Dreading Christmas already

[Anonymous]

Yeah-I know-it's ridiculous. Here it is November 28th and for various reasons I'm already dreading Christmas with my family. I like going to my in-laws and honestly really wish we were spending the holidays with them instead of my own family but we did Thanksgiving with them so we are spending Christmas with my family. I love my family but feel like a loser when I'm with them even though objectively I'm doing okay (a decent job, a good husband, nice kids). My sister and her husband have a lot more money than my DH and I and my parents' have always favored her and are impressed by her lifestyle. Her kids go to private school, they go on lavish vacations, etc. Since her house is much bigger than ours we always have holidays at their place. I have been in her shadow and have been negatively compared to her my whole life. But still...they're my family and as much as I don't like them I still love them so it hurts. I need to be an adult and suck it up and go (it's important to me that my kids spend time with their cousins, my parents are in their 70's, etc) but boy I don't want to. Just venting and looking for some suggestions. Unfortunately drinking in these situations makes it worse (I get weepy and depressed) so I can't use alcohol as a crutch.

[Anonymous]

I think internally you are envious of your sibling. Stop comparing yourself to here and most of this will go away.

[Anonymous]

Your parents are still fairly young in their 70’s. Just stay home for Christmas and let your kids have Christmas in their own home. They should be able to wake up in their own home and find presents under their own tree on Christmas Day. You can invite your parents to come over, but I wouldn’t count on them accepting. Invite the cousins over to your house after Christmas. Don’t let your parent’s and sister’s plans always dominate what you want for your own family.

Being an adult doesn’t mean sucking it up and accommodating your parents and sibling at the expense of your kids. It means standing up and doing right by your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are still fairly young in their 70’s. Just stay home for Christmas and let your kids have Christmas in their own home. They should be able to wake up in their own home and find presents under their own tree on Christmas Day. You can invite your parents to come over, but I wouldn’t count on them accepting. Invite the cousins over to your house after Christmas. Don’t let your parent’s and sister’s plans always dominate what you want for your own family.

Being an adult doesn’t mean sucking it up and accommodating your parents and sibling at the expense of your kids. It means standing up and doing right by your own kids.

She doesn't say anything about her kids being negatively affected. She does sound like 1) she has anxiety about her sister being the favorite child and 2) envious of her sister's lifestyle. If OP is happy with her own life, she should try to come to grips with her own life choices and be happy that they don't have to squeeze into a relative's tiny house for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are still fairly young in their 70’s. Just stay home for Christmas and let your kids have Christmas in their own home. They should be able to wake up in their own home and find presents under their own tree on Christmas Day. You can invite your parents to come over, but I wouldn’t count on them accepting. Invite the cousins over to your house after Christmas. Don’t let your parent’s and sister’s plans always dominate what you want for your own family.

Being an adult doesn’t mean sucking it up and accommodating your parents and sibling at the expense of your kids. It means standing up and doing right by your own kids.

She doesn't say anything about her kids being negatively affected. She does sound like 1) she has anxiety about her sister being the favorite child and 2) envious of her sister's lifestyle. If OP is happy with her own life, she should try to come to grips with her own life choices and be happy that they don't have to squeeze into a relative's tiny house for Christmas.

This is the OP. Yeah #1 and #2 are true. And my kids are not negatively impacted. Christmas morning will be spent in our house. We will go to my sister's in the afternoon.

Honestly I'm not happy with some of my life choices. If I could do it again I would pursue a different career path. But I am not going to go back to school as the priority is saving for the kids' educations and it's just not feasible for various reasons. I am in my late 40's and wish I had made different choices re: career when I was a young, childless woman. I wasted a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are still fairly young in their 70’s. Just stay home for Christmas and let your kids have Christmas in their own home. They should be able to wake up in their own home and find presents under their own tree on Christmas Day. You can invite your parents to come over, but I wouldn’t count on them accepting. Invite the cousins over to your house after Christmas. Don’t let your parent’s and sister’s plans always dominate what you want for your own family.

Being an adult doesn’t mean sucking it up and accommodating your parents and sibling at the expense of your kids. It means standing up and doing right by your own kids.

Don’t disagree about the kids getting to have Christmas at home, but 70s is not “fairly young,” especially for a man. The way people keep moving the goalposts about old age is really strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are still fairly young in their 70’s. Just stay home for Christmas and let your kids have Christmas in their own home. They should be able to wake up in their own home and find presents under their own tree on Christmas Day. You can invite your parents to come over, but I wouldn’t count on them accepting. Invite the cousins over to your house after Christmas. Don’t let your parent’s and sister’s plans always dominate what you want for your own family.

Being an adult doesn’t mean sucking it up and accommodating your parents and sibling at the expense of your kids. It means standing up and doing right by your own kids.

She doesn't say anything about her kids being negatively affected. She does sound like 1) she has anxiety about her sister being the favorite child and 2) envious of her sister's lifestyle. If OP is happy with her own life, she should try to come to grips with her own life choices and be happy that they don't have to squeeze into a relative's tiny house for Christmas.

This is the OP. Yeah #1 and #2 are true. And my kids are not negatively impacted. Christmas morning will be spent in our house. We will go to my sister's in the afternoon.

Honestly I'm not happy with some of my life choices. If I could do it again I would pursue a different career path. But I am not going to go back to school as the priority is saving for the kids' educations and it's just not feasible for various reasons. I am in my late 40's and wish I had made different choices re: career when I was a young, childless woman. I wasted a lot of time.

Is your sister local or do you have to travel?

Do you like your sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are still fairly young in their 70’s. Just stay home for Christmas and let your kids have Christmas in their own home. They should be able to wake up in their own home and find presents under their own tree on Christmas Day. You can invite your parents to come over, but I wouldn’t count on them accepting. Invite the cousins over to your house after Christmas. Don’t let your parent’s and sister’s plans always dominate what you want for your own family.

Being an adult doesn’t mean sucking it up and accommodating your parents and sibling at the expense of your kids. It means standing up and doing right by your own kids.

Don’t disagree about the kids getting to have Christmas at home, but 70s is not “fairly young,” especially for a man. The way people keep moving the goalposts about old age is really strange.

I used to think 70s was fairly young too. My grandparents lived into their 90s. So my perspective was that 70s was young. But now that my in laws and parents are actually in their 70s and have all kinds of physical health issues, cognitive decline, mobility issues, etc I feel much differently. OP: Go and spend time w your family and try to enjoy their company. Stop being so hard on yourself. You listed many things about yourself to be proud of. So what if your sister has more $ that doesn’t mean she’s better than you. Your parents shouldn’t favor her. But you need to have more faith and pride in yourself and let your happiness w the good things in your life show rather than focusing on any bitterness or regret, which is not healthy for you and not good for your kids to see/absorb either.

[Anonymous]

How far does your sister live? Can you go for Xmas Eve only? Staying home for Christmas is special. It sounds like you have sacrificed that every year, and I encourage you to gather your courage and tell your family that you really want to spend Christmas at home. If they take it personally that’s their problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. My brother and especially SIL are way more successful than I am and though they never make me feel less than, I am super self conscious around them. My kid also doesn’t quite compare to theirs in many situations or so it seems to me…

[Anonymous]

We have some of this in our family...one family member is objectively doing great-- big house, a lot of money, kids being accepted to amazing colleges, etc.

I sometimes get focused on superficial things too-- but recently had a terrible health scare. It changed things for me. Even though I haven't always made perfect choices toward objective success, I realize how much I love my life.

OP, if your parents are making the comparisons, ask them gently to stop. If your sister is making the comparison, visit at a time other than Christmas-- you deserve a happy, peaceful Christmas. If you're making the comparison, think about why that is--maybe you need a more fulfilling job, better hobbies, work on your relationships, or just more appreciation for what you have.

[Anonymous]

Please answer how far away you have to travel. If only a few hours, go for the day only. Much more manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are still fairly young in their 70’s. Just stay home for Christmas and let your kids have Christmas in their own home. They should be able to wake up in their own home and find presents under their own tree on Christmas Day. You can invite your parents to come over, but I wouldn’t count on them accepting. Invite the cousins over to your house after Christmas. Don’t let your parent’s and sister’s plans always dominate what you want for your own family.

Being an adult doesn’t mean sucking it up and accommodating your parents and sibling at the expense of your kids. It means standing up and doing right by your own kids.

Don’t disagree about the kids getting to have Christmas at home, but 70s is not “fairly young,” especially for a man. The way people keep moving the goalposts about old age is really strange.

Right? I had to scroll back to make sure I'd read that correctly. What a strange comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are still fairly young in their 70’s. Just stay home for Christmas and let your kids have Christmas in their own home. They should be able to wake up in their own home and find presents under their own tree on Christmas Day. You can invite your parents to come over, but I wouldn’t count on them accepting. Invite the cousins over to your house after Christmas. Don’t let your parent’s and sister’s plans always dominate what you want for your own family.

Being an adult doesn’t mean sucking it up and accommodating your parents and sibling at the expense of your kids. It means standing up and doing right by your own kids.

She doesn't say anything about her kids being negatively affected. She does sound like 1) she has anxiety about her sister being the favorite child and 2) envious of her sister's lifestyle. If OP is happy with her own life, she should try to come to grips with her own life choices and be happy that they don't have to squeeze into a relative's tiny house for Christmas.

This is the OP. Yeah #1 and #2 are true. And my kids are not negatively impacted. Christmas morning will be spent in our house. We will go to my sister's in the afternoon.

Honestly I'm not happy with some of my life choices. If I could do it again I would pursue a different career path. But I am not going to go back to school as the priority is saving for the kids' educations and it's just not feasible for various reasons. I am in my late 40's and wish I had made different choices re: career when I was a young, childless woman. I wasted a lot of time.

You could have pursued a different career path and still not made as much as sister and BIL. A lot of careers involve hard work but also an element of luck. Don’t dwell on the “what ifs” of the past too much.

What are some examples of the negative comparisons that your parents make? Is any of it just a feeling that you have, or do they make specific comments?

[Anonymous]

Christmas being spent with anxiety, regret, and envy seems like a sad way to observe a holiday, let alone your life. It does impact your children, OP. Hopefully you can manage your expectations some.