important to her than me. I lived on my own since I was 19, and we had a strained relationship ever since I was about 9.
I stayed away from my childhood house and from my parents in general for many years. I have recently started being more present, as they aged, and helping more. However my parents have so many issues it feels impossible to help them, especially as I live very far away.
My attitude towards them is a mix of compassion and irritation.
Now my dad tells me that mom has gotten worse etc, and I caught myself hoping she would die quickly rather than the process being drawn out. I think I will feel relief as I will be able to finally take my childhood house back (it’s not a money thing, it’s worth very little, but more of a psychological issue). I dream about being able to clean it out etc.
However I think I may be wrong and her death might bring great pain.
Has anyone been in a similar situation where a generally loving but difficult/mentally ill parent passed away and you actually felt… relief? And not grief?

I felt fine. She chose to be abusive and laughed when I cried. Cut off contact and left home at 19.

[Anonymous]

It was the most awful lonely feeling, I felt adrift and panicky for months (I had lost my father in my 20s; my mother I was early 50s). I was shocked at how it disrupted my perception of my place in this world. Grief therapy helped immensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will be angry, at what could have been. You will relive your trauma, you will feel sad that you cannot love your mother the way mothers deserve to be loved, and you will feel sad that you were not loved the way you deserved to be. You will feel relief, and then you will feel shame at feeling that relief. Mostly you will feel puzzled and distraught at how your mother became this person, and you will worry that you could have - should have- intervened or confronted her — in a fantasy that you could have fixed this. But you will be okay and you will find a way to honor what was best of her and bury the rest.

This is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be angry, at what could have been. You will relive your trauma, you will feel sad that you cannot love your mother the way mothers deserve to be loved, and you will feel sad that you were not loved the way you deserved to be. You will feel relief, and then you will feel shame at feeling that relief. Mostly you will feel puzzled and distraught at how your mother became this person, and you will worry that you could have - should have- intervened or confronted her — in a fantasy that you could have fixed this. But you will be okay and you will find a way to honor what was best of her and bury the rest.

This is spot on.

Wow, thank you for this. Not the OP, but someone who doesn’t like her mother and mourns what could have been from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, it felt like the ground being ripped out from under me. It was very discombobulating and painful. Part of that was probably because she was the first person in my life to die. I had never known a single person who died at that point. It wasn't until the ensuing months that I started reliving and processing the painful things I experienced from her when she was alive. I actually still am 8 years later. On the whole, though, she was mostly a loving mom and I loved her.

This is OP. Took me a while to come back. Thank you for your comment. Did you have a strained relationship as adults, and was she “problematic” as an elderly parent?