How do I teach my teen to value herself?

[Anonymous]

My high schooler hangs out with 2 girls close to her age ( both older) by virtue of families being friends. We moms are close friends and formed a bond over the last few years. The issue is that the 2 girls, constantly undermine her. One in particular is very mean. It hurts her deeply but she lets it slide. I’ve gently brought up the topic about how she should not let them put her down. They exclude her from conversations, when they are together, make overt remarks that she is sloppy. This isn’t something the mothers are aware neither do I want to discuss it with them. My dd suffers from low self esteem and body image, that adds to this issue. I had her in therApy last year but it barely made a dent. What are some resources I can use to gently guide her to value herself more. How do I convince her that she deserves to be respected and treated well?

[Anonymous]

An activity outside of this triad where others will value her and be a better mirror for her self esteem:
-volunteer work with direct connection to people that matters is a great start;
-an extracurricular that is with a group unrelated to people she already knows or that is an individual activity the others do not do.

[Anonymous]

I would never hang out with a mom whose daughter is being a little witch to my daughter.

[Anonymous]

You call the mothers and tell them the dynamic, and explain that even though high schoolers might be expected to defend themselves, in this situation your daughter needs a little help.

You role-play with your daughter how she would respond to a mean comment. Multiple times. Practice makes perfect.

Anything else is a waste of time, OP. She needs practical help now, since you make it sound as if she has no other friends and leaving that group is not possible (which it is).

As for feeling good about herself, sorry, that might not happen for another 10 years. BTDT. Many, many teens don't feel comfortable with their own selves, and I'd say this is a very typical part of being a teen. What matters is that she doesn't get too depressed over it, and that people don't bully her.

[Anonymous]

"Larla, honey, I've realized that Darla and Carla are exclusionary and rude to you. You deserve better, so let's not hang out with them."

[Anonymous]

She needs other friends.

[Anonymous]

This is a damaging dynamic for your daughter and you are subconsciously signaling to her that your adult close friendships take priority over her well-being. Put your daughter first. Tell her over and over again that this is a shitty situation she does not deserve, and create space and distance for her AWAY from these people that are harming her.

It does not have to be a confrontation or blow-up. Show her via your actions that she is most important. Do not force her to engage with these girls. Explore other outlets. Continue therapy WHILE acting to protect your daughter from abusive people (therapy will not put a dent while she is being made to engage with her abusers).

[Anonymous]

*Show* her she is valued by protecting her from these people. Do not make her engage w them.

[Anonymous]

She has learned to be spineless from you…. You are asking her to stick up for herself with her friends, when you won’t de gage in a conversation with yours. She learned the behavior somewhere and she is mirroring it.

[Anonymous]

Work on her sloppiness and body image?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*Show* her she is valued by protecting her from these people. Do not make her engage w them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has learned to be spineless from you…. You are asking her to stick up for herself with her friends, when you won’t de gage in a conversation with yours. She learned the behavior somewhere and she is mirroring it.

^There may be some truth to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a damaging dynamic for your daughter and you are subconsciously signaling to her that your adult close friendships take priority over her well-being. Put your daughter first. Tell her over and over again that this is a shitty situation she does not deserve, and create space and distance for her AWAY from these people that are harming her.

It does not have to be a confrontation or blow-up. Show her via your actions that she is most important. Do not force her to engage with these girls. Explore other outlets. Continue therapy WHILE acting to protect your daughter from abusive people (therapy will not put a dent while she is being made to engage with her abusers).

Here’s the thing though. I got to know these tidbits from the little conversations where she let this slide. Otherwise she is the typical tight lipped teenager who just clams up. She doesn’t want me intervening or commenting on anything. As crazy as it sounds she is even protective about these 2 girls. I risk the possibility of her not sharing anything with me, if I thrust my opinions on her. My goal is to get her to have better self esteem so she feels valued enough to stand up for herself.

[Anonymous]

Why does she hang out with these kids?
You can continue your mom friendship without having the kids hang out.

[Anonymous]

Here’s the thing though. I got to know these tidbits from the little conversations where she let this slide. Otherwise she is the typical tight lipped teenager who just clams up. She doesn’t want me intervening or commenting on anything. As crazy as it sounds she is even protective about these 2 girls. I risk the possibility of her not sharing anything with me, if I thrust my opinions on her. My goal is to get her to have better self esteem so she feels valued enough to stand up for herself.

Your responsibility is to your daughter… no matter how you learned the information. The relationships with these girls are unhealthy for her. Read books on relational aggression. Keeping her in a cycle with these girls can damage her self-esteem long term. You know it’s not healthy, you’re her mother, you can help her extract from this without a blow-up or declaration to her or them. Slow fade. Explore other hobbies and help her meet new people that don’t treat her like shit and she will start to have self-esteem.