If your In Laws were awful, did you forgive them?

[Anonymous]

And.. what did that look like?

My husband really wants me to forgive his mother for treating me less than kind. I’m wondering the best way to approach that. She hasn’t apologized.

[Anonymous]

Why would you if nothing has ? Your husband is trying to make life easy for himself at your expense.

Are you an adult?

[Anonymous]

For me forgiveness was not for them but for myself. Forgiveness for me was letting go but not forgetting. I didn't go back to having a relationship with the in-laws but it means I can be around them a few times a year. I don't put any effort into the relationship. I am superficial with them. However visits are cordial and pleasant. This was after MIL not being nice for a few years, not just a once off insult.

I think without an apology I wouldn't be running into having a relationship with her. Your husband simply wants life to be easier for him. Also she is probably harassing him to get you to get over it. That's what happened with me. MIL was in the background saying I was holding a grudge and should just get over it. Yeah no.

I think it depends on the circumstances, if its a once off that's completely different to ongoing unkindness.

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness is for regaining your own peace of mind and heart, not for her. You don’t need her apology to proceed. Here’s a good explanation:
https://stanfordmag.org/contents/8-tips-for-forgiving-someone-who-hurt-you

[Anonymous]

My MIL is, in my husbands words, “a piece of work” and in my works, heinous. It started when we got engaged and her base personality is just very difficult so I knew I would never get an apology or like her, and I went with the tactic of superficial relationship mentioned by the other PP. The issue is that she’s also insecure so she wants me to like her and be very effusive and gets offended that I’m not. This led to another blow up over thanksgiving (despite me hosting and cooking for her) and I’m just done forever now as nothing I do will satisfy her and I’m not a good enough actor to be more than superficially polite.

I’m sorry your husband is pushing you on this- he needs to accept that you have your own feelings. I don’t think you owe her forgiveness but I think you should give being superficial a try. I hope it works out better for you than me as continued strain is very difficult to deal with.

[Anonymous]

You can’t even attempt forgiveness without an apology.

[Anonymous]

I would not forgive but if the issue is not ongoing (meaning she is no longer doing this or other hurtful things) I would try to drop it or forget about it in terms of our day to day lives.

My MIL was awful to me when I had my baby. I don’t know what the deal was but she made fun of me, got angry with me over tiny things, made unreasonable demand on me when I was immediately postpartum, and done other very hurtful things. It was especially hurtful because it was a hard time fir me anyway and she was not only not supportive but became a major source of stress.

She’s never apologized but her behavior did stop eventually. I will never be close to her and I feel that she showed me something important about her personality, and her true feelings about me, during that time. But when I see her now I barely think of it, and I can be perfectly cordial. I was even quite kind to her when my FIL died. It can be hard at first, but being the bigger person really does feel good sometimes. It can feel powerful, like “I know you’re horrid but I choose not to be bothered by it.”

[Anonymous]

Yes, but it took years and their behavior genuinely changed and they expressed regret.

[Anonymous]

It takes a bit of time. You have to grow to not care about it any more. Being far away and not seeing them often obviously helps. My DH stood up to my MIL early on and told her what she was doing wrong and how we didn't like it and how she needed to stop. She largely did so.

[Anonymous]

I can’t forgive someone whose behavior continues. Perhaps if they had stopped or changed I could let it go without an apology, but when the behavior is ongoing, I don’t see anything to forgive.

[Anonymous]

Mine are worse to DH than to me, but I have learned to accept who they are and not expect them to be different. Since becoming a parent, I better understand how hard it is to raise kids. My DH is a decent man, so they did something right!

[Anonymous]

What does your husband think “forgiveness” looks like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t even attempt forgiveness without an apology.

I did. My mil was horrible to me when my son was young. And kind of nasty to him. But over time I realized she had been hiding how much she had to do to take care of her husband (my FIL). She just took it out on me, likely because I am not her child. I do not look fondly on those days, but I do forgive her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not forgive but if the issue is not ongoing (meaning she is no longer doing this or other hurtful things) I would try to drop it or forget about it in terms of our day to day lives.

My MIL was awful to me when I had my baby. I don’t know what the deal was but she made fun of me, got angry with me over tiny things, made unreasonable demand on me when I was immediately postpartum, and done other very hurtful things. It was especially hurtful because it was a hard time fir me anyway and she was not only not supportive but became a major source of stress.

She’s never apologized but her behavior did stop eventually. I will never be close to her and I feel that she showed me something important about her personality, and her true feelings about me, during that time. But when I see her now I barely think of it, and I can be perfectly cordial. I was even quite kind to her when my FIL died. It can be hard at first, but being the bigger person really does feel good sometimes. It can feel powerful, like “I know you’re horrid but I choose not to be bothered by it.”

Interesting- I got along fine with both in-laws before kids but my MIL was a nightmare for a while when my oldest was born (first grandchild). I think she was devastated that her expectations for being a grandmother were so far from reality- mostly because of her own health and limitations but why not blame the DIL instead! Really inappropriate stuff that would make your jaw drop. I knew she had some mental health issues before that but I guess I’d never really disagreed with her about something important so I had never gotten the full force of what that could look like. My husband was included in some of the nastiness and really really hurt. Our relationship has never recovered and is a shadow of what it was before. MIL doesn’t ever apologize to anyone for anything so neither of us really spent time trying to pursue that. I think we basically had to adjust the terms of how she is included in our life and unfortunately my FIL is collateral damage there, who’s very sad for my husband. But she is a generally a nice and interested grandmother so we do some short visits, photos etc.

[Anonymous]

I didn't. And my DH stood by me because they had also been horrible to him since he was a kid. We eventually cut them off completely. Not saying it has to go that route, OP, but you have a husband problem more than an IL problem if your DH is taking his mom's side.