Taking the single mom plunge -- lots of questions

[Anonymous]

I am 42 years old and have finally decided that I can't put this decision off any longer (and hopefully it's not too late already). I did have my FSH tested about a year ago and the results were great, but I realize things can deteriorate rapidly at this age. Although I have given lots of thought to the overall question of "do I want to have kids on my own," I really haven't done any research into the procedural/technical side of things. Here are the questions foremost on my mind right now: My ob-gyn recommended Preston Sacks and James Simon if I want a smaller, more personal practice, but also said you can't really argue with SG success rates, if I can handle bigger/less personal. Thoughts on that? Secondly, I've thought that twins could be a great thing -- would like to have two as I worry that the one child-one parent dynamic may be too intense for a singleton, and knowing how much my sister and I consult on things related to our aging parents. But I have serious doubts that if I am lucky enough to get pregnant now I will be lucky again in a couple of years. What is the research on whether twins at my age is a reasonable hope? My ob-gyn says that barring the unforeseen, I will probably be able to go the IUI route at first, but if I really want twins, should I consider paying the considerable expense of IVF? I totally realize that these are highly personalized questions, but just curious as to the thought processes of others and what insights they might offer. Thanks for any advice.

[Anonymous]

I worked with Dr. Sacks and really liked him. Things like Clomid can up your chances of multiples without IVF. I got pregnant with my last baby at 42, so it can be done. Best of luck to you. Friends found the Single Moms by Choice group very helpful and kind of made a backup support group through it, might be worth checking out.
http://www.singlemothersbychoice.com/

[Anonymous]

I'm single and am working with Dr. Sacks. I really like him a lot, and I like that the practice is small. I've gotten really good care there and don't feel that I'm treated any differently than women who have husbands or partners. Dr. Sacks will be able to tell you which procedure (IUI or IVF) is best for you. Everyone is different. He will probably start you off with IUI, but keep in mind that sperm vials cost a lot of money, so even if IVF is more expensive, you may want to consider it because you have a better chance of getting pregnant that way, and you increase your chance of having twins. Doing multiple IUIs with donor sperm is very expensive too.

[Anonymous]

We went to SG. Thought it was great, and it did feel personalized to me. You have the same nurse the whole time, and she's really your point of contact. All we did was Clomid with monitoring and then timed intercourse. Bam! TWINS!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

This is not a snarky post, I swear.
I have a friend who was in your frame of mind a few years ago and thankfully for any future kids she may have had, she didn't go through with it. She can't even take care of herself sometimes and even had to give her dog away, because she couldn't handle that either.
I hope you have thought long and hard about having a child without a partner. Child rearing is a challenge in the best of circumstances, but so wonderful. So, I hope for you and your potential child's future that you are financially and emotionally stable.
Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to be negative, because I actually think it's great that you want to have children. But at 42 it is VERY difficult to get pregnant at all, and extremely unlikely that you'll have twins. I would do some serious research into the success rates at 42 and 43, because they're dismal (in the 10% range, and that's with IVF). You might want to think about donor egg or donor embryos. If money and time are no object, then go ahead and try for a year or two with your own eggs. But if you have monetary considerations, I would go ahead and look at other options. I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 40s and Dr. Sacks said that he thought IVF was not recommended in my case so I'd talk through your particular situation.

OP, I agree that you are more likely to find others who have gone through the same process on SMC boards. I think many folks on DCUM conceived with a partner whether married or not. Your issues are different.

Before you get caught up in wanting twins, think about the fact that many twin pregnancies end up on bedrest and many times the babies are born premature and with some issues. It's just best to be as realistic as possible about all of this. I have friends who did have twins as SMC and it is really hard. Make an appt with an RE. They have counselors, at least Sacks did for anyone using donor sperm. In the meantime, save as much $ as you can and build as strong of a social support network as you can. Hang out at some SMC events and get a realistic picture. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Hey folks -- OP here. I am very emotionally and financially stable and it so happens that my mom and her brother will be living with me, so that will provide me with built in grandparents and companionship. We are all very close, so that's helpful. And I intend to also get a nanny since I don't want to saddle them with child-rearing besides a reasonable amount of helping me out. Thanks for you concern. And thanks also for the single mothers by choice group -- I am just starting with this process and didn't see that.

[Anonymous]

If motherhood is what you want, don't let these posters discourage you. I am single, and being a mother is by far the best thing I have ever done. Yes it's hard, but I can't imagine life without my children. Yes, I have twins, and it is wonderful. I'd turn for support to the SMC group, not this forum.

[Anonymous]

I know three single moms by choice with twins. Its tough but with the support of extended family and some hired extra hands (a nanny or au pair) they are wonderful parents and seem very happy. It sounds like you are in a great position to make this work.

Definiltely seek out a Single Moms by Choice organization and gets some books but DON'T wait. You are short on time.

Twins are a special gift (I have b/g twins) but it can be very exhausting at a level that is very hard understand until you've "been there". Just make sure that whatever route you choose that you don't end up with super-twins (triplets or quads) inadvertently. If you go the IUI route make sure you get mid-cycle monitoring.

Best of luck to you on this journey. I hope you have success to report to us soon.

[Anonymous]

I wish you all the very best in your quest to conceive, but I cannot imagine wishing for twins as a single person, even with grandparents and a nanny. I'm a twin mom myself and good lord is it ever hard- bone-deep tiredness like you've never experienced. It's just exhausting- even when they're sleeping through the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Just make sure that whatever route you choose that you don't end up with super-twins (triplets or quads) inadvertently.

This is not something a 42 year old needs to worry about, realistically. Egg quality drops rapidly as you age, and at 42, only about 10% of your eggs are good. Even if you do get pregnant, your risk of miscarriage will be close to 50%.

[Anonymous]

As someone now pregnant with twins, I really don't think it's a good idea to have that be anyone's goal. Twin pregancies are risky no matter what your age -- chances of birth defects and the babies being premature are much higher. If something bad happens, do you want to have to live with the fact that you sought out to have twins and took those risks on purpose?

Other than that, normally the risk of having twins is higher with IUI than IVF if you are conservative with the number of embryos you implant. If you go to Shady Grove, I'd try to make sure you pick a doctor who is open to working with older women cycling with their own eggs. Good luck to you!!!

[Anonymous]

Being a mom...whether a single or married one is a gift. I wish you all the luck! Do what is in your heart and what you think will make you happy. Life is a journey and a risk. Go for it!

PS - Go the IVF route if money is not an issue. You will have a higher success rate period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to be negative, because I actually think it's great that you want to have children. But at 42 it is VERY difficult to get pregnant at all, and extremely unlikely that you'll have twins. I would do some serious research into the success rates at 42 and 43, because they're dismal (in the 10% range, and that's with IVF). You might want to think about donor egg or donor embryos. If money and time are no object, then go ahead and try for a year or two with your own eggs. But if you have monetary considerations, I would go ahead and look at other options. I wish you luck.

This is so untrue. I had my second at 42 - no medical assistance at all. (My first was conceived naturally, too, at 38.) So don't scare the OP b/c each body is different.

OP - I think it's a great plan. My friend is a single parent by choice, and she couldn't be happier. (She had her first when I had my first. She was inseminated twice, and obviously the second time was a charm!)

Best of luck to you!