Can you cure a slob?
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Anonymous
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My DH is a complete slob. We’ve been married 15 years and I’m fed up. He doesn’t “see” mess. If a room is clean, he will make it messy again in no time. Clothes everywhere, stuff everywhere… even when he cleans, often is just seems to make things more messy and more chaotic. Don’t even get me started on his bathroom habits. He’s always been like this.
What is the solution? I feel like we need a full-time housekeeper just to follow him around and pick up after him. That would be a huge stretch, but at this point I’m seriously considering how to make sometime like that work so that we don’t have to divorce. I’m completely overwhelmed with the chaos, mess, and clutter. I work FT, we have 3 kids (under 7), and a dog. If you have any ideas to help, please share! |
Anonymous
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My husband was like this. Was. It was one of many issues before the infidelity. I learned you can't teach a dog new tricks. Move to a smaller house. Hire a housekeeper. Quit your job. Fixing him won't work. Now that he's gone, I actually have time to clean my house because he's not messing it up and the kids are cleaning the house too. We organized everything and our house is now never messy. In one year went from mess every day to no mess other than maybe one day a month.
I've stopped asking people to do things. It just builds resentment. |
Anonymous
| Yes you can, but you have to be patient and it doesn't happen overnight |
Anonymous
| Once I took ownership of the cleaning and didn't have anyone telling others not to bother cleaning, I was able to fix the problem. The problem in our house was twofold. One, I was asking him to clean and he didn't want to. Two, he was negating everything I was doing with the kids. The only solution I've found is to take full ownership of the task and then tell everyone else to stay away from the task. |
Anonymous
| Eventually someone like him might fall in line, but he has to get used to this way of life and it takes a long time and you are not going to have him create it. He eventually will be involved in maintaining it if he loves you. But won't create the lifestyle of readily buy into why it's important. |
Anonymous
| He probably lacks executive functioning. Kondo his stuff and that will make it easier for him. |
Anonymous
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There's no way this guy wasn't a slob when you were dating him. Yet you married him and so here you are. Own your choices. This is exactly what you signed up for.
The easiest solution for you, and the best solution for your kids, is stop caring about "mess". If "stuff" is everywhere, then in the grand scheme of things... so what? Put it in perspective, how many people in Mariupol right now care that their house is cluttered? |
Anonymous
Well, except for the Ukraine comment which I'm not sure is helpful, +1 to this. A slob can cure him or herself. Somebody else cannot. What you can do is focus on what expectations you can *reasonably* have so you don't get frustrated. And what is reasonable? Hard to say for sure, but definitely not a complete 180. I was a total slob like your DH because of a few issues. First, ADHD. Second, depression. Third, a high tolerance for mess (I am hyper aware of dirty things but stuff on the floor doesn't bother me). Fourth, I felt like I could never meet my husband's expectations (because, well, indeed I could not), so it got really frustrating when I tired. What changed was a) DH reduced his expectations b) we moved to a bigger house so some rooms can be clean all the time c) DH gave me three things he *needs* done, and that is well within my capabilities c) I just got really into ADHD stuff and I learned how to keep things organized d). Not to the level of DH's preferences, but good enough for him. d) got the depression to manageable level. But it is wild to me that he was soooo shocked that I was messy! He genuinely thought I would change when we got married and moved in together. But regardless, things are much, much better, even though I'm not totally cured from being a slob. He rates our marriage a 10/10 now. |
Anonymous
Uggh. This same poster keeps coming on here and telling everyone they should have written a thesis about their husband before marrying and that somehow people never change. My ex was very neat. Well it turns out he can be neat about his stuff but not about other's stuff and a very small set of stuff. As soon as the work got harder and the kids and the relationship and the house was on his plate instead of a one bedroom apartment it all became too much. |
Anonymous
| No. Hire help or divorce. You are headed for a lot of resentment |
Anonymous
| OP, get afternoon help instead of aftercare at the house and have the person pick up the house for you as part of their hours. |
Anonymous
Sorry but once an upper-decker, always an upper-decker. But do you really insinuate your DH goes into a clean room and just throw stuff around? Congrats on marrying a toddler. |
Anonymous
People don't change. That's why you have to observe them carefully before you marry them and have kids with them. If your happy feelings about your fiance cloud your ability to see what he's actually like, that's on you. |
Anonymous
| Nope |
Anonymous
Words to live by. |