We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws

[Anonymous]

We are always the one traveling to see in laws and now with kids it’s really adding up to a like item in our budget, the flights are expensive for a family to go often and it’s completely on sided. Despite asking to meet them in a resort destination an hour away or inviting them to visit us, they have only made the effort once in 7 years. We also tend to be the one to pick up the checks when we see them. We recently found out that they gave both of his siblings 6 figure gifts for down payments for homes. This was in addition to paying for private education for college. DH put himself through college with a combination of scholarships and a small loan and we never received a financial gift for either our kids or ourselves. We don’t ask for money but at the same time, maintaining a relationship with then in expensive and it seems selfish they are willing to help so much when it comes to everyone else but can’t even put forth a few thousand dollars to visit but expect us to make the effort every time. I asked DH if he could invite them this year and we take that money and put it towards travel for a destination our family chooses. Visiting them is not at at refreshing to me and we have a tighter budget than normal and feel like maybe we need to skip a year.

[Anonymous]

You are coming across as a selfish and greedy person from this post. Are you or is this a wrong assumption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are coming across as a selfish and greedy person from this post. Are you or is this a wrong assumption?

It’s more than I expect reciprocity in relationships. Everyone should have some skin in the game even in parent/kid relationships. It shouldn’t be one person making all the effort and spending their own resources to do so. I find it bizarre they can’t put any effort into coming to us especially because anyone with kids knows it’s not easy to travel with toddlers and young children. If they don’t care and don’t want to that’s fine but maybe we need to prioritize ourselves sometimes too and take our own family vacation with what we would have spent.

[Anonymous]

So, what would happen if you said "no visit this year"?
Would they make a fuss or be indifferent?
Maybe it's time to find out.

[Anonymous]

How often do you visit? Once a year or multiple? Can you drive or work their city into a few days and then go on to a real vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are coming across as a selfish and greedy person from this post. Are you or is this a wrong assumption?

NP. She is not coming across that way at all. I would be resentful too and cut out the travel to them. The gifts to the other siblings in particular stings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are coming across as a selfish and greedy person from this post. Are you or is this a wrong assumption?

It’s more than I expect reciprocity in relationships. Everyone should have some skin in the game even in parent/kid relationships. It shouldn’t be one person making all the effort and spending their own resources to do so. I find it bizarre they can’t put any effort into coming to us especially because anyone with kids knows it’s not easy to travel with toddlers and young children. If they don’t care and don’t want to that’s fine but maybe we need to prioritize ourselves sometimes too and take our own family vacation with what we would have spent.

Did they spend no money on his care of education when he was growing up? Do they feel welcome visiting your home? If you don’t feel like going every year if expense is too much, may be only your spouse can visit. Either way, expecting them to spend their money as you please if the want you to visit is a bit manipulative.

[Anonymous]

I say visiting anyone every year is a bit too much, unless you enjoy the visits. It shouldn’t be an obligation just because you are married to their offspring. Let him visit every year.

[Anonymous]

We had a somewhat similar situation.

Ultimately you can’t control what anyone else does. You can only make the best decisions for your family. In your case I would reduce the number of times you go to see them and build in some good family holidays. I would not invest time and effort in trying to get them to come out to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are coming across as a selfish and greedy person from this post. Are you or is this a wrong assumption?

NP. She is not coming across that way at all. I would be resentful too and cut out the travel to them. The gifts to the other siblings in particular stings.

NP. I agree. The one-sidedness is rude and inconsiderate, and the monetary gifts to the other siblings but not DH is really hurtful. OP and DH could use money for 529s, or the in-laws could at least foot the bill for OP’s family to travel to the in-laws, or AT LEAST pick up the check when OP and family are visiting. ILs sound selfish. OP, do your kids enjoy their grandparents? Does your DH enjoy them? Does he agree this year maybe you all do something else with your vacation money and vote the ILs to come to you this time?

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain as we have to travel internationally To visit family. It has cost a fortune over the years. We have not travelled to see family OS since the pandemic started though. We now have weekly family video chats - could you start something like that to maintain connections without eating into savings.

I started talking to family (diplomatically) about our expenses so they would appreciate that it costs many thousands of dollars and that we expect them to make an effort as well (such as adjust calendars to accommodate us a bit more). It helped as family
Had no idea just how expensive it is to travel to meet them every year.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

How often do your parents visit you, and how much money have they contributed to your household?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do your parents visit you, and how much money have they contributed to your household?

One parent has passed away abs the other is in long term care for a major disability and not mobile.

[Anonymous]

No my parents haven’t contributed to my household. Part of me is feeling like we need to really focus our money on our own kid’s future. Every trip is thousands that could be in their college funds.

[Anonymous]

I understand your frustration, OP, and I'd be upset, too. But I think the real question here is where is your DH on this topic? How does he feel about the current arrangement?

If he's happy with it, then you need to work it out with him. If he doesn't like it, then you and he need to agree on what works for both of you and then he needs to handle his parents. If he wants to continue as is, then you can decide how often you're willing to go and talk to him. Maybe you and kids go every two years for fewer days.

Good luck. OP.