Why do I let this bother me, and how can I stop?
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Anonymous
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We bought our home during the height of the real estate collapse of 2009. We got a hell of a deal on this place and have fixed it up over the years. We’ve never wanted to upsize into a larger place because we’ve made this one everything we could ever want (minus maybe a mudroom or master bathroom.) We are in a safe neighborhood with excellent schools, and have no reason to leave. Not to mention our mortgage is dirt cheap, which allows us to save more for retirement and other luxuries in life, plus we are nearly paid it off.
It seems, however, that in both our families, the cornerstone of success is a big, new build home, and if you haven’t achieved that then you haven’t arrived. I notice, especially with DH family, I feel we are really looked down upon. It’s very superficial, they have no idea what goes on with our finances, only what they can see. I know it shouldn’t bother me but for some reason it does. Why do I let it bother me, and is there a way to shut it down? |
Anonymous
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Not at all! I prefer that people don't realize we have more money than it seems - it keeps the money requests at bay and expectations low.
One snag: we do actually need a larger home, but I can't find anything that I like in my neighborhood, and I don't want to move. We should build out, or raze our house and build new... but we're lazy and are waiting for our oldest to move out to college. |
Anonymous
| You’ll find this attitude elsewhere than just family. We live in a house that is relatively small. You have to just “own it” and not let it get to you. Also, having your relatives not know how much you are really worth is not the worst thing. We’ve always kept that to ourselves. |
Anonymous
| If they say anything, just respond with, some version of, 'well, I like it' or 'yep, we live there'. You could start affectionately referring to it as 'house classic', 'house 1.0' or some such. Just embrace your love for your old house. Make extra sure to enthusiastically tell them every detail of you renovations at any opportunity. |
Anonymous
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I live in a sprawling new build that screams “I have ARRIVED!”
My brother lives in a cozy, 1200 square foot older house in a meh neighborhood. I took my DD to visit recently and she absolutely LOVED my brothers house and keeps asking to go back. She likes the cozy, comfy, happy feeling of being there. Their house feels so different from ours it’s almost like visiting another country. They have a wood burning stove and everything feels kind of like pioneer living in a way (even though they live in a city and have all the modern conveniences of a normal house). I don’t know, you can feel the love there. It may not be impressive but their choice to live in a smaller house enables my SIL to stay home and they also have 4 kids (we only have 2). Everyone has different priorities, values, needs, desires, etc. |
Anonymous
Also arrived, OPs family, apparently. |
Anonymous
| And for them a 'This Old House' box set next Christmas. |
Anonymous
It's really nice you can appreciate your brother's house, PP. I have that kind of house, too. Back in the day when I hosted birthday parties for my kids, and the parents would come to pick up their children, I'd get two kinds of reactions: "Oh, your house is so cute and charming!", said sincerely, by people who felt how cozy it was and liked all the little period touches; and the shocked swiveling heads that wondered where the rest of the house was, because those people lived in mansions and weren't used to seeing all the main floor in one head-swivel. |
Anonymous
| I deal with this by inwardly looking down at THEM. I love our modest house. We are raising a wonderful family in it and making beautiful memories. I know some of our friends and family have poor opinions of it, but I kind of pity them for their shortsightedness and their superficiality. |
Anonymous
| Let them know you are happy to expand your current home or move and ask if they would like to transfer the money directly to you account or just pay the mortgage company directly. |
Anonymous
| What you think of yourself is more important than what you think others think of you. When you understand that, and when you improve your own self-esteem, then what you're describing won't have the power to hurt you as much. Notice that you've said both families have the same value system but yet you're only calling out your husband's family. What does that say about you and how can you change your thinking about it? |
Anonymous
| You have not arrived yet. Get to the point where you no longer care what they think,or what you suspect they think. Be comfortable and content with the choices you have made. Then you will have arrived. |
Anonymous
| How do you know this? Asking seriously- do they make comments? |
Anonymous
| Be thankful you have a home. |
Anonymous
Absolutely not. Don’t do this. OP, you sound balanced and grounded. That sounds way more mature than them. So feel superior all you can! |