Concerns about DD's friendships - social anxiety

[Anonymous]

She is in 10th grade and is generally a quiet and shy girl, much like I was at that age. As far as we can see, she is happy on her own or spending time with her younger sister, so it's not like she is expressing any sadness over not having a ton of friends or socializing outside of school. She's not on social media and mainly spends time with two friends at school, both of whom she met in middle school. We noticed early on when they were in 8th grade that one of these friends was constantly texting DD for homework help and got a little concerned that our DD may have been a bit too helpful with sending screenshots to her friend, so we had a talk with her about helping vs. helping too much/cheating. Two years later, they are still good friends at school - they do not get together outside of school. The problem is that from what we can see, her main interactions with this girl over texting continue to revolve around school assignments and tests. I know this because I do check her texts periodically.

I wonder if this friend is really a friend. I love that she has someone at school to hang out with at lunch, but I don't want her being used, either. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

My advice is to butt out. Your daughter can handle this. If she brings it up to you, you can always suggest she tell the girl "I dont know; I haven't looked at the assignment yet."

[Anonymous]

I disagree with PP. I think it's good to have conversations with our kids in general about what healthy friendships look like vs. unhealthy. I would not tell her to ditch a friend. I would see if she brings up the friendship, listen carefully and se if she wants my thoughts. I might share stories from my own life. You learn how to have healthy relationships through experience and I think teaching. We teach our kids all sorts of life skills, this is another one. We have to let them make mistakes, but we provide a general framework.

[Anonymous]

Thank you both. This is OP. DD is very private about everything so she never brings any issue up with us, and definitely not concerning friends. So we would either do as the first PP said and not do anything, or have to bring it up ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you both. This is OP. DD is very private about everything so she never brings any issue up with us, and definitely not concerning friends. So we would either do as the first PP said and not do anything, or have to bring it up ourselves.

It's a transactional friendship. They exist in school, college and later life. It's unfortunate but if you're DD is comfortable with that, being on the giving only end, then I would leave her to it if she's in 10th grade now.

But I would make 100% sure that she cannot be accused of actual cheating in any tests or any formal way. That would be devastating for her academically in terms of her future.

[Anonymous]

^^ your not you're (sorry - spell check!)

[Anonymous]

It is hard enough to be a teen without creating trouble when there may not be any. Lots of kids don't like texting a lot of deep thoughts - it's not the same as talking in person or on the phone for all kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you both. This is OP. DD is very private about everything so she never brings any issue up with us, and definitely not concerning friends. So we would either do as the first PP said and not do anything, or have to bring it up ourselves.

It's a transactional friendship. They exist in school, college and later life. It's unfortunate but if you're DD is comfortable with that, being on the giving only end, then I would leave her to it if she's in 10th grade now.

But I would make 100% sure that she cannot be accused of actual cheating in any tests or any formal way. That would be devastating for her academically in terms of her future.

I like this advice.

My DD (9th grade) was in a similar situation where a friend in school was constantly reaching out to her for homework help. And by "help", it meant answers. DD eventually grew frustrated by the frequency and being used by her friend, and on her own decided to handle it by ignoring the texts. Or replying to them late saying, "oh sorry I didn't see this last night." Finally her friend gave up.

My DD is also similar in that she doesn't have a side net of friends, so it is tough to think one may "dump" her when she's not helping with homework. But I would leave it up to DD to decide and as PP said, be sure she's not violating an honor code (my DD is in a private HS with a strict one) or getting in trouble somehow.

[Anonymous]

I think checking a 10th graders texts is a little over the top. Kids are entitled to privacy at this point.

[Anonymous]

Before you do anything I’d really think about whether this is better than sitting alone at lunch.

[Anonymous]

In 10th grade I’d probably help someone with homework if it meant not having to sit alone at lunch. Navigating lunch has been difficult for my kids