What does love yourself before you can find love mean?

[Anonymous]

Does it mean to be happy with how you look and how much you make and then you can find love and be secure enough to stay in a relationship? So do I need braces if I'm not happy with my teeth or need to lose those extra pounds first before finding true love?

[Anonymous]

Nope. It means that you know your own moral compass and that you trust your gut and you won’t be manipulated by some asshole narcissist (of which there are many). It means that you have some idea of what your bright lines might be and that you’re not going to get pissed when he doesn’t rinse the sink out after he brushes his teeth. Or…whatever.

[Anonymous]

I think it also means - you can not rely upon a relationship for external validation if you don’t believe those things about yourself first. You attract what you believe. Do you think you’re unlovable? No person will be able to convince you otherwise and you’ll attract people who reinforce your believe.

And it’s practice - not perfection - so you don’t need to perfectly 100% love yourself before engaging in relationships. But if you’re noticing patterns you don’t like in the people you are with, relationships you have, look inward - you may be ready to change some thoughts about yourself first

[Anonymous]

No, of course you don’t have to get braces before finding love. But you need to feel good about yourself, or you may attract/tolerate a-holes, or your insecurities will dominate the relationship. You need to feel worthy of love, respect, boundaries, needs being met, etc. and you need to treat your partner in kind.

[Anonymous]

And - if your self-love is contingent on your weight or straight teeth, then you’ll think it acceptable for a-holes to criticize you based on appearance.

[Anonymous]

It’s accepting and loving yourself the way you are. It’s thinking and speaking of yourself with compassion and forgiveness because we are not perfect. It’s believing that you ate complete and enough without a relationship, and if you’re in a relationship, no matter what happens you will be fine, you trust yourself to pick up the broken pieces and carry on because you have your love, the ultimate love. It’s living life according to your values because you know yourself so well, and making decisions that are in your best interest rather than going with the flow or trying to please someone else. It’s becoming assertive and protective of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it also means - you can not rely upon a relationship for external validation if you don’t believe those things about yourself first. You attract what you believe. Do you think you’re unlovable? No person will be able to convince you otherwise and you’ll attract people who reinforce your believe.

And it’s practice - not perfection - so you don’t need to perfectly 100% love yourself before engaging in relationships. But if you’re noticing patterns you don’t like in the people you are with, relationships you have, look inward - you may be ready to change some thoughts about yourself first

+1 It's about being healthy enough to share your life with someone else and not relying on another person to fill voids, whether self-esteem, happiness, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

To me it is about knowing that you should expect respect, attention, accountability, devotion, honesty and affection and communication. That this is not too much to ask or expect or want to give. These men are out there and it is your job to keep looking until you find one. It also means that no one is perfect and you can have compassion for other peoples imperfections along with your own without being or feeling reduced by that. It’s about being able to forgive yourself and others and loving yourself and someone else for who they are and not who you wish they were.

[Anonymous]

I used to think this, but I don't anymore. Some people find it easier to learn to love themselves with the support of a partner, and even if they don't, having companionship is still important for those who seriously struggle with self-love.

I think we can learn healthy boundaries and self-compassion along the way, rather than avoiding potentially invaluable relationships until we get to a place we might never actually get to.

But at the same time I think people put too much emphasis on getting into and staying in relationships. People should be braver about being single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to think this, but I don't anymore. Some people find it easier to learn to love themselves with the support of a partner, and even if they don't, having companionship is still important for those who seriously struggle with self-love.

I think we can learn healthy boundaries and self-compassion along the way, rather than avoiding potentially invaluable relationships until we get to a place we might never actually get to.

But at the same time I think people put too much emphasis on getting into and staying in relationships. People should be braver about being single.

I fully agree with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think this, but I don't anymore. Some people find it easier to learn to love themselves with the support of a partner, and even if they don't, having companionship is still important for those who seriously struggle with self-love.

I think we can learn healthy boundaries and self-compassion along the way, rather than avoiding potentially invaluable relationships until we get to a place we might never actually get to.

But at the same time I think people put too much emphasis on getting into and staying in relationships. People should be braver about being single.

I fully agree with you!

Of course - hence practice, not perfection. If you assess that your results in relationships are working for you, great! But if you find yourself constantly looking (and not getting) what you think *other* people should be doing to or giving to you, then look at your relationship with yourself. Are you treating yourself like you expect others to? Are you continuing to engage with these people and just stay mad / frustrated?

[Anonymous]

A strong relationship often requires you to be comfortable with who you are as a person, instead of being happy because of being with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Don't look for someone to "complete" you. Find wholeness within yourself.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is an awful, dismissive, condescending thing that coupled people like to say to single people. Like, if you can't find love, it must be because you don't love yourself enough, or aren't *truly* happy on your own, or some BS like that (unlike us, because *we* must be more emotionally healthy than you, which is why *we* are partnered). Some people love themselves plenty, but still have a hard time meeting the right person.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy to fix trauma and dysfunction and attachment issues leftover from childhood if they exist. You need to have self-worth. You need to be fair le if standing on your own. Self-respect is big.

Those of us that had great parents and a loving childhood learn not to let people treat us poorly or become co-dependent. For me, it was achieving a graduate degree, a career and knowing I could stand on my own if ever needed. When you need to rely on finding someone else to financially support yourself, you allow a lot of mistreatment.