Anyone have a large 5+ age gap between kids?

[Anonymous]

We have a 6 year gap between our two girls and the younger one idolizes the older one, but the older one really struggles with the younger one. They are currently almost 10 and almost 4, and beyond the fighting and rivalry (younger one doesn’t want to share and older one is annoyed the little one gets into her stuff and is generally annoying), the older one has been having a very hard time with the younger one getting more attention and feels she isn’t getting enough alone time with us parents. Because the younger one needs help with things like getting dressed, eating and isn’t always great at playing alone for extended periods of time, I can understand how it feels like she gets more attention and try to explain it won’t always be this way. And, sometimes we have to cater activities toward the little one who can’t always do the same things as the older one, and frankly isn’t vaccinated so we are less interested in doing indoor activities with her right now.

DH and I both work full time and I think a big part of this stems from us returning to the office and work ramping up, so we can’t pick the older one up after school and spend a little time together at home which we had been doing. That said, DH and I each leave work early one day a week to pick her up from an after school activity and take her home. Additionally, her sibling goes to sleep at 7:30 every night and she goes to bed at 9 so she does have an hour and a half with just us. We offer to play games or do something with her but 90% of the time she wants to watch TV, play in her iPad or FaceTime a friend. DH also takes the younger one to a class Saturday mornings so DD and I do get 2 solid hours together.

Older DD recently made comments to DH’s and my parents about how she feels like we don’t care about her as much anymore and she never really spends time with just us. They pulled us aside to say she genuinely seems sad and that we should try to find a way to dedicate more time to just her.

I am upset that she is so sad about this but don’t know how to make the situation better. We only have so many hours in the day, and I don’t want to spend weekends mostly divided with one parent spending time with each and then switching off.

Curious if anyone else with a large age gap has had this issue and how much alone time you try to have with each kid. Any other advice or thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a 6 year gap between our two girls and the younger one idolizes the older one, but the older one really struggles with the younger one. They are currently almost 10 and almost 4, and beyond the fighting and rivalry (younger one doesn’t want to share and older one is annoyed the little one gets into her stuff and is generally annoying), the older one has been having a very hard time with the younger one getting more attention and feels she isn’t getting enough alone time with us parents. Because the younger one needs help with things like getting dressed, eating and isn’t always great at playing alone for extended periods of time, I can understand how it feels like she gets more attention and try to explain it won’t always be this way. And, sometimes we have to cater activities toward the little one who can’t always do the same things as the older one, and frankly isn’t vaccinated so we are less interested in doing indoor activities with her right now.

DH and I both work full time and I think a big part of this stems from us returning to the office and work ramping up, so we can’t pick the older one up after school and spend a little time together at home which we had been doing. That said, DH and I each leave work early one day a week to pick her up from an after school activity and take her home. Additionally, her sibling goes to sleep at 7:30 every night and she goes to bed at 9 so she does have an hour and a half with just us. We offer to play games or do something with her but 90% of the time she wants to watch TV, play in her iPad or FaceTime a friend. DH also takes the younger one to a class Saturday mornings so DD and I do get 2 solid hours together.

Older DD recently made comments to DH’s and my parents about how she feels like we don’t care about her as much anymore and she never really spends time with just us. They pulled us aside to say she genuinely seems sad and that we should try to find a way to dedicate more time to just her.

I am upset that she is so sad about this but don’t know how to make the situation better. We only have so many hours in the day, and I don’t want to spend weekends mostly divided with one parent spending time with each and then switching off.

Curious if anyone else with a large age gap has had this issue and how much alone time you try to have with each kid. Any other advice or thoughts?

I have three kids, so my oldest and youngest have this age gap. It’s not that unusual. But I do want to address the bolded. As your kids get older, it’s natural that your family is going to be pulled in different directions, whether you have two kids or four. That happens when you have one child that wants to play soccer while the other has a volleyball tournament, etc. Obviously there are important times to get together as a family unit - family dinners, one sibling’s end of year ballet recital, birthdays, etc. But I would recommend not fighting the inevitable pulling away and embracing it. My kids LOVE mommy and daddy dates, those one on one times when they get the sole attention of a parent. It’s the best way to really connect with a child and so important as they approach those tween/teen ages when their needs for a parent become more of needing your counsel, your advice, your listening.

[Anonymous]

Sound like emotional manipulation. I wouldn't bow to it.

[Anonymous]

My oldest and youngest have this age gap, but they have a brother in between. We have to divide and conquer on the weekend. That is pretty normal with families who have more than one child. It sounds like you do spend one on one time with your older daughter. Maybe you can bring her into the planning a little more to make her realize this. Say, “I’m picking you up from school tomorrow and we are stopping at the grocery store. Could you find a recipe that you would want to try together and we will get the ingredients” or “Tomorrow after X goes to bed, it’s your turn to pick out the game. Can you look in the cabinet and decide which one it will be.”

She will start to see the moments when she is getting attention and might realize that she is getting what she wants already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sound like emotional manipulation. I wouldn't bow to it.

Right. Heaven forbid that we teach a child when she is open and honest about her emotional needs that we will actually do what we can to meet her needs.

[Anonymous]

Is she not interested in helping with her sister at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she not interested in helping with her sister at all?

Its not her responsibility to be a mini-parent.

[Anonymous]

We have a bigger gap than you. Firstly, you need to keep the younger one out of the older one's way. The more you do that, the more the older one will WANT to spend time with the younger one. My younger ones understood by 3 they were NOT allowed in anyone's bedroom without permission. When the older kids had friends over, they could go say hi for 2-5 minutes, and then I'd take them away. Secondly, you just need to accept that you're not going to have a ton of family activities and time together. I know that's the fantasy, but it's not going to happen that way. Eventually the 4 yr old will mature a bit, and be able to hang with the older one and take direction from them and the older one will mature a bit and be able to direct the younger one in a way they respect.

[Anonymous]

Move up the screen time (not good right before bed anyway) and get some board games or jigsaw puzzles or other activity the three of you are interested in and do that every night or every other night together. She’ll remember the good times after she grows up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not interested in helping with her sister at all?

Its not her responsibility to be a mini-parent.

In my household all the kids do age-appropriate chores and helping younger kids certainly is on the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sound like emotional manipulation. I wouldn't bow to it.

Wow. You have the emotional intelligence of a rock, PP.

The child is legitimately expressing her feelings about the situation. That's not manipulation, she is being honest. The parents need to help her get through this and process those feelings appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Well…she’s right. You are centering your life around the 4 year old and she knows it. Stop letting baby sis get into her stuff. And stop catering family activities around the 4 year old. There is plenty you can do that 1) your youngest can handle, and 2) the 10 year old would enjoy.

And…get your 4 year old a good mask and keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

I have heard this that the 6 year age gap is the worst. Someone I know had this age gap between daughters and swears the oldest never liked the youngest until she left for college. Now that they are adults, they are close.

You will not be able to make anyone like anyone else - you have to accept that the oldest may never like the youngest. You are doing enough right now.

It has to do with the development stage your daughter was going through when the baby was born. She still remembers when life was all about her and she resents the change and blames it on her sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not interested in helping with her sister at all?

Its not her responsibility to be a mini-parent.

In my household all the kids do age-appropriate chores and helping younger kids certainly is on the list.

LOL! This is what Duggars do. They want older kids to become babysitters.

Anyways, I don't think OP will care that her child is sad.

[Anonymous]

We have a 7 yr gap and it is wonderful. Both kids love each other and are very sweet to each other. My oldest did not feel bad about the youngest sibling because she continued to get a lot of attention and love from both DH and me. We were doing different activities with both kids and both had different age group (and different gender) friends.

Maybe, it is a problem only when both kids are girls? I have a girl and a boy and they are super sweet to each other. But, my kids get a lot of attention at home and from family and friends. We are very involved parents with both kids.

God! I would have been heartbroken if one kid felt that we don't love them as much as the other kid. This is a parenting fail. Poor kid is telling her issues and sharing her feelings but parents are not even feeling ashamed instead are blaming the child.