How can I stop being the forgotten “friend”?

[Anonymous]

I have a few friends but they all have their own friends and circles outside of me. They routinely do things with their group and I often feel left out. I’ve never had my own core of friends. This has been the case pretty much forever.

Fast forward to now, I had an opportunity to join a community service organization which I thought would also be a great way to meet new people and maybe gain new friendships. Yet, I find myself in the same spot yet again. I often see posts of groups of people in the organization getting together for social events and again I’m not included. Everyone in the organization just recently met each other, so there’s no longevity of relationships or anything of that nature.

It makes me sad and I really want to figure out why this keeps happening. At this point, it has to be me. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

How often do you organize plans? It sounds like you are naturally introverted so that’s probably the vibe you give off. Take the time to ask people to do stuff that you organize and their perspective of you will shift.

[Anonymous]

Plan some of the social events/outings. If you're waiting passively, you'll keep getting forgotten.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree that I am naturally introverted. I love to do activities and have fun and want to have friends and go places but I’m never the “center of attention” or the main talker if that makes sense. You are both right…I don’t make plans myself because I fear that no one will come or people will think I’m weird for asking them. Then, I fear that if I make a plan then everyone will look at me to be “hostess” or to lead everything which takes me back to not being the main conversationist of an event. How can I build the confidence to initiate plans? What works for you?

[Anonymous]

I really feel you, OP. I have been putting some effort into this myself for the last year or so and got some good ideas here: https://slate.com/podcasts/how-to/2021/10/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult

One thing that was helpful in that podcast was accepting different types of friendships- I have been more open to what she calls "friends of the road" and that has led to a few deeper friendships than I expected. I also took a long look at my own behavior, and realized that is some situations when I am a bit anxious I might sometimes talk over people, which could be off putting. I consider myself a somewhat quiet person so was surprised to realize I was doing this (again, anxiety related), I've worked on it and seems to have helped some.

Finally, I had to join a few different groups before I found one with people I clicked with. For me, a women's hiking group is where I finally found a few people (not in the DC area though).

I know it is hard but I think it is worth putting in the effort, and actually making friends as an adult is a more solvable problem than I realized!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really feel you, OP. I have been putting some effort into this myself for the last year or so and got some good ideas here: https://slate.com/podcasts/how-to/2021/10/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult

One thing that was helpful in that podcast was accepting different types of friendships- I have been more open to what she calls "friends of the road" and that has led to a few deeper friendships than I expected. I also took a long look at my own behavior, and realized that is some situations when I am a bit anxious I might sometimes talk over people, which could be off putting. I consider myself a somewhat quiet person so was surprised to realize I was doing this (again, anxiety related), I've worked on it and seems to have helped some.

Finally, I had to join a few different groups before I found one with people I clicked with. For me, a women's hiking group is where I finally found a few people (not in the DC area though).

I know it is hard but I think it is worth putting in the effort, and actually making friends as an adult is a more solvable problem than I realized!

Thank you for sharing the podcast! I will definitely listen. It’s interesting that you mention the over talking…that might be something I do as well now that I think about it. I tend to finish people’s sentences and I think it is anxiety related or just wanting to chime in. Wow. Really never thought of it that way.

[Anonymous]

This would be me. Smile and chat nonsense more. I’ve contemplated taking a swig of wine before these things, as I tend to come off as aloof. I need to losen up. One thing I fear is getting into a gossipy group though. Those ladies will cut you off if you don’t play.

[Anonymous]

You need to take the initiative. I'm an introvert just like you, and I've had years of experience in many different social circles, both good and bad. The ones where I've succeeded were always once where I took the initiative and organized things myself.

You have to get over the fear of asking people to do things. I've planned events where no one came - it's really ok. People are busy and flaky and it's not personal. Try a few times, then move on.

I'll give you just a couple examples. I moved to a new city, as a new mom, didn't know anyone. I organized a donation drive for baby supplies, advertised it online. Exchanged numbers with a woman who dropped off some diapers because she seemed cool. Asked her to do a playdate. She rescheduled/bailed a couple of times. I asked again. We hung out and ultimately became great friends for a number of years.

Just recently, I tried to start a book club (new city, no friends). Organized a group of women online via a FB group. Despite initial excitement, no one came to the first one. I tried again, one other woman came. We had so much fun and she asked to do it again. I followed up with a couple of others and they said they'd come next time.

Oh, and as for making a group. I successfully did this a couple times by making several individual friends and introducing them to each other over time.

[Anonymous]

My husband is way more introverted than I am. One of the things he does that is off-putting to people is that sometimes when someone tells a story, he comes up with a similar story in an attempt to relate. However, it will come of sometimes as an attempt at one-upping to someone who doesn't know him well. He's trying to look as though he understands, but he won't ask you questions about your story and it looks like he's not listening. You may want to see if you're doing this too.

Ask questions. Tons of questions. Be willing to let your own stories or contributions go if they no longer are conversationally-relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is way more introverted than I am. One of the things he does that is off-putting to people is that sometimes when someone tells a story, he comes up with a similar story in an attempt to relate. However, it will come of sometimes as an attempt at one-upping to someone who doesn't know him well. He's trying to look as though he understands, but he won't ask you questions about your story and it looks like he's not listening. You may want to see if you're doing this too.

Ask questions. Tons of questions. Be willing to let your own stories or contributions go if they no longer are conversationally-relevant.

My spouse is the same way, PP. I think he views conversations as his way to share about himself and make connections, but I never hear him ask questions of other people. (He doesn't really have many close friends.)

I second the recommendation to ask questions!

[Anonymous]

I socialize but I feel like I make all the effort. People rarely organize or invite me to things. I am always the host and invite people over to my house. People must like me because they always accept but rarely reciprocate.

I initiate play dates, dinners, vacations, everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I socialize but I feel like I make all the effort. People rarely organize or invite me to things. I am always the host and invite people over to my house. People must like me because they always accept but rarely reciprocate.

I initiate play dates, dinners, vacations, everything.

If you've cultivated friends who will go on vacations with you, you have very good friends indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is way more introverted than I am. One of the things he does that is off-putting to people is that sometimes when someone tells a story, he comes up with a similar story in an attempt to relate. However, it will come of sometimes as an attempt at one-upping to someone who doesn't know him well. He's trying to look as though he understands, but he won't ask you questions about your story and it looks like he's not listening. You may want to see if you're doing this too.

Ask questions. Tons of questions. Be willing to let your own stories or contributions go if they no longer are conversationally-relevant.

My spouse is the same way, PP. I think he views conversations as his way to share about himself and make connections, but I never hear him ask questions of other people. (He doesn't really have many close friends.)

I second the recommendation to ask questions!

I do this too, and I really gel with people who do it also. You just need to find the right people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I socialize but I feel like I make all the effort. People rarely organize or invite me to things. I am always the host and invite people over to my house. People must like me because they always accept but rarely reciprocate.

I initiate play dates, dinners, vacations, everything.

PP, say something like, I love your house, I enjoyed being there the last time you had us over like 3 years ago? It was so much fun and relaxing, etc...
Keep repeating to them!

[Anonymous]

You either need one person who is an extrovert who will pull you into a group or you need to shed your introvert skin and start initiating stuff on your own. I've had both work for me!