Public v private v boarding -- help us decide for anxiety-ridden overly intellectual child

[Anonymous]

Dd is our third child out of 5 children. She was a public school kid but has been homeschooled since Covid (7th and 8th grades) with an agreement between our local school and a private online school since our local school didn't reopen and was very disorganized and DD is very shy with an IEP for severe anxiety (this agreement allows DD to maintain her IEP).

Dd has applied to boarding and local private schools, and is considering our local high school which is ranked 10/10 with a school population of 1000 kids (250/grade).

Here's our thoughts:

1) cost of private/boarding: DH is a government employee with a salary of $170k and no chance for a raise. DW is a lawyer at a small firm with a fluctuating salary of $60k-$80k depending on the year/bonuses. DW cannot move to another practice since she needs flexibility for the multiple children at home. We expect to qualify for some financial aid but there will be a lot of burden especially as our oldest will be going to college next year, too, and we'll already be tightening our belts to afford it and then our second should start college in 2 years (current 12th and 10th graders).

2) inconvenience of private/boarding: Either with flying/driving and different schedules than 3 other children (not college one), public is the easiest.

3) academics of public: even our 10/10 public school is a joke compared to the other schools -- the advantage is that our eldest has a 4.0 even with all AP/honors courses for freshman, sophomore, and l junior year with very little stress/homework - but of course, the disadvantage is that DD would learn a lot more in private/boarding. I think because stress is a factor for DD due to anxiety, this is a wash and I'm okay with the lower academic standards in the public school

4) mental health issues: this is my primary concern and the number one reason we encouraged DD to apply to private and boarding. Dd is extremely shy but seems to do very well in residential situations like sleepaway camps and religious retreats. I'm thinking that DD may do much better in a boarding school environment than in a day school environment. But even the local private schools where she applied are better because they are so much smaller and more intimate where she will quickly know everyone and may be much better for her mental health. Of course, the other side of that coin is that Dd will lose her IEP -- right now DD gets weekly mental health counseling from the school -- counseling that is critical for her mental well-being as we quickly learned due to the multiple weeks that were missed when Covid first began. We'd need to supplement this counseling in a private environment.

Also, one option that we haven't considered is keeping her at her private online school -- the district is willing to continue her counseling and she is getting socialization through school sports. But DD is ready to go back to school and we are ready for DD to return.

We'll get decisions from the schools in March. I'd like some advice in making this decision beforehand.

[Anonymous]

You didn’t indicate that public was ever not working for your DD, just that you choose homeschooling during Covid. So why not go back, if you already have an IEP in place that is working.

You’re making some assumptions about that public school vs private school academics based on your oldest child. However, this is going to be highly variable depending on child, interest in subjects, and private school. Additionally, if you haven’t already applied to the private/boarding school of interest you’re very behind for the upcoming year(which seems to be 9th for you) and finding placement for 10th is even more scarce.

Private or boarding may be thebperfect place for your DD. However, you’re going to need to explore finances for how you can make this workable. Whether that means loans for the upcoming college students or going to a lower cost school. Maybe it means going back to public but via virtual education model. May be switching job to make more money as at least three of the kids are HS or older.

All the above said, I wouldn’t recommend incurring the cost of private, given you have college cost for two coming up very soon, with the cost of college for the third possibly occuring shortly thereafter and two other kids to consider. Unless your child has a situation that absolutely requires private, it does not sound like an affordable situation for your family without some serious family sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn’t indicate that public was ever not working for your DD, just that you choose homeschooling during Covid. So why not go back, if you already have an IEP in place that is working.

You’re making some assumptions about that public school vs private school academics based on your oldest child. However, this is going to be highly variable depending on child, interest in subjects, and private school. Additionally, if you haven’t already applied to the private/boarding school of interest you’re very behind for the upcoming year(which seems to be 9th for you) and finding placement for 10th is even more scarce.

Private or boarding may be thebperfect place for your DD. However, you’re going to need to explore finances for how you can make this workable. Whether that means loans for the upcoming college students or going to a lower cost school. Maybe it means going back to public but via virtual education model. May be switching job to make more money as at least three of the kids are HS or older.

All the above said, I wouldn’t recommend incurring the cost of private, given you have college cost for two coming up very soon, with the cost of college for the third possibly occuring shortly thereafter and two other kids to consider. Unless your child has a situation that absolutely requires private, it does not sound like an affordable situation for your family without some serious family sacrifices.

I agree with this poster completely. Given that you have five children, this sounds like a financial non-starter to me unless multiple children are able to obtain full financial aid/merit scholarships to college. It also does not sound like she was in crisis in public school. It sounds like you have been able to make it work over the years and college will give her a residential experience in the future. I would not put my family through this level of financial strain simply because public school does not provide the ideal environment.

[Anonymous]

Is the boarding school therapeutic?

My spouse had a great boarding school experience, but our child's psychologist did not recommend it for our anxious child. He says boarding school is great for kids who love being around other kids 24/7 and enjoy that constant social stimulation, but kids who need to recharge by escaping classmates often don't do well and their mental health issues can be exacerbated. There is very little time off from being at school.

[Anonymous]

OP I seriously doubt public is a joke

No way a private is better in math and science.

You are thinking of sending a kid with issues to boarding school you need parenting help.

You need to re-evaluate everything you wrote

[Anonymous]

I had anxiety as a kid and I have a child with anxiety. I would absolutely not do boarding. I thought I wanted boarding school as a kid, but looking back it would NOT have been a good choice.

As someone pointed out above, boarding school is a draining environment for an introvert. (And while not every kid with anxiety is an introvert, many are, and from your descriptions I'm guessing your daughter is). I would also want to be able to monitor how things are going with the high school transition and the mental health management much more closely than I could for a kid at boarding school. Many, many kids with anxiety "mask" when they're with others beyond a few trusted people, trying very hard to appear normal and keep it together. This may be what you're seeing in environments like camp. School lasts much longer than camp, though, and without the release and supervision of a trusted adult, if they start to struggle it's less likely to be noticed by someone until the problem has gotten to the point they literally can't manage, which is not a situation in which I'd want to put my child.

*If* you get financial aid to make a good-fit private work it could be a good option. If you go that path I would absolutely ask the public school district to continue her IEP and mental health services - they're required to provide them to all who need them, even private school students.

[Anonymous]

Lol @ “overly intellectual”

What does that even mean?

[Anonymous]

My niece had a boarding school roommate with severe anxiety -- it was a truly, terrible situation. The school was not a therapeutic setting, and basically it was her roommates left to try to help her. Obviously, the teenagers couldn't, and they all ended up in therapy over it too.

[Anonymous]

I went to boarding school and I think it’s a very bad idea for a student with anxiety. Teachers have so many kids to deal with that they can’t support her like family can. Also, they are very competitive and most are quite focused on sports, so it is likely she would experience it as stressful.

A child with significant anxiety does not thrive in intense academic environments.

[Anonymous]

No to boarding.

Maybe to private (if you get significant aide and its a great fit for your child--both must be true otherwise this is a NO too).

No to online school (your child wants to be in school, you want that too, help child do this with supports).

Yes to public school with supports (there is no reason not to do this unless you get an affordable private tailored for your child).

You are in it and so it seems hard. But really your own post makes the answer crystal clear. There is no perfect solution. It will be a journey. You will help your kid and your kid will thrive (however that looks for DC) with you and the support you will ensure DC receives while under your roof. When DC is older it will be harder, do what you can while DC is at home.

[Anonymous]

I agree in general on boarding schools. Our 2 have both attended boarding schools. Incredible experiences for them. Wish I had gone. But the environment certainly is that it is hard to get away from everybody. Despite that, you might look at the nearby ones, which would allow your DD to return home as needed without flying. You might want her to be within an easy drive.

On privates, you might look at St Stephens in Alex and McLean or St Andrews in Potomac. Great schools, less intense, than others.

On public, you might consider whether your local HS would work for your DD. I am not convinced that a larger public HS, even a good one academically, is a great place for those with anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I seriously doubt public is a joke

No way a private is better in math and science.

You are thinking of sending a kid with issues to boarding school you need parenting help.

You need to re-evaluate everything you wrote

There are many private schools better at math and science. It depends on the two schools you are comparing. My child’s public school was far behind the private school DC transferred into. Of course there are many excellent public schools as well, but you can’t generalize.

Agree on no boarding school for a kid with anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are sending her away as you don't want to deal with her. You cannot afford boarding school with five kids. You simply don't have time to give her the attention she needs. If you are working full time and have 5 kids you are not homeschooling and she's basically teaching herself. Stop expecting other people to take care of your kids. If she has mental health issues, she needs more than just school therapy.

[Anonymous]

You are willing to pay for private school or boarding school but not counseling? School counseling isn’t going to be the same as a private counselor who specializes in anxiety.