Tell me a story about your mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My mom was an excellent homemaker. Each day, we walked in after school to eat a hot lunch and very often the aroma of a cale (no icing) to eat with milk before we went out to play with our friends. She was a loving, calming presence in our home and she created a serene sanctuary for us. She remains the least judgmental, best therapist and amazing guide for all of us even now when all her kids are above 60.

I have had the best childhood and adulthood. The only bad point is that my siblings and I will be devastated when she goes. That is one advantage people who have bad parents have over me. They will not mourn when their parents pass away.

Wrong. We get abused and we mourn when they die. We also mourn the loss of a parental figure our entire lives.

I see one thing your mother could've worked on, developing her children's sense of empathy.

I have sympathy for you because you are describing a Jerry Springer episode. But, yes, I cannot have empathy when I have not seen abusive parents in my family or in the society I was raised in. The kind of widespread parental abuse and neglect. that happens in this country was new to me, when I first immigrated. I actually used to be terrified and be very disturbed when I used to watch the talk shows. They were describing really horrific abuse and there was no societal pressure for parents to behave properly.

To a foreigner, the kind of dysfunctional and angry society and families that USA has is something else. At the same time family, parenthood, motherhood, marriage are so devalued and disrespected in this country that I am sure women feel angry that they are moms and have to care for children. These forums are full of people who hate their children and who hate their parents/ILs, spouses. You name it. If you grew up without love, you may not be able to give love to someone else. How can you? And what does an individual have to lose if he does not have a loving family. Then these people will behave like the criminally insane.

So I guess you would mourn that you were not being loved by your parents. But, you would not mourn their absence. You would not mourn not being able to hug them, kiss them, talk to them. Yes, I have sympathy and I have a lot of pity for you. I cannot say that there can be empathy for you from me, because what you are describing has not been experienced by me.

Sympathy? Yes. Lots. It is horrible for a child to be abused and not have loving parents.

This forum is full of people who are seeking free therapy for real and imagined problems. Some of the parents were actually abusive. Some of the adult children are entitled or narcissists, or both. But don't take this forum as a reflection of American society--it's not. It's a forum of people who want/need to talk about themselves and their real or imagined issues, which makes it unrepresentative of the vast bulk of well-adjusted folks who face minor speed bumps in life and deal with them well.

Look, I am assimilated. Reality is divorce rate is 50%. Pay parity is not there. Gun violence and mental health issues are rampant. No long paid maternity/paternity leave, racism and misogyny is very widespread. This is a very harsh society to live in. Coming from another country, you realize what works and what does not, in a very stark manner.

Oh, give me a break.

You're describing a la-la land. I do not believe you.

Tell us what country you immigrated from so we can maybe consider immigrating to that amazing utopia.

New Zealand.

You’re kidding, right? I have a friend who left New Zealand to get away from her abusive husband. They’re a lot going on out on those sheep stations that no one wants to talk about. And I suspect the Maori have a different take on the level of racism in New Zealand society.

I do not have a single divoced friend or relative. Everyone is not living on sheep stations. Also, gun violence is not common.

[Anonymous]

My mom used to burn us with cigarettes.

Not one of her kids went to her funeral.

[Anonymous]

After my parents divorced my mom alienated me from my dad. I spent my childhood believing her stories and thinking dad was a bad guy until I was a teenager and I realized the dad was a good guy. Once I was an adult I moved away from my mom and focused on making up to my dad for the last time that my mom took me from him. As a result my mother and I are not close in adulthood as her alienation came back to haunt her when I was an adult and figured out what was going on. I still see her on occasion because I wanted to stay close to her extended family. However I don’t do things alone with her and I just see her at family events like weddings and funerals. I’m sure I’ll send her a text on Mother’s Day but I will not visit her whereas Father’s Day I spend with my dad.

Parental alienation is child abuse. Therefore, my mother committed child abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me and her standing in the morning at a pickup place for female day laborers in NYC, waiting until someone shows up offering a day of cleaning for $5/hour.

She was an engineer in our home country, but her motto was and still is "you gotta do what you gotta do". She immigrated here not for herself, but because of me and my brother. Now that she is older, she can be the most whiny, annoying and entitled person ever, but we always remember her sacrifice.

Whiny and 'sacrifice'. Let me guess, she's Chinese?

No, Eastern European.

Croatian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to burn us with cigarettes.

Not one of her kids went to her funeral.

I’m sorry you went through this. xo

[Anonymous]

My mom was an only child, and very immature, but my goodness did she have optimism. The sun was always shining in her little world. She made the best "wacky" cake in the world and would often stay up at night when one of us was having a rough week and bake one, then sneak it in all of our lunches to let us know how much she loved us. I miss her every single day.

[Anonymous]

Lots of great moms in the world.

[Anonymous]

She didn't come to my wedding because my Dad was there. No lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has a great sense of humor but never at the expense of other people. She grew up poor and worked 8 hours a day AND went to college full-time. She is unfailingly nice to everyone. I remember going with her as a child when she was canvassing for the American Cancer Society and we went to a trailer park in our community (I grew up in the rural south). I made some sort of unkind comment about an AirStream (they were NOT considered retro and cool then) and my Mom whirled on me and said, "That is someone's HOME and you NEVER make fun of where someone lives." Her philosophy of successful parenting was that you should strive to raise an adult who could live independently without you. She never once questioned my decision to move to DC, and was always entirely supportive. She is 92 and I talk to her every morning. We can still make each other laugh. Anything I happen to get right as a mother, I learned from her.

You have a great mother, indeed. My mother - terrifically abused (as we all were in the family) in her marriage and left destitute in my teens and with lots of health and addiction problems - never failed to treat everyone kindly. She was the least prejudiced person I knew. She had trouble with school, and she felt bad about herself because school wasn't her thing. My brother and I were top level college athletes and perhaps even better students. She was proud of us but not overly impressed - she didn't fully understand our achievements or motivations and that is ok - she simply wanted us to be happy and treat everyone well. She was generous, and would help anyone in an unfortunate circumstance. She felt she failed as a parent keeping her kids in an abusive environment - and this haunted her every day - crying herself to sleep often. My father deemed me fat dumb and lazy and my mother had to go along with it for survival. I understood she was placed in an impossible situation, with no job skills or practical means to escape. I held no grudges against my mother. My brother and I were left entirely on our own at age 17, but we had opportunity and freedom and were fortunate to handle university on athletic scholarship. She likely only saw the poverty and hardship angle for us as a mother, and didn't realize the joy we felt at being absolutely free and only accountable to ourselves.

She also imparted (unwittingly to some extent, I think) that being low on the poverty scale meant less margin for error. Conduct rich kids could get away with wasn't going to work for us. No drinking at all, no drugs (including pot which is in no way performance enhancing yet is tested for by athletic governing bodies). No blowing off school work and expecting to be covered for as an athlete, although frankly I likely could have taken advantage of that situation (but never did). Very, very cautious with women - likely too cautious - but again had to be risk averse in everything but academics and athletics. Just no other way to survive. These choices impeded social development, but so be it.

She was a great athlete in her youth and it never occurred to her that my brother and I knew how to compete (on talent less than her own) because of her oh so kind kind yet motivating inspiration - she never hovered or was ever over protective - but she clearly cared. To succeed you really had to be intense and bring it, and I never would have had the confidence to do so without my mother. My brother and I took care of her financially from age 30 on - certainly a labor of love.

A story? She never saw my brother and me in college athletic competition so a fund raiser back home was held so she could finally attend an athletic event. I was living in an athletic department apartment and had room for her to stay with me. She had never been in a college class, and I wanted her to experience one. I really did not like humanities courses but needed four of them to graduate. My advisor (not connected with the athletic department) said take religion courses as you will not be hesitant to be critical of the text with no religious background whatsoever and you will do well. He was absolutely right, although I had to take his advice to be exceedingly respectful as well (the school has one of the best religion departments in the nation). In any event, i wasn't going to take her to my stat class or my honors program seminar, so I asked the religion professor if it was OK if my mother could attend a class. He said of course, and must have learned some background about her before the class. Out of his own pocket he bought lunch in for the entire class in honor of my mother, and treated her like royalty. I had to step out as I had tears in my eyes. Of course, my mother chatted it up with everyone, including a future NBA player who immediately connected with her. She was coming out of the throes of addiction then and when people ask about my university that one single day made up for all of the trials and tribulations of being a poor outcast at one of the nation's wealthiest schools.

I told her that she was a great force for good in my life but it never really stuck. She died never really feeling good about herself. The sadness pervades me to this day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom has a great sense of humor but never at the expense of other people. She grew up poor and worked 8 hours a day AND went to college full-time. She is unfailingly nice to everyone. I remember going with her as a child when she was canvassing for the American Cancer Society and we went to a trailer park in our community (I grew up in the rural south). I made some sort of unkind comment about an AirStream (they were NOT considered retro and cool then) and my Mom whirled on me and said, "That is someone's HOME and you NEVER make fun of where someone lives." Her philosophy of successful parenting was that you should strive to raise an adult who could live independently without you. She never once questioned my decision to move to DC, and was always entirely supportive. She is 92 and I talk to her every morning. We can still make each other laugh. Anything I happen to get right as a mother, I learned from her.

You have a great mother, indeed. My mother - terrifically abused (as we all were in the family) in her marriage and left destitute in my teens and with lots of health and addiction problems - never failed to treat everyone kindly. She was the least prejudiced person I knew. She had trouble with school, and she felt bad about herself because school wasn't her thing. My brother and I were top level college athletes and perhaps even better students. She was proud of us but not overly impressed - she didn't fully understand our achievements or motivations and that is ok - she simply wanted us to be happy and treat everyone well. She was generous, and would help anyone in an unfortunate circumstance. She felt she failed as a parent keeping her kids in an abusive environment - and this haunted her every day - crying herself to sleep often. My father deemed me fat dumb and lazy and my mother had to go along with it for survival. I understood she was placed in an impossible situation, with no job skills or practical means to escape. I held no grudges against my mother. My brother and I were left entirely on our own at age 17, but we had opportunity and freedom and were fortunate to handle university on athletic scholarship. She likely only saw the poverty and hardship angle for us as a mother, and didn't realize the joy we felt at being absolutely free and only accountable to ourselves.

She also imparted (unwittingly to some extent, I think) that being low on the poverty scale meant less margin for error. Conduct rich kids could get away with wasn't going to work for us. No drinking at all, no drugs (including pot which is in no way performance enhancing yet is tested for by athletic governing bodies). No blowing off school work and expecting to be covered for as an athlete, although frankly I likely could have taken advantage of that situation (but never did). Very, very cautious with women - likely too cautious - but again had to be risk averse in everything but academics and athletics. Just no other way to survive. These choices impeded social development, but so be it.

She was a great athlete in her youth and it never occurred to her that my brother and I knew how to compete (on talent less than her own) because of her oh so kind kind yet motivating inspiration - she never hovered or was ever over protective - but she clearly cared. To succeed you really had to be intense and bring it, and I never would have had the confidence to do so without my mother. My brother and I took care of her financially from age 30 on - certainly a labor of love.

A story? She never saw my brother and me in college athletic competition so a fund raiser back home was held so she could finally attend an athletic event. I was living in an athletic department apartment and had room for her to stay with me. She had never been in a college class, and I wanted her to experience one. I really did not like humanities courses but needed four of them to graduate. My advisor (not connected with the athletic department) said take religion courses as you will not be hesitant to be critical of the text with no religious background whatsoever and you will do well. He was absolutely right, although I had to take his advice to be exceedingly respectful as well (the school has one of the best religion departments in the nation). In any event, i wasn't going to take her to my stat class or my honors program seminar, so I asked the religion professor if it was OK if my mother could attend a class. He said of course, and must have learned some background about her before the class. Out of his own pocket he bought lunch in for the entire class in honor of my mother, and treated her like royalty. I had to step out as I had tears in my eyes. Of course, my mother chatted it up with everyone, including a future NBA player who immediately connected with her. She was coming out of the throes of addiction then and when people ask about my university that one single day made up for all of the trials and tribulations of being a poor outcast at one of the nation's wealthiest schools.

I told her that she was a great force for good in my life but it never really stuck. She died never really feeling good about herself. The sadness pervades me to this day.

PP, this is very moving, and wonderful. I wish your mom had lived to see you know and appreciate the role she played in your life.

[Anonymous]

I really respect how my mom overcame a terrible upbringing and terrible husband and remained a good, nice person. She was a good mom and raised kids who are now also good people and loving parents.

She is far from perfect but I marvel at the great job she did given what she had to work with.

[Anonymous]

My mom is a narcissist and was always more concerned about appearances than actually caring for her children.
On our first trip, she bought new shiny shoes for me and my sister. I was probably around age 7 or 8. The new shoes had never been worn until the trip. The problem is that I had, and have, wide feet. On every day of the trip, I was in severe pain. I felt like my feet were being cut into by a knife the whole day. I told my mom and I guess she ignored it because I had to wear those new shiny shoes the whole trip for 2 weeks.

To this day, everything is about her. She takes and takes and takes from everyone and then she shames, abuses and criticizes. There is no substance to our relationship. When she passes I don't know if I will cry.

[Anonymous]

My mom was generally pretty tough/critical and we were not close but one day in December when I was 8 she let me skip a day of school to take me to NYC to see all the Christmas decorations and stand on line to meet Santa at Macy's (even though we were Jewish). It is one of my favorite childhood memories and I try to remind myself of that when I am debating doing something fun and special with my kids (like taking a day off work to take them to six flags for a random day off school).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my parents divorced my mom alienated me from my dad. I spent my childhood believing her stories and thinking dad was a bad guy until I was a teenager and I realized the dad was a good guy. Once I was an adult I moved away from my mom and focused on making up to my dad for the last time that my mom took me from him. As a result my mother and I are not close in adulthood as her alienation came back to haunt her when I was an adult and figured out what was going on. I still see her on occasion because I wanted to stay close to her extended family. However I don’t do things alone with her and I just see her at family events like weddings and funerals. I’m sure I’ll send her a text on Mother’s Day but I will not visit her whereas Father’s Day I spend with my dad.

Parental alienation is child abuse. Therefore, my mother committed child abuse.

What do you mean she took you from him? You can’t keep a child from a parent who wants to parent. People in your situation often wrong from one extreme to the other. I wouldn’t let your dad off the hook so easily—kids and adults always idealize the person who isn’t or wasn’t around and there’s a reason she left him if she did. The person who was there day to day deserves some credit for raising you especially if they did so mostly alone. You’re oversimplifying.

[Anonymous]

My mom suffered an ego wound in early childhood and developed a strongly narcissistic personality. She then found an even bigger narcissist to marry and together they inflicted great psychological and physical damage on their children who are all dysfunctional adults now. I’m grateful that my mother had the grace to die relatively young so there is some oxygen available to her kids to do some healing before we die ourselves.