Is your partner your best friend?

[Anonymous]

Newly divorced and dating in my 40s. My ex was not my best friend or even someone I relied on for emotional support. I’m dating now and am trying to figure out what my goal for a relationship should be. Is it realistic to think my partner would feel like a best friend? (I have about five best female friends…I’m not looking for him to be my only best friend). If you are that comfortable with a partner, do they also inspire you? I guess I have always had this latent belief that the person you are with should be someone that you find inspiring or that you really admire. The thing is…I really admire my ex. He was brilliant and I’m so proud of how successful he was professionally. But, he was a terrible and unsupportive partner with whom I could discuss topics of interest, but never emotions. I’m dating someone now that I feel utterly comfortable with, who shares my sense of humor, who supports me in a way I have never been supported…but I don’t find him exceptionally inspirational. We laugh all the time, we can talk about anything, the sex is amazing, and I think he is adorable. Should I be concerned that there is no sense of deep admiration for his intellect, his curiosity, or his drive? He is a person that makes me feel deeply happy and myself. I’m a confused person, clearly. Thoughts? What attributes have others in successful long term relationships found to be most important?

[Anonymous]

Yes he’s my best friend, I am his.

There’s nothing uniquely spectacular about either of us. We are good, average people, who make each other better people. We laugh constantly and support each other 100%. There’s no cold shoulder, mean words, we even fight (differ of opinions) respectfully without being demeaning or yelling.

[Anonymous]

Yes. We have been best friends since we were in high school.

[Anonymous]

Yes. He 100% is my best friend. Met at 26- together 25 years.

[Anonymous]

Nope.

[Anonymous]

No, my siblings are, as is my childhood best friend. I met my husband in my mid twenties after several serious relationships in high school and college. I feel like while we had/have a lot in common, we didn’t have any transformative experiences together that left lasting impressions the same way I did with my other best friends, who I’ve basically known my whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, my siblings are, as is my childhood best friend. I met my husband in my mid twenties after several serious relationships in high school and college. I feel like while we had/have a lot in common, we didn’t have any transformative experiences together that left lasting impressions the same way I did with my other best friends, who I’ve basically known my whole life.

I’d your spouse isn’t your best friend, I’m not sure that you’re on the right track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Newly divorced and dating in my 40s. My ex was not my best friend or even someone I relied on for emotional support. I’m dating now and am trying to figure out what my goal for a relationship should be. Is it realistic to think my partner would feel like a best friend? (I have about five best female friends…I’m not looking for him to be my only best friend). If you are that comfortable with a partner, do they also inspire you? I guess I have always had this latent belief that the person you are with should be someone that you find inspiring or that you really admire. The thing is…I really admire my ex. He was brilliant and I’m so proud of how successful he was professionally. But, he was a terrible and unsupportive partner with whom I could discuss topics of interest, but never emotions. I’m dating someone now that I feel utterly comfortable with, who shares my sense of humor, who supports me in a way I have never been supported…but I don’t find him exceptionally inspirational. We laugh all the time, we can talk about anything, the sex is amazing, and I think he is adorable. Should I be concerned that there is no sense of deep admiration for his intellect, his curiosity, or his drive? He is a person that makes me feel deeply happy and myself. I’m a confused person, clearly. Thoughts? What attributes have others in successful long term relationships found to be most important?

Admiration can be cultivated.

My xH was admirable in regards to his intellect and drive. Very successful professionally, but like yours, a total dud emotionally.

Current H is also intelligent, but not nearly as driven or successful. But, I have found so many other things to admire, you just have to look for them. I make a conscious effort to notice all the little things, appreciate them, and let him know how much I admire those things about him.

[Anonymous]

Being “inspired” by my partner sounds exhausting. I’m entertained, supported, amused, turned on, interested, etc. etc. by him. But I’d hate to live with someone I was in awe of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, my siblings are, as is my childhood best friend. I met my husband in my mid twenties after several serious relationships in high school and college. I feel like while we had/have a lot in common, we didn’t have any transformative experiences together that left lasting impressions the same way I did with my other best friends, who I’ve basically known my whole life.

I’ve been with my husband 26-years. We traveled around Europe for a year. We grew up, had kids, watched parents die, had children, became parents watched them flee the nest. Seen me at my absolute lowest. I have a very close childhood friend from 4-years old, but my husband is definitely my bestie. I’m fortunate he got to know my parents so well too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, my siblings are, as is my childhood best friend. I met my husband in my mid twenties after several serious relationships in high school and college. I feel like while we had/have a lot in common, we didn’t have any transformative experiences together that left lasting impressions the same way I did with my other best friends, who I’ve basically known my whole life.

I’d your spouse isn’t your best friend, I’m not sure that you’re on the right track.

It would be nice, and is certainly ideal, but I’m not sure it’s a realistic standard to strive for in a relationship. By default, my spouse is a best friend because of the life we have together, but no one person will meet all of your needs. I get different stimulation from different relationships/friendships. Also think it’s difficult to know, at time of marriage, if your spouse will become and/or remain your best friend- my best friendships have been cultivated over decades. You take a leap of faith when you get married, and the ones that truly flourish are due to at least partially chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being “inspired” by my partner sounds exhausting. I’m entertained, supported, amused, turned on, interested, etc. etc. by him. But I’d hate to live with someone I was in awe of.

Agree to all of the above!

I'm inspired by his kindness, his generosity of spirit and his compassion. I'm not interested in being inspired by intellect. My DH is smart as hell and I'm impressed on the daily but he isn't a figure to look up to for me b.c we are equals.

I chose the emotional supportive guy. Your first marriage didn't work out. Maybe it's time for a change

[Anonymous]

Yes we are to each other

[Anonymous]

It’s not uncommon for super smart and inspiring people to be terrible partners. Marry and equal, emotionally available human.

[Anonymous]

Yes we are best friends. I feel so lucky that we met in college. It’s cheesy as hell, but have always felt like he’s my soul mate and I think he feels the same. We have arguments like any couple, but we respect and love each other so much that it doesn’t last long and there no resentment. We tell each other almost everything. I have a lot of good female friends, so I’m not reliant on him for my emotional need of friendship, but I’m lucky to have my husband be my blister friend too.