How do get my almost 4 year old to stop crying over every little no?

[Anonymous]

Every time my almost 4 year old is told no he bursts into tears to get attention. This could be if we said no to ice cream at a restaurant.
Help us with this. It’s so excessive!

[Anonymous]

Stop giving him attention for crying.

[Anonymous]

He is upset, and expressing that. I'm assuming it's just crying and not demanding the ice cream and throwing himself on the floor? 3 year olds cry!

[Anonymous]

I would just let him cry. Crying is ok.

[Anonymous]

You're not alone, if it's any consolation. Just turned 4 DD cannot even deal with a no - it's total drama city. We pretty much just keep even keel and the storm passes pretty quickly unless other factors are at play (tired, hungry, the usual). Sending commiseration your way!

[Anonymous]

Instead of saying "no", spin it.

No ordering icecream for dessert at a restaurant? Pivot to say "we have oreos at home instead" or whatever.
Nobody likes to hear "no" especially when you want something. Surely, you understand.

[Anonymous]

Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of saying "no", spin it.

No ordering icecream for dessert at a restaurant? Pivot to say "we have oreos at home instead" or whatever.
Nobody likes to hear "no" especially when you want something. Surely, you understand.

Just imagine little Larla going to kindergarten and being told no for the first time at school.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how you know if it’s for attention, or not. It’s okay to have feelings and express them. It’s not okay to disturb others, so if he is sobbing in public, take him out for a minute to settle down.

He needs to learn to use words and you will have to practice with him. He should be learning to say that he is disappointed and sad, and as he matures, he will realize that no ice cream this time doesn’t mean no ice cream for the rest of his life.

In the moment, you should say that you can see that he is upset and give him a hug and move on.

Your post sounds like you’re angry with him. A small child cannot control his emotions. You should read about helping children manage their strong feelings.

[Anonymous]

Well, as you said, he's doing it to get attention. So give him some, but don't give him the emotional payoff he is seeking. Mine is older now, but when he cried, I'd acknowledge and say "I know it is frustrating when you want something and can't have it." and then I'd sing the Daniel Tiger song about how it's ok to be sad.

That worked, but what worked better was - if I knew there was a trigger event like being at the store and wanting to get a toy, I'd tell him beforehand that if he did whining and crying inside the store he'd lose a a privilege. So, if you know you are going to be doing something like walking past an ice cream store, set the expectation for the behavior before you go.

[Anonymous]

Don't give him the attention. Respect his feelings and suggest he take a few minutes to calm down. Go sit on the couch, pet the dog, whatever helps him regain control.

When you are out, prepare him for what you know might come up. "We are going out to dinner tonight. We will not be having dessert at the restaurant, but we will have appetizers and main courses." Or something like that. "We are going to buy Tom's birthday present. We aren't buying anything for ourselves. Do you think Tom wants legos? Or an action figure?" That way he can be sad on the way there and recover by the time you get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of saying "no", spin it.

No ordering icecream for dessert at a restaurant? Pivot to say "we have oreos at home instead" or whatever.
Nobody likes to hear "no" especially when you want something. Surely, you understand.

Just imagine little Larla going to kindergarten and being told no for the first time at school.

And then the mom asking the teacher why she didn't pivot.

[Anonymous]

My kid was like this and turns out she has ADHD and ASD. I didn’t handle it well before I knew that, and that has caused issues.

[Anonymous]

“I can tell you’re disappointed. Let me know when you’re done crying.”

Then ignore and move on with whatever you’re doing.

Later, when your kid is fine, you can teach into it. Role play a scenario where kid asks for something and hears a no. Model what he can say. “I’m disappointed. I need a moment.” Show how to take some calming breaths. Practice with each taking turn. Ask kid to name which strategy he wants to try next time. Then when you say no to something, you can prompt him to use it.

[Anonymous]

Extremely normal for a 3 year old. It's not "for attention". It's the only coping mechanism he has for dealing with not getting something he wants. Also, he's at a an age where wants and needs are fairly indistinguishable. He's previously cried for needs (food, a dirty diaper, comfort, attention to an injury, etc.). So he's doing that. Normal.

You explain the no. Does not need to be involved, can be as simple as "No snacks right now because dinner is in 30 minutes" or "No, we have to leave because it's nap time" or whatever. If he cries, you say "It's okay to be upset but the answer is still no." If the crying goes on, you can offer comfort or empathy (a hug or "I know it's hard to hear no") but you don't change the no to a yes.

With time, they get used to hearing no for certain things and don't get as upset. They also learn that crying can be a way to express sadness but does not automatically make you give them what they want, a very useful lesson. They also learn other coping mechanisms (like asking for a hug or making a different request or simple doing something else until they forget) and will do that instead of crying.

Your 3yo is not manipulating you. They may be attention seeking, but that is normal and healthy because a 3yo human is fairly helpless in the world and their ability to get food, shelter, emotional comfort and other needs is entirely dependent on their ability to attract your attention when necessary. Your job as their parent is to help them get those needs met, by both meeting them yourself and teaching them to get them met in other ways. It's not a trick. It's literally just parenting.