14 yo cries when she gets in trouble or corrected - how to fix?

[Anonymous]

Is this something we should consult a therapist about?

She can't handle even the slightest reprimand without crying. We've let it go this long because she's a very well-behaved kid and rarely needs punished. For example, if she's tapping her pencil on the table and we ask "DD, please stop tapping" and we don't do it in a very joking way, she will start tearing up. If she doesn't look at anyone and no one says anything else, she can sometimes quickly get herself under control before tears are shed, but not always. By a joking manner I mean something like me starting to tap my pencil too and then laughing before saying "okay, that's enough of the tapping!"

What has me wondering how we can work on this is that she can't handle criticism at all. Up until now in school, she's never really faced getting criticism. She's in 9th grade now and now had 3 incidents in school where she ended up in tears. She had a particularly bad episode today where the teacher told her to leave the classroom to compose herself. The teacher put an extra credit problem on the board, a tough one, and split the class into groups to work it. DD's group finished first and each member had to write out their part of the solution on the board. When it was DD's turn, the teacher found an error in her work which meant that in the end, they somehow got the correct solution, but the work behind it was incorrect. No points got awarded. DD didn't understand the error so the teacher was working it out with her to help her understand. During that time, DD says she started getting teary eyed and was sniffling a lot. She said she tried to get things under control but the teacher was too nice to her (ha) and her groupmates were too nice to her, giving her encouragement like "don't be upset, it's fine!" and it made her start really crying.

Both other times she started crying at school was after getting criticized as well.

I have a supervisee who cries when she gets reprimanded or corrected. That really reflects poorly on her by upper management, tbh. It's been the reason why she was passed over for promotions and heading up larger projects. I don't want that to be my DD's future. So, is this a therapy thing? Is this a pediatrician thing? Is this something she may grow out of?

[Anonymous]

I grew out of it for the most part. Though I still tear up when I am VERY deeply moved - when I saw a guy kick his dog, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety? Seems like she’s very very very worried about failing. I think this is going to be increasingly problematic as she gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety? Seems like she’s very very very worried about failing. I think this is going to be increasingly problematic as she gets older.

Yes, I'd try to get a little focused counseling. Look into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Maybe a workbook would be a good start? ("The Perfectionism Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Reduce Anxiety and Get Things Done" by Dobosz looks good.)

[Anonymous]

I was also going to say anxiety. My 13yo son is similar) though it sounds like your daughter is more sensitive than he) and it’s particularly hard for him because crying is not as socially acceptable for boys. He’s been seeing a therapist for years (since 3rd grade) and has gotten so much better. In fact, he just “graduated” from his therapist last month!

[Anonymous]

As a crier myself, what helped was therapy and low dose antidepressants. Lexapro is really the only thing that helped me.

I really really really didn’t want to cry but it was practically psychological for me.

I also wish I’d started the antidepressants before my 40s, I’d been crying inappropriately since childhood.

I’m sure your daughter is mortified. Talk to her, her doctor and a therapist

[Anonymous]

Undiagnosed adhd for me.

https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/adhd-emotions-understanding-intense-feelings/

[Anonymous]

I would recommend getting her into a sport. It doesn’t have to be a team sport, even something like golf. You are constantly faced with failure and will never be perfect. Sports are a never ending opportunity to fail, evaluate what went wrong, suck it up, and try again.

[Anonymous]

Is it tied to hormones/puberty at all? Not sure if by long time you mean a year or two or if it’s been going on her whole life. I become very weepy at points if my cycle and it has gotten worse as I’m starting peri menopause. I also remember crying at everything around age 13-and growing out of it as I got older (until now!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would recommend getting her into a sport. It doesn’t have to be a team sport, even something like golf. You are constantly faced with failure and will never be perfect. Sports are a never ending opportunity to fail, evaluate what went wrong, suck it up, and try again.

Golfer here who was always a crier -- this cracks me up. Yes, golf will put you face to face with failure over and over, even if you are great at it

[Anonymous]

I’m a crier, and it SUCKS. It’s basically involuntary. I spend a lot of time and energy avoiding it professionally. For me it’s basically about timing - when I’m going full tilt at something, especially if it involves any kind of presentation/performance, I can’t handle criticism until I’ve gone home and slept. It also happens if I feel ambushed.

She’s probably pretty wound up at school.