Relationship during young kids phase

[Anonymous]

3 kids all 5 years old and younger. Relationship is suffering because DH feels like I am not Affectionate enough or supportive enough for him. I work full time and take care of the kids 90% of the time. Dh works a lot (60+ Hours a week). He feels like we don’t have time to ourselves, don’t have enough sex and I am not affectionate enough to him. I am exhausted from taking care of the kids. We still have sex 1-2 times a week. Not sure what else I can do.

[Anonymous]

Be generous and forgiving of each other and wait for this season to pass. 1-2 times a week isn't bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 kids all 5 years old and younger. Relationship is suffering because DH feels like I am not Affectionate enough or supportive enough for him. I work full time and take care of the kids 90% of the time. Dh works a lot (60+ Hours a week). He feels like we don’t have time to ourselves, don’t have enough sex and I am not affectionate enough to him. I am exhausted from taking care of the kids. We still have sex 1-2 times a week. Not sure what else I can do.

"Cool. So how are you going to change that?"

He needs to provide solutions, not just complain. You are not an endless resource he gets to extract from.

Tell him to come back to you when he has ideas to take some of the burden off your shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 kids all 5 years old and younger. Relationship is suffering because DH feels like I am not Affectionate enough or supportive enough for him. I work full time and take care of the kids 90% of the time. Dh works a lot (60+ Hours a week). He feels like we don’t have time to ourselves, don’t have enough sex and I am not affectionate enough to him. I am exhausted from taking care of the kids. We still have sex 1-2 times a week. Not sure what else I can do.

"Cool. So how are you going to change that?"

He needs to provide solutions, not just complain. You are not an endless resource he gets to extract from.

Tell him to come back to you when he has ideas to take some of the burden off your shoulders.

+1

Also, based on my experience and that of close friends who have confused in me, 1-2x a week with 3 kids under 5 is well above average and he needs to have realistic expectations of what is even possible because most people don’t have energy for more than that with so many little kids.

If he does have energy for 3-4x a week, he’s not helping with the kids enough.

[Anonymous]

*confided in me, not confused

** I know a happily married couple who had sex 4x in two years when their youngest was in preschool because it was such a draining time for them. Kid grew out of the tough phase, they could finally hire sitters again, their sex life vastly improved. A good relationship can weather these dips.

[Anonymous]

Man here, 1-2x a week is way above average for that age.

My guess is if you can carve out 30 minutes to be really present with him during sex it will improve his perception and feeling like he is still part of a romantic relationship. But you need to tell him what you need to get there, including him stepping up at home.

The reality is that a lot of married people stop having sex or at least decent sex once the kids come (raises hand) and men especially have a hard time accepting it.

[Anonymous]

My only advice is to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself as much as you can during this phase. If you don’t take care of yourself because you are exhausted, he isn’t going to feel sorry for you. He is only going to think you are weak. If he is angry with you for leaving him with the kids after working a 12 hour day so that you can rest or exercise or call your mom, then so be it. He’s already angry with you anyway.

Most men would see that you have a lot on your plate and would step up at home. I know many men who are parents of young kids, work 60+ hours/wk, and still manage to support their wives and pull their weight a team home. Your husband is not only not stepping up, he is resentful of the kids taking your time from him and is asking for more from you. That says to me that he is willfully closing his eyes to what’s going on with you because it makes him feel bad. Your marriage might get better as the kids get older, but he is never going to see and acknowledge how hard this is for you.

Take care of yourself. Reach out to friends for support. Take a step back from your husband’s criticisms of you and see if they really make sense before you twist yourself in knots trying to please him.

[Anonymous]

1-2 times a week is great

[Anonymous]

Op here - I work a full time job, pick up and drop off the kids, do the laundry, dishes, cook etc. I work out 4-5 times a week and do keep up with my friends/family.

I feel like all DH has is work and me and the kids when he has time. But he prefers me over the kids (at least in my mind). I mean he loves the kids but I don’t think he likes this stage in life with them. So gets frustrated by them and wants alone time with me, which I can’t give because you know 3 kids who are young and dependent on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I work a full time job, pick up and drop off the kids, do the laundry, dishes, cook etc. I work out 4-5 times a week and do keep up with my friends/family.

I feel like all DH has is work and me and the kids when he has time. But he prefers me over the kids (at least in my mind). I mean he loves the kids but I don’t think he likes this stage in life with them. So gets frustrated by them and wants alone time with me, which I can’t give because you know 3 kids who are young and dependent on me.

I don’t know. If he is watching the kids while you exercise 4-5 times a week and go out with your friends/family, then you can probably give him a little more time with you.
I thought from your OP that he didn’t do this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I work a full time job, pick up and drop off the kids, do the laundry, dishes, cook etc. I work out 4-5 times a week and do keep up with my friends/family.

I feel like all DH has is work and me and the kids when he has time. But he prefers me over the kids (at least in my mind). I mean he loves the kids but I don’t think he likes this stage in life with them. So gets frustrated by them and wants alone time with me, which I can’t give because you know 3 kids who are young and dependent on me.

I don’t know. If he is watching the kids while you exercise 4-5 times a week and go out with your friends/family, then you can probably give him a little more time with you.
I thought from your OP that he didn’t do this at all.

Op here - no he isn’t watching the kids when I am doing that. I work out during the day while the kids are gone (during lunch). By keeping up with friends/family I do it via text/face time and also just bring the kids with me when I see them in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I work a full time job, pick up and drop off the kids, do the laundry, dishes, cook etc. I work out 4-5 times a week and do keep up with my friends/family.

I feel like all DH has is work and me and the kids when he has time. But he prefers me over the kids (at least in my mind). I mean he loves the kids but I don’t think he likes this stage in life with them. So gets frustrated by them and wants alone time with me, which I can’t give because you know 3 kids who are young and dependent on me.

I don’t know. If he is watching the kids while you exercise 4-5 times a week and go out with your friends/family, then you can probably give him a little more time with you.
I thought from your OP that he didn’t do this at all.

Op here - no he isn’t watching the kids when I am doing that. I work out during the day while the kids are gone (during lunch). By keeping up with friends/family I do it via text/face time and also just bring the kids with me when I see them in person.

Well, take a break during lunch, leave the kids with him for an hour when he gets home and go workout, and see if you feel like spending more time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 kids all 5 years old and younger. Relationship is suffering because DH feels like I am not Affectionate enough or supportive enough for him. I work full time and take care of the kids 90% of the time. Dh works a lot (60+ Hours a week). He feels like we don’t have time to ourselves, don’t have enough sex and I am not affectionate enough to him. I am exhausted from taking care of the kids. We still have sex 1-2 times a week. Not sure what else I can do.

"Cool. So how are you going to change that?"

He needs to provide solutions, not just complain. You are not an endless resource he gets to extract from.

Tell him to come back to you when he has ideas to take some of the burden off your shoulders.

Divorced guy : this !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 kids all 5 years old and younger. Relationship is suffering because DH feels like I am not Affectionate enough or supportive enough for him. I work full time and take care of the kids 90% of the time. Dh works a lot (60+ Hours a week). He feels like we don’t have time to ourselves, don’t have enough sex and I am not affectionate enough to him. I am exhausted from taking care of the kids. We still have sex 1-2 times a week. Not sure what else I can do.

"Cool. So how are you going to change that?"

He needs to provide solutions, not just complain. You are not an endless resource he gets to extract from.

Tell him to come back to you when he has ideas to take some of the burden off your shoulders.

Divorced guy : this !

What does that mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 kids all 5 years old and younger. Relationship is suffering because DH feels like I am not Affectionate enough or supportive enough for him. I work full time and take care of the kids 90% of the time. Dh works a lot (60+ Hours a week). He feels like we don’t have time to ourselves, don’t have enough sex and I am not affectionate enough to him. I am exhausted from taking care of the kids. We still have sex 1-2 times a week. Not sure what else I can do.

"Cool. So how are you going to change that?"

He needs to provide solutions, not just complain. You are not an endless resource he gets to extract from.

Tell him to come back to you when he has ideas to take some of the burden off your shoulders.

Divorced guy : this !

What does that mean?

It means a guy who is divorced agrees with what had been expressed in the previous post