Dealing with Family

[Anonymous]

I'm due in July and we have no family local. This means that everyone wants to come and visit right away after the baby is born. In theory that sounds great, but I just don't want to be forced to entertain, clean up after, cook for, or do just about anything for anyone except my baby after he's born. I'd like the option to not shower for days on end, to cry all the time if postpartum sets in, and to do just about whatever I want. I know I won't feel comfortable with all these people trailing in and out of our house for a month. I'm also not really looking for family to come down and take the baby out of my arms

I understand why everyone wants to see the baby...of course. Just trying to figure out how to make everyone happy and stay sane during the process. We've tried dropping subtle hints and no one is getting it.

[Anonymous]

We were in the same position and just told everyone that we wanted a month to bond with our baby and that they were welcome after that. Everyone understood, except my mother, but even she gave us the first week to ourselves. BTW, I reveled in not showering but thankfully only cried a couple of times...best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have mother who tells me I am selfish to want the time just for us. "What about what I need to bond with the child?" she asks. Well, I am getting ready to tell her to lick it. It is not about her at this point in time.

Sorry if this doesn't help you. Just felt good to type it. Maybe I am selfish. But good luck to you! Remember that people have good intentions, and that you all will have many years to come where everyone can visit, get to know each other, and bond.

If that fails, my girlfriend suggested *accidently* flashing an engorged boob to family and friends. Apparently that will scare some people away.

[Anonymous]

My best friend had the same problem. She finally told their relatives that they could come, but they all had to stay at a nearby hotel. She gave them times when they could visit, assigned them some chores to do (ie: her mother was in charge of dinner and her father walked the dog), and sent them back to the hotel when they became too much. It might sound harsh, but it worked for them. She and her husband had time alone with baby and the relatives didn't resent staying at the hotel because they were just happy to see the baby. I don't know that this would work for everyone though...

[Anonymous]

We were in a similar situation and found that there was no way to make "everyone" happy -- so we chose to do what was best for us and our new family, which was to delay visits until the fourth week. Our families were surprised at first, but it all worked out GREAT and there are no hard feelings. '

Taking that first month was really important for us -- it gave us time to bond as a new family and get to know our baby's needs and our own preferences about things. By the time our parents came to visit we were so happy and comfortable in our new roles as parents, which made it easier to shrug off any unwanted comments/advice etc. Also, we were tired and really eager for the help by the start of the second month, so we were actually thrilled to have people come and hold the baby then!

By the way, and FWIW, I don't think this is a time to drop subtle hints and expect your families to take the cue. Do everyone a favor and ask for what you need. This is all so personal and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Just trust your instincts, communicate clearly and with love, and above all else, have fun with your little one!

[Anonymous]

Yes yes yes, especially with the in laws...make sure you do what is BEST for you and NOT your DH...there should be a middle ground.
I didn't set any rules and ever since our relationship has gone south and has NEVER been the same. I felt like they had made my 1st month so miserable NOT once but twice (2 kids here)! I only blame myself for not standing up and set ground rules...still they had best intentions but that didn't matter. I hate them ever since, seriously do yourself a huge favor and say NO visitors until after the 1st MONTH or stay in a hotel is also a great idea but none of those things was even an option back then.

Gosh how I wish I was smarter...you are so smart to think ahead, you are a wise lady!

[Anonymous]

My advice is don't be subtle. Decide how much time you want with just DH and the baby and then tell everyone else that they can come after that. Period.

[Anonymous]

This is the one thing that is important to you ... do not give in to other people wishes! We had the same problem and I simply told people that we wanted to be by ourselves to get used to each other and the whole change. Bad luck for the people who do not understand ... Baby will still be there in a months time and by that time you are more relaxed too so please don't feel bad about it. Having a baby is a beautiful but very intense thing and you have to take the time you need to adjust to the new situation and all your feelings. Besides, it is an intimate thing as well. Would you feel insulted if someone told you that they wanted some time for themselves?

[Anonymous]

Agree that you should do - and ask for - what is best for you. One question though - will DH be home with you most of the time? If not you may want to schedule some back up...much of this depends on the relationship, but I was happy for the extra help when DH was not around after the first week. This may mean a close friend rather than family...or someone who can come for a hour or two and then leave. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am reading this and wondering what I would have done without my mother. I guess there was a class or something that I missed out on, or maybe I am way too needy. I am not trying to be judgemental... I am more curious. I didn't even know if I was bathing my newborn the correct way and was second guessing everything I did... I was in a totally different world and it was nice to have someone who knew what to do around. I wish I had as much confidence as you all do. Congrats on your new baby to be

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat as 21:41. Please come up with a plan with DH ahead of time and stick to it. Do not let anyone try to guilt, shame, or bully you into letting them come over when you don't want them. My in-laws made my 1st few months post-partum living hell by doing exactly that. I regret that my DH and I did not anticipate the problem and have a good plan to deal with it. Our relationship has suffered, and we are now still trying to repair the damage and bond as a family over a year later. Take the time to bond with your wonderful new baby and DH and the rest of your family and friends will understand in the end.
Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Above posters- does having a relative make it easier at first? I ask this as someone who is due in the fall and both sets of our parents are deceased. We really have no one to come. I see a lot of people posting that their MILs were a pain and not really much help, is that generally true? Is dealing with a NB by yourself completely do-able? I find myself worrying about it already. I know that's probably silly.

[Anonymous]

I'm also due in July and we just resolved this same issue with everyone in the family, who all live in California. There are three sets of parents because my husband's parents are divorced and remarried. My parents will come when the baby arrives and stay for a week, then we'll take a break for a few days and DH's mom will come for 3 or 4 days, then another break for a few days before DH's dad/stepmom arrive for another few days. Friends of ours advised us that we would need these breaks in between family visits, so that we can have a little alone time. My in-laws weren't thrilled that we didn't want them to come for the baby's birth, but we've been trying to make them feel included and involved in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am reading this and wondering what I would have done without my mother. I guess there was a class or something that I missed out on, or maybe I am way too needy. I am not trying to be judgemental... I am more curious. I didn't even know if I was bathing my newborn the correct way and was second guessing everything I did... I was in a totally different world and it was nice to have someone who knew what to do around. I wish I had as much confidence as you all do. Congrats on your new baby to be

I'm with you...but only because my mom took care of ME so that I could focus on the baby. Not that DH wasn't extremely helpful, but there is something about having Mom around that was very comforting to me (and she and I are not normally close). Mom was great at keeping the fridge stocked, the house relatively picked up and would, of course, hold her new grandbaby whenever I needed a nap. She understood my hormonal outbursts and did not take it personally when I wasn't in the best mood around her. Her help while I was post-partum did wonders for our relationship.

All that being said, I do think you, OP, need to do what is best for you. Don't be subtle, come out and say it. And if you don't know what you want, then play it by ear and just tell your family and ILs that you'll let them know as you figure things out.

Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Above posters- does having a relative make it easier at first? I ask this as someone who is due in the fall and both sets of our parents are deceased. We really have no one to come. I see a lot of people posting that their MILs were a pain and not really much help, is that generally true? Is dealing with a NB by yourself completely do-able? I find myself worrying about it already. I know that's probably silly.

Not silly at all. Help is great, but you really can do it alone--meaning, with a partner's help. If you are truly *alone*, e.g., your partner can't take time off from work, it will be difficult, and you might consider hiring a postpartum doula. We thought about that, but I decided I really didn't want a stranger around in those first few weeks. I had the resources around if I needed them when I had questions (friends, lactation consultant, DCUMs for that matter). I didn't really care about keeping the house clean, and figured if worse came to worst, we could get takeout, and/or order groceries from Peapod.

We did not have anyone come at first. Our parents are elderly (DH and I are in our 40s), and while they wanted to come, they mostly understood that they could not in fact be all that much help. We also wanted to bond as a family. Yes, it is completely doable as a couple, I think. DH took 3 weeks off, and we managed just fine, with several friends bringing us food, Let's Dish meals frozen ahead of time, and a cleaning lady 2x a month.

My MIL came (FIL is deceased) after 3 weeks, and did help by doing laundry, and being there at first when my husband returned to work. But truly, we managed, and everyone did fine. My parents, at my suggestion, came when DS was two months old and had more of a personality. They didn't particularly help with anything, but they are low-maintenance and we all enjoyed their visit ... and DH and I did go out for coffee without DS for the first time since his birth; my parents were so proud that they'd diapered DS by themselves (Not an easy feat, really, for folks in their 70s/80s not used to newfangled disposables.)

Good luck to you!