I don’t know if having another child is the right decision

[Anonymous]

I am mid-thirties and remarried - my DH is 40, was married for a long time but had no kids. He really wants to have a bio child. I have two children from a previous marriage (5 & 7), and am in a contentious and protracted custody battle with my ex-husband. My ex was and is abusive and we are not able to coparent whatsoever. My heart breaks constantly for my children. I love them to bits and have really tried to make the most out of a miserable situation with their dad.

I am very conflicted about having another baby. I have asked, in general terms, how the kids would feel about me having another baby. They say they would be excited - but they’re little kids. I’m afraid it would create resentment and jealousy on their part, and also might complicate my family law matters. My DH adores and is great with my kids, but I’m afraid adding another baby would/could create division. Also, the idea of starting over with the baby phase is unappealing to me for a number of reasons (mainly sleep deprivation) and I also have concerns about my career. (Although we are quite comfortable, this is in large part due to my DH’s career. I was a SAHM in my previous marriage and have just started a new career. I do not want to be a SAHM again and am worried about how we will divide household labor.)

I’m very conflicted and really don’t know what the right decision will be. Would appreciate any feedback, thank you.

[Anonymous]

I would say go for it. Your new husband seems like he is good dad material and there is no reason for you to be a SAHP this time around. For your older children, if many of their early experiences were in the context of an abusive, unhappy marriage, this is also a chance for them to get a do over. A new baby means extending the years that you do things like a big Christmas morning, birthday parties, trips to Science museums, etc. Tweens and teens might grouch about those things, but secretly they want this kind of family time.

The newborn years are a blink. You can get through that, especially with a better partner.

[Anonymous]

I would second this. Having a kid at home all the time will make your family life fundamentally oriented toward kid things instead of adult things. This will benefit your older kids. It’s harder to get really into kid stuff when half your time is adult-only. Build the happy family home with your new husband that your kids never got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say go for it. Your new husband seems like he is good dad material and there is no reason for you to be a SAHP this time around. For your older children, if many of their early experiences were in the context of an abusive, unhappy marriage, this is also a chance for them to get a do over. A new baby means extending the years that you do things like a big Christmas morning, birthday parties, trips to Science museums, etc. Tweens and teens might grouch about those things, but secretly they want this kind of family time.

The newborn years are a blink. You can get through that, especially with a better partner.

+1 , these are all good points.

[Anonymous]

Understandably, your thoughts/fears around having another child are clouded by the negative past experience with your abusive ExH.
You might be surprised how much more enjoyable it would be this time with a loving, supportive husband.
I think your kids are old enough to enjoy having the baby around and appreciating more baby and kid-focused time together.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s really hard on the older kids when there is a baby born in this situation. Not that you shouldn’t do it, but think about it carefully. Very often the older kids are not treated the same and become resentful.

I do think this is less likely to happen when it’s the mom with the older kids, as I think fathers are more likely (not always) to allow themselves to become more and more hands-off in coparenting situations with first wives and to end up with a little happy family where the older kids do not feel welcom.

[Anonymous]

I have somewhat a similar situation as you. My ex is a douche and I even had to take 2 hours from work to take our child to interview because his other baby mama accused him of child abuse (when there isn't any).

My ex was also a terrible coparent when we were together. I have one child, trying for a second with my current husband and our house harmony is wonderful. There is no resentment but we also treat both children as our own and will continue to.

[Anonymous]

I think you should discuss with your husband your concerns and see how he feels and what he says.

Your main two concerns seem to be how much parenting he will do and how much he will support your career versus putting most of the work on you. Discuss that with him. See how much work he envisions himself doing. Your other concern seems to be how he will treat your kids once a bio kid is in the picture. That’s kind of harder to predict and discuss, but you could try.

Didn’t you discuss this before marriage? Did you give him the impression you were willing to have another kid with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should discuss with your husband your concerns and see how he feels and what he says.

Your main two concerns seem to be how much parenting he will do and how much he will support your career versus putting most of the work on you. Discuss that with him. See how much work he envisions himself doing. Your other concern seems to be how he will treat your kids once a bio kid is in the picture. That’s kind of harder to predict and discuss, but you could try.

Didn’t you discuss this before marriage? Did you give him the impression you were willing to have another kid with him?

This^.

[Anonymous]

To me it sounds like you don't want one. It may just complicate your life more. Did you not discuss this before you married your current DH? What were your thoughts before you got married?

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you want a baby but you are anxious/scared. That’s understandable after your experiences with your ex, but letting fear drive decisions isn’t healthy.

[Anonymous]

I think it would destroy your children. Don't do that to them, please.

[Anonymous]

Better to have the baby when they're young and can easily accept them.