5th grade son told us he’s being bullied and doesn’t want us to talk to school

[Anonymous]

How do you handle this? I absolutely want the school to know but also want my son to feel safe that he can tell us about these incidences without him having to worry about the potential fallout.

[Anonymous]

Need more information. How serious/ ongoing is the bullying? Why doesn't he want you to talk to the school?

[Anonymous]

Agree, please provide more info (but not identifying details). OP, my son also was bullied in 5th grade and did not want us to tell the school--I think my advice to you will differ depending on the nature of you son's situation. And sorry that he and you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need more information. How serious/ ongoing is the bullying? Why doesn't he want you to talk to the school?

He’s afraid it will make the issue worse.

DS is being bullied by a student who doesn’t want him in a group of friends and is trying to exclude him. He told me yesterday that it has escalated to the kid kicking his chair and trying to punch him at recess. My son is a very mild mannered introvert so it’s not in his nature to immediately fight back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree, please provide more info (but not identifying details). OP, my son also was bullied in 5th grade and did not want us to tell the school--I think my advice to you will differ depending on the nature of you son's situation. And sorry that he and you are going through this.

Did you end up telling the school?

[Anonymous]

How is your DS's teacher? The right teacher can help to discreetly diffuse the physical component in the classroom and let the "perpetrator" know he is being watched and that your child is not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need more information. How serious/ ongoing is the bullying? Why doesn't he want you to talk to the school?

He’s afraid it will make the issue worse.

DS is being bullied by a student who doesn’t want him in a group of friends and is trying to exclude him. He told me yesterday that it has escalated to the kid kicking his chair and trying to punch him at recess. My son is a very mild mannered introvert so it’s not in his nature to immediately fight back.

Have him talk to the School Counselor. The issue won't escalate but it is important to make the school aware in case it does escalate.

They'll keep a closer eye as well.

[Anonymous]

Had the same problem with my child and did not tell the school. So, my kid trusted me and told me what was going on. ( Mean girl stuff). My hinting at things did not change anything. Not sure if going in and talking to them about specifics would have changed anything anyway. Told by another parent that the school just did not care about addressing bullying anyway.

[Anonymous]

I convinced my kid to let me talk to the teacher by explaining to them that oftentimes people who bully others are acting out because they're having a tough time. We made it clear to the teacher that we wanted to stay anonymous.

[Anonymous]

My rule is "this is unacceptable and if you can't handle it, you need an adult to step in. Can you handle it?" If not, then "Either you can talk to your teacher/counselor/whoever, or I will, or we can go together. You get to choose."

[Anonymous]

File a bully report.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is the poster at 10:37 who also went through this in 5th grade with my son. If is helps, here is our experience and my advice:

It sounds like my son experienced a very similar issue. My son had a lot of friends in grade school until the end of 5th grade. He was in an informal friend group of boys at school that they called a 'club' and there was a boy who named himself the leader. The leader of the group did not like that my son wouldn't just go along with whatever he said, and after a few weeks of contention, one day he started yelling insults at my son during recess and kicked him out of the club. He also told all of the other boys in the club that they also would get kicked out if they stayed friends with my son. Some of the other boys told my son separately that they still liked him but they couldn't be his friend anymore because they did not want what this boy did to my son to happen to them. I did not know anything about this for a couple of months, because my son mainly spent time with his brothers and neighbor kids on weekends, so I didn't see the impact on his social life. One day my son broke down and told me the whole story about what had been happening. He was adamant that I couldn't tell the school, because at this point the boy had stopped harassing him every day and he knew this boy would just retaliate again if the counselor spoke to him and tried to get them to come to a resolution. So we didn't file the bullying report and my son started middle school with no school friends. My husband came up with the idea to start him in a new sport, wrestling, and it was really a lifesaver because a lot of the kids on his team were in his middle school but from a different feeder elementary school, so they had no history with him and became his friend, and things improved from there.

What is interesting is that when we talked about this incident a couple of years later (my son is now in high school), my son tells me that we absolutely should have filed the bullying report over his objections. He said that while he was afraid of what might happen at the time, he has since observed other situations where someone filed a bullying report and what happened, and that at least it would have helped this kid stay away from him during school because the teachers would have been alerted to the problem. Also, it would have been on this kid's record at school, and the kid subsequently got in trouble for a prank -- remember the killer clown prank a few years ago? It happened at many schools and with many kids, so I don't think this is identifying the bully -- and I heard through the grapevine that one of the reasons the police didn't do anything to this particular boy was because he had no record of getting into trouble. Also, apparently this kid also bullied other boys in the same way as he bullied my son -- which I learned years later from other parents -- so maybe if we had filed the form this would have deterred him. Given all of this and the perspective of hindsight, I think that you need to file the form even if your kid objects.

I'm not sure about some of the advice in the other posts. Unfortunately, people talk and there is not really a way to stay anonymous in such a situation. Also, regarding telling a teacher rather than filing the form; if your kid is in private school, I hear that the teachers will be 'on it' and step up to try to help things not get worse, if not try to improve things; but in public school this does not happen. Just my perspective.

Also, I've posted this other places on this board: if you can emotionally distance yourself, it will help. I'm not sure why, probably some kind of childhood triggers from my past, but I got very, very upset by this situation to the point that I was crying during the day and dwelling on it. I also was very upset because, if my son had told me earlier, I thought I could have done something before he lost all of his friends, and I blamed myself. This did not help anything. OP, you don't say anything to make me think that you are reacting in this way, so I hope you are emotionally healthier than I was but I just wanted to share in case it helps. Hugs--

[Anonymous]

I explained what I knew to the teachers so they could watch out for him, but until he was willing to names names, that's where it stayed. He never did, and then we switched schools for middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need more information. How serious/ ongoing is the bullying? Why doesn't he want you to talk to the school?

He’s afraid it will make the issue worse.

DS is being bullied by a student who doesn’t want him in a group of friends and is trying to exclude him. He told me yesterday that it has escalated to the kid kicking his chair and trying to punch him at recess. My son is a very mild mannered introvert so it’s not in his nature to immediately fight back.

Can't he just go hang out with a different group of friends until the bully gets bored? Sorry this is happening. If this happened to my child that's what I'd encourage him to do if he didn't want me to talk to the school.

I do think that in some cases children have the power to stop bullies on their own, especially with coaching from an adult, but it really depends on their personality. I think being mild mannered might work in his favor. The bullies like to see a strong reaction so if a child is crying and makes a big deal about it will only encourage them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the poster at 10:37 who also went through this in 5th grade with my son. If is helps, here is our experience and my advice:

It sounds like my son experienced a very similar issue. My son had a lot of friends in grade school until the end of 5th grade. He was in an informal friend group of boys at school that they called a 'club' and there was a boy who named himself the leader. The leader of the group did not like that my son wouldn't just go along with whatever he said, and after a few weeks of contention, one day he started yelling insults at my son during recess and kicked him out of the club. He also told all of the other boys in the club that they also would get kicked out if they stayed friends with my son. Some of the other boys told my son separately that they still liked him but they couldn't be his friend anymore because they did not want what this boy did to my son to happen to them. I did not know anything about this for a couple of months, because my son mainly spent time with his brothers and neighbor kids on weekends, so I didn't see the impact on his social life. One day my son broke down and told me the whole story about what had been happening. He was adamant that I couldn't tell the school, because at this point the boy had stopped harassing him every day and he knew this boy would just retaliate again if the counselor spoke to him and tried to get them to come to a resolution. So we didn't file the bullying report and my son started middle school with no school friends. My husband came up with the idea to start him in a new sport, wrestling, and it was really a lifesaver because a lot of the kids on his team were in his middle school but from a different feeder elementary school, so they had no history with him and became his friend, and things improved from there.

What is interesting is that when we talked about this incident a couple of years later (my son is now in high school), my son tells me that we absolutely should have filed the bullying report over his objections. He said that while he was afraid of what might happen at the time, he has since observed other situations where someone filed a bullying report and what happened, and that at least it would have helped this kid stay away from him during school because the teachers would have been alerted to the problem. Also, it would have been on this kid's record at school, and the kid subsequently got in trouble for a prank -- remember the killer clown prank a few years ago? It happened at many schools and with many kids, so I don't think this is identifying the bully -- and I heard through the grapevine that one of the reasons the police didn't do anything to this particular boy was because he had no record of getting into trouble. Also, apparently this kid also bullied other boys in the same way as he bullied my son -- which I learned years later from other parents -- so maybe if we had filed the form this would have deterred him. Given all of this and the perspective of hindsight, I think that you need to file the form even if your kid objects.

I'm not sure about some of the advice in the other posts. Unfortunately, people talk and there is not really a way to stay anonymous in such a situation. Also, regarding telling a teacher rather than filing the form; if your kid is in private school, I hear that the teachers will be 'on it' and step up to try to help things not get worse, if not try to improve things; but in public school this does not happen. Just my perspective.

Also, I've posted this other places on this board: if you can emotionally distance yourself, it will help. I'm not sure why, probably some kind of childhood triggers from my past, but I got very, very upset by this situation to the point that I was crying during the day and dwelling on it. I also was very upset because, if my son had told me earlier, I thought I could have done something before he lost all of his friends, and I blamed myself. This did not help anything. OP, you don't say anything to make me think that you are reacting in this way, so I hope you are emotionally healthier than I was but I just wanted to share in case it helps. Hugs--

I have a lot of empathy for what your child was going through but is what happened really bullying and something you wished was on another child's record? A similar thing happened to my child but I would never think of it as bullying. The child who told my child he was no longer in the club is a nice kid who did a not very nice thing when he was in 5th grade.