How to help parents financially without embarassing them?

[Anonymous]

My parents are retired and while they're not poor, I notice they are really counting every dollar now. They don't live nearby but they do visit every few months and we also visit at least once a year (harder for us because kids are in school). I have offered to pay for things for them when they are here, but they decline. Once i managed to book them a vacation using airline points, which they accepted. Short of making sure we are paying for all the food and activities when we or they visit (which i try my best to do), how can I help them in a way they will accept? We are also not rich but we are totally comfortable and I feel like i could help them without really feeling it, but they don't seem to realize that.

Thanks in advance for any ideas you have tried...

[Anonymous]

Have you tried sending gift cards?

[Anonymous]

Will one of your parents take it? We help DH's parents. His dad is too prideful to take the money but he won't stop my MIL from taking it.

We've also found they are much more receptive when we offer to help with certain deserving things, like health care costs. So, the money we send my MIL is to defer the cost of her health needs.

[Anonymous]

This is relatively small, but how about a monthly food basket delivered to their home - fruit of the month, cheese of the month, wine of the month - that kind of thing. If they are counting dollars, it might provide a small luxury they don’t/can’t normally indulge in. You can find just about any kind of basket online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried sending gift cards?

They have very clearly stated they won't accept money or gift cards, although I haven't tried just giving them gift cards and telling them I can't use them for some reason.

It seems I have to make up a story even for groceries I buy them. I try to fill their freezer, fridge and cupboards when we visit under the premise that I bought the stuff to be consumed while we are there but then it was too much, etc. and that seems to be fine. Or if I have 2 for 1 deals, points, or other "freebies,' they'll accept that too, but there's only so much of that I can orchestrate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is relatively small, but how about a monthly food basket delivered to their home - fruit of the month, cheese of the month, wine of the month - that kind of thing. If they are counting dollars, it might provide a small luxury they don’t/can’t normally indulge in. You can find just about any kind of basket online.

Yes, this is a good idea. Perhaps not monthly, but I could do more for every occasion possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is relatively small, but how about a monthly food basket delivered to their home - fruit of the month, cheese of the month, wine of the month - that kind of thing. If they are counting dollars, it might provide a small luxury they don’t/can’t normally indulge in. You can find just about any kind of basket online.

This might be a good idea for Christmas or birthday gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will one of your parents take it? We help DH's parents. His dad is too prideful to take the money but he won't stop my MIL from taking it.

We've also found they are much more receptive when we offer to help with certain deserving things, like health care costs. So, the money we send my MIL is to defer the cost of her health needs.

Maybe, I'm not really sure. I'll try to broach the subject with my dad next time they visit.

[Anonymous]

My parents at local and we have them over for dinner once a week and send home leftovers for lunch the next day. We always pay when we go out to eat, buy tickets for activities in advance, and take them on a small vacate with us Labor Day weekend. When they have the kids for a day or a weekend, I arrange activities and buy tickets in advance or give them money “for the kids lunch” if I know they will be out.

We buy them nice gifts they can’t / don’t buy themselves - a new TV, apple watches, an iPad. I buy my mom nice clothes I know she likes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents at local and we have them over for dinner once a week and send home leftovers for lunch the next day. We always pay when we go out to eat, buy tickets for activities in advance, and take them on a small vacate with us Labor Day weekend. When they have the kids for a day or a weekend, I arrange activities and buy tickets in advance or give them money “for the kids lunch” if I know they will be out.

We buy them nice gifts they can’t / don’t buy themselves - a new TV, apple watches, an iPad. I buy my mom nice clothes I know she likes.

OP here.
That is wonderful. My parents won't take money for "the kids lunch" and they won't let me buy stuff for them except for birthdays and Christmas (when i do do large gifts like ipads, etc.).

[Anonymous]

My parents live in Europe, and we can't visit very often, but every time we do, we invite them at an AirBnB for vacation, and pay for a much larger and more comfortable AirBnB than we would have picked if it were just for us. The rest of the time we stay in their apartment and swoop in to pay, otherwise my father just pays for all the groceries and all the restaurants. My father is comfortable with us doing it that way, apparently. A more direct offer of help would perhaps be turned down.

[Anonymous]

It's really touchy. Do you know anything about their financial situation? Do they have debt you could help pay off? Do they have home repairs that need to be addressed?

You can buy airline gift cards... would you do that and say it was a perk from work or something? You won it in a lottery for school?

[Anonymous]

Or you could even say "You raised me, and I want to give something back to you so you can visit your grandkids more. I was the one who moved away, so here's this airline gift card for yu for Christmas!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is relatively small, but how about a monthly food basket delivered to their home - fruit of the month, cheese of the month, wine of the month - that kind of thing. If they are counting dollars, it might provide a small luxury they don’t/can’t normally indulge in. You can find just about any kind of basket online.

Yes, this is a good idea. Perhaps not monthly, but I could do more for every occasion possible.

Who eats that stuff. Don't do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried sending gift cards?

They have very clearly stated they won't accept money or gift cards, although I haven't tried just giving them gift cards and telling them I can't use them for some reason.

It seems I have to make up a story even for groceries I buy them. I try to fill their freezer, fridge and cupboards when we visit under the premise that I bought the stuff to be consumed while we are there but then it was too much, etc. and that seems to be fine. Or if I have 2 for 1 deals, points, or other "freebies,' they'll accept that too, but there's only so much of that I can orchestrate.

I used to send my MIL gift cards as she wouldn't take case. She had mild dementia and when I realized she could not use them due to memory, I'd have a grocery store deliver food to the house I knew she'd like and just not tell her and they'd show up. I felt bad not tipping but there was no way to tip online at the time and I wrote a note explain the situation. Eventually she was fine with it and would tell me what to order.