Mix of private and public for multiple kids—anything to think about?
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Anonymous
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Our eldest kid is almost 6 years older than our middle child, and the baby is 3 years younger than that. Naturally we picked a school that was the best fit for our eldest. Now I don’t think it’s a good fit for our middle child at all.
Our reasons for picking a private school for our firstborn related to her personality, anxiety level, and need for a small environment. And she has totally flourished there. But my middle child is gregarious, athletic, and wild. I’m not even sure he’d get into the school, frankly, despite sibling preference. The fact is, I think he might be better suited to public school. But I am feeling really weird about only paying for private for one kid, or, who knows, the eldest and the youngest maybe, but not the middle kid. It seems like favoritism. Especially when none of them are special needs as far as we know today. On the other hand it feels weird to send the middle kid to some private school just to do it, if public would be a good fit. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Any advice welcome really. |
Anonymous
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Private is not inherently better than public. As you recognize, different kids need different things and so different schools are going to fit them better. Sending a kid to a poor-fit school merely because it costs money is dumb.
We started with oldest in private and youngest in public. We moved youngest to private in MS, but a different private from his sister. |
Anonymous
| I have twins - one in public, one in private. It what works for them at the moment. |
Anonymous
| Paying for the eldest and youngest and not the middle seems like a hell of a way to reenforce middle child syndrome |
Anonymous
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I know I’ve responded in other threads with this question, so search for more responses. The short answer is I agree with PPs, different kids have different needs and if on balance, things are fair and out in the open, it’s fine.
I had my younger kid in private and older in public for many years. At every logical transition (ES to MS for example), we presented older kid the opportunity to explore private so they knew it was an option for every kid in the house. The practical issues are with the school calendars and transportation. They’ve never had the same spring break and with two working parents the number of different days off can be very difficult. |
Anonymous
| Go private up until HS so they form good habits and learn. Move into public HS to get a better college placement. |
Anonymous
OP here and 100% true. If I think private would be a better fit for youngest kid later I will really have painted myself into a corner. |
Anonymous
They can save the money for their nursing home if the they messed up on who they played favorites with. |
Anonymous
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I would search for other threads on this topic. There people who respond that you should do what works best for each child, but there are also usually quite a few who had been in that situation as a child and who say that it did generate resentment.
I’d look at different schools — your second sounds like the exact kind of kid that would benefit from an all boys school. Teachers, especially at competitive privates, love girls, who sit still and have neat handwriting, etc. Also, even if you didn’t mean it that way, the way you describe your second child could be interpreted by them to be “you aren’t as smart as your sister,” which would be an unfortunate message to send. If I were you, I’d find a private school that was a good fit for second child (not necessarily the same one) and pay for it through elementary. Re-evaluate for middle school and HS, when the kid will be able to express their own preferences. |
Anonymous
Hi OP- if you’re able, you could set what would have been the tuition money aside for your middle child for something else later. I haven’t fully thought that suggestion through, just throwing it out there. Does middle child seem to have a preference? |
Anonymous
This was the dynamic for my stepkids and the middle child is still a bit bitter about it. Makes it even worse that middle child is female flanked by 2 brothers who got all private Ed |
Anonymous
NP yes like super fancy sleepaway camp |
Anonymous
| Do what is right for each kid at each stage of their life and be open about it with everyone. Choose logical stages(early ES, late ES, MS, HS) as checkin points to review what is working and what is not. In MS and HS be sure you listen to each kids preference and be willing to pursue a variety of different private schools, magnet programs, local ps, etc. be sure to reiterate to each that its their individual journey, not their sibling’s journey. |
Anonymous
| I so wanted to put my twins in public school but for their needs, Private is doing well for them. They had some delays due to being preemie so I felt they would get lost on the sauce in a class of 22-28 for K since they didn’t qualify for an IEP. They’re in 2nd grade this year and I always said o would evaluate at 4th and if I didn’t make the transition, I’d evaluate again at 6th. |
Anonymous
| Fair does not mean equal. It means everyone gets what's right for them. I've been telling my kids this since before they could understand it, so they now really grasp that fair does NOT mean equal. Does my son have a bunch of hair clips? No. He doesn't want them. THat's fair. Does my daughter have four baseball hats? No, she doesn't want them (because then her hair clips won't show). It's fair. Even though it's not equal. |