How would you handle this issue with son's friend

[Anonymous]

My son and his friend just turned 13. They are friends, but not best friends - they hang out once a month or so. Usually, when DS invites this boy over, the boy says he can't come when invited, and tries to invite himself another day and time of his choosing. I find this a little frustrating for several reasons. Number one, DS does his school work in a different way than other kids due to a disability, and has several sports commitments as well. I also WFH, and need it to be quiet during calls. Therefore, it doesn't work that well for someone else to come over at a time of their vs our choosing. I also know that this boy is a kid, but I find it a tad offputting to invite your self to someone else's house at a day and time that you choose vs. they choose.

Would you just suggest that DS keep declining, or say something along the lines of "I can only invite people over at times my mom clears," so that he is not coming to me with requests from this kid that won't work for us?

[Anonymous]

Why can't you find a time that works for everyone? Maybe the kid really has plans when you ask. Would you prefer that he just say no to your son without trying for a new time? That what it sounds like you are saying.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you find a time that works for everyone? Maybe the kid really has plans when you ask. Would you prefer that he just say no to your son without trying for a new time? That what it sounds like you are saying.

I'd prefer that he either wait until we invite him another time or try to invite DS to his place, if he wants to see him sooner than that. It is annoying to me to have to pull up my work calendar to see whether I have calls scheduled (and go through my work email to see times I have offered for calls that may later be confirmed) at the alternative time this kid proposes coming to our place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why can't you find a time that works for everyone? Maybe the kid really has plans when you ask. Would you prefer that he just say no to your son without trying for a new time? That what it sounds like you are saying.

I'd prefer that he either wait until we invite him another time or try to invite DS to his place, if he wants to see him sooner than that. It is annoying to me to have to pull up my work calendar to see whether I have calls scheduled (and go through my work email to see times I have offered for calls that may later be confirmed) at the alternative time this kid proposes coming to our place.

13 year olds are still learning how to make plans, and suggesting an alternative time doesn't seem unreasonable to me. Your son can respond that he can't have people over at other times, but if that's the time that works best, can they get together at friend's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why can't you find a time that works for everyone? Maybe the kid really has plans when you ask. Would you prefer that he just say no to your son without trying for a new time? That what it sounds like you are saying.

I'd prefer that he either wait until we invite him another time or try to invite DS to his place, if he wants to see him sooner than that. It is annoying to me to have to pull up my work calendar to see whether I have calls scheduled (and go through my work email to see times I have offered for calls that may later be confirmed) at the alternative time this kid proposes coming to our place.

May I gently suggest you get over your annoyance and do this anyway? I am going to assume you want your kid to have friends, and then you will want more invitations coming in as tween/teen years progress. This is a "problem" that will grow if you things go well for your son, which I assume you want.

Also as a work matter, never leave calls you offered hanging in your email. Put them on calendar and put tentative or hold for [name/topic] in the subject.

[Anonymous]

It sounds relatively polite to be to be honest - your son asks at a time that doesn't work for him - he suggests a different option back (which maybe doesn't work for you), and then your son could offer another suggestion perhaps - this is how I make plans anyway - people are busy and you kind of of have to play around with schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds relatively polite to be to be honest - your son asks at a time that doesn't work for him - he suggests a different option back (which maybe doesn't work for you), and then your son could offer another suggestion perhaps - this is how I make plans anyway - people are busy and you kind of of have to play around with schedules.

yes, offering the counter-time shows the other party that you are interested in getting together. Without the counteroffer, how do you distinguish a blow off?

[Anonymous]

I think your expectations are off a little, for this age group.

I understand the different things you're juggling so I don't think you're being unreasonable with your reaction. It's just that kids that age manage their social activities a little more independently. I don't think he's inviting himself over, exactly, but just trying to propose a time that works.

That said, it's fine for him to tell the friend he can only have people over at a certain time, so the alternatives don't work.

[Anonymous]

This is actually how people make plans, OP:

"Would you like to go to lunch tomorrow?"

"Sorry, I've got an appointment tomorrow, but I could go on Thursday."

"Sorry, Thursday won't work for me; what days are you free next week?"

[Anonymous]

Next time your DS makes plans with this kid, give him 2 options. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Why aren’t you factoring in that this other kid has a busy schedule like your son has? Maybe he also has to factor in his extracurriculars and his own parents and homework? This is a very short phase in the grand scheme of things. The kids are all busy but not quite independent. In a few short years, you’ll see them choose places other than anyone’s home.

[Anonymous]

Next time your DS makes plans with this kid, give him 2 options. See what happens.

Thanks, this actually sounds like the best way to handle. I appreciate the suggestion.

[Anonymous]

This is actually how people make plans, OP:

"Would you like to go to lunch tomorrow?"

"Sorry, I've got an appointment tomorrow, but I could go on Thursday."

"Sorry, Thursday won't work for me; what days are you free next week?"

NP here. I don't really think it is like that. I think it is more along the lines of:

"Would you like to come to dinner at my house Saturday?"
"No, but can I come to dinner at your house on Tuesday?

That being said, although I get that it may be mildly annoying for OP to have to check her work calendar again, she needs to remember that these are kids that are learning how to make plans and handle social situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is actually how people make plans, OP:

"Would you like to go to lunch tomorrow?"

"Sorry, I've got an appointment tomorrow, but I could go on Thursday."

"Sorry, Thursday won't work for me; what days are you free next week?"

+1 You really want your kid to be practicing this kind of give and take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is actually how people make plans, OP:

"Would you like to go to lunch tomorrow?"

"Sorry, I've got an appointment tomorrow, but I could go on Thursday."

"Sorry, Thursday won't work for me; what days are you free next week?"

NP here. I don't really think it is like that. I think it is more along the lines of:

"Would you like to come to dinner at my house Saturday?"
"No, but can I come to dinner at your house on Tuesday?

That being said, although I get that it may be mildly annoying for OP to have to check her work calendar again, she needs to remember that these are kids that are learning how to make plans and handle social situations.

Then her son needs to say, Tuesday is not good, if Tuesday is not good.