Always the supporting player with my sister

[Anonymous]

I am curious how certain people seem to engender tons of goodwill and attention. Because this is my sister, who seems to have commanded more than her fair share of adoration ever since I can remember.
My sister is one year younger than me -- Irish twins. This means we practically went all through school together, and I bore witness to her social ascension while I felt like the shy, forgettable wallflower.
On her birthday, her locker was decorated and people made announcements over the PA.
In high school and college, surprise parties were thrown.
Now, as adults, she's the friend you see pop on your Instagram stories with about 50 different people "celebrating" her big day.

I'm using birthdays as an example, but it's everything: The boys who basically fought each other to take her to Prom. The husband who now fawns over her. She's just somehow extremely "celebrated" in her personal life. And, I guess what makes me really chagrined, is that she's not that great a person. It pains me to say this. She doesn't really go out of her way for others. She loves to be the center of attention, but it's me-me-me.
Even my mother, who tries to treat us equally, says my sister "lives in her own little world." Which seems to work just perfectly. Why do people go out of their way to adore her?

I'm just tired of it. I try to be a good friend. I look out for others. I am a volunteer in my community. I work hard. I try to be generous out of the kindness of my heart.

But you know what? Yesterday was my 30th birthday, and three people remembered: My mother, my husband, and my college roommate. I just feel raw and vulnerable and crappy. My sister, the one who gets a carnival thrown in her honor every time she farts, forgot.

I know it seems like I am channeling my anger onto my sister -- and maybe I am. It's just hard to be so close (and close in age) with someone who seems to get her bread buttered by batting her eyes. I'd love this, too!
How can I get a little love thrown my way? How do certain people seem to command emotional parades?

[Anonymous]

Is she pretty? Funny? A good conversationalist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she pretty? Funny? A good conversationalist?

She's generically pretty, I guess. So am I. I think we're both "nice" looking -- but I don't go around feeling like she's a knockout (I am not either!) We're similar in looks.

[Anonymous]

Charisma. It can be learned.

If she’s self-centered, she may be a narcissist. I worked with what I call a “positive narcissist.” She was not as evil like some narcissists, but she was self-centered and excellent at rallying people around her. My boss and I would be mystified as to why people fawned over her. She took credit for my work. I was friends with jern#2, who told me she was always the #2 to a #1. It worked for them.

[Anonymous]

I would say she is pretty and is probably extroverted, not shy at all. My sister is extroverted and always seems to have people responding to her. As the quieter, shyer type people find me boring and so I am easily forgotten.

My sister is also selfish and obnoxious. Our relationship became strained as my sister did the same as yours and forgot me but expected me to fawn over her. I let the relationship fade away somewhat and concentrated on my own life. I am happier as a result.

People in life want the fun person around them. I am sometimes horrified at the cruel nasty things people say and other people are applauding them because they are lively and fun. Sometimes its better to find your own group of people that may be smaller but are kinder and life in general is just easier.

[Anonymous]

You need to not compare yourself to your sister. It will never stop making you feel bad. So just don't do it. You need to be grateful for what you have - three people who love you and remembered you on your birthday. That's three more people than some people have; ask me how I know.

Happy Birthday, OP. You're a wonderful writer. " My sister, the one who gets a carnival thrown in her honor every time she farts, forgot."

[Anonymous]

PS:

For the birthdays, you have to be a big girl and make your own celebrations. I threw my own parties (yep, more than one). I held small gatherings due to Covid. They were so much fun! My sister wasn’t invited to any of them. She’s an attention-seeking energy vampire.

Love your life. Be happy. Phase out your sister or go low contact.

My sister, when I celebrated my birthday with my parents and sister’s family, brought her new puppy to my gathering and then said she hoped I didn’t mind. Another time, she brought decorations for her daughter’s graduation to make my party also a graduation party for her daughter. She just showed up with a graduation cake, napkins, etc. She learned this from my mother, who arranged a baby shower for me that was all desserts when I wasn’t able to eat sugar for medical reasons. I ignored all this behavior, yet I have not forgotten.

For all you know, your sister is reminding people about her birthday with passive aggressive comments. Maybe that’s how so many remember. You probably aren’t dropping annoying hints like, “I’m sooooo excited about my birthday tomorrow!” She might be dropping hints left and right.

The social media likes are not as big a deal as you think. A person can get into engagement pods and get likes easily enough. I get a lot of likes on most FB posts only bc I know how to write a post that interests my connections. It’s about them and not me. This can also be learned. I’m not special due to this and neither is your sister.

[Anonymous]

You know how they said something like "you get what you give in life"? Well, they lied.

You get what you demand. Your sister demands more from everybody than you do so she gets more. I can guarantee you that she reminds people of her birthday(through social media, in conversation or otherwise). She picked a guy who adored her whle others settled for good enough guys.

The trick is finding subtle/nice ways to demanding what you want/need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS:

For the birthdays, you have to be a big girl and make your own celebrations. I threw my own parties (yep, more than one). I held small gatherings due to Covid. They were so much fun! My sister wasn’t invited to any of them. She’s an attention-seeking energy vampire.

Love your life. Be happy. Phase out your sister or go low contact.

My sister, when I celebrated my birthday with my parents and sister’s family, brought her new puppy to my gathering and then said she hoped I didn’t mind. Another time, she brought decorations for her daughter’s graduation to make my party also a graduation party for her daughter. She just showed up with a graduation cake, napkins, etc. She learned this from my mother, who arranged a baby shower for me that was all desserts when I wasn’t able to eat sugar for medical reasons. I ignored all this behavior, yet I have not forgotten.

For all you know, your sister is reminding people about her birthday with passive aggressive comments. Maybe that’s how so many remember. You probably aren’t dropping annoying hints like, “I’m sooooo excited about my birthday tomorrow!” She might be dropping hints left and right.

The social media likes are not as big a deal as you think. A person can get into engagement pods and get likes easily enough. I get a lot of likes on most FB posts only bc I know how to write a post that interests my connections. It’s about them and not me. This can also be learned. I’m not special due to this and neither is your sister.

Why would she do the bolded? She would encounter many people like this. Will she fade them all out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS:

For the birthdays, you have to be a big girl and make your own celebrations. I threw my own parties (yep, more than one). I held small gatherings due to Covid. They were so much fun! My sister wasn’t invited to any of them. She’s an attention-seeking energy vampire.

Love your life. Be happy. Phase out your sister or go low contact.

My sister, when I celebrated my birthday with my parents and sister’s family, brought her new puppy to my gathering and then said she hoped I didn’t mind. Another time, she brought decorations for her daughter’s graduation to make my party also a graduation party for her daughter. She just showed up with a graduation cake, napkins, etc. She learned this from my mother, who arranged a baby shower for me that was all desserts when I wasn’t able to eat sugar for medical reasons. I ignored all this behavior, yet I have not forgotten.

For all you know, your sister is reminding people about her birthday with passive aggressive comments. Maybe that’s how so many remember. You probably aren’t dropping annoying hints like, “I’m sooooo excited about my birthday tomorrow!” She might be dropping hints left and right.

The social media likes are not as big a deal as you think. A person can get into engagement pods and get likes easily enough. I get a lot of likes on most FB posts only bc I know how to write a post that interests my connections. It’s about them and not me. This can also be learned. I’m not special due to this and neither is your sister.

Why would she do the bolded? She would encounter many people like this. Will she fade them all out?

OP probably has been jealous of her sister ever since she was born — i.e., sibling rivalry. Maybe her parents never handled that well. Anyone else doesn’t have that history with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, as adults, you really need to separate your life from your sister’s or you’ll always feel like you’re in her shadow. You can’t change her, but since it bothers you so much, MOVE far, far away, so you only can interact with her once or twice a year. Then you can make your own life. The world is a big place and there’s plenty enough room for the two of you to both shine at the same time.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you need to distance yourself from her so that you can stop the comparisons.

As to why everyone seems to adore her, I had a friend who was the most self-absorbed person I had ever met. A mutual friend was pining with love for her. When I asked him why, he said that her massive self-regard was the reason he loved her.

I don't understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as adults, you really need to separate your life from your sister’s or you’ll always feel like you’re in her shadow. You can’t change her, but since it bothers you so much, MOVE far, far away, so you only can interact with her once or twice a year. Then you can make your own life. The world is a big place and there’s plenty enough room for the two of you to both shine at the same time.

This. You have to have a life that is not directly comparable. I have a different career in a different city with wonderful friends from that career and different schools, different marks of value. If we were in the same town it would be hard not to have direct comparisons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS:

For the birthdays, you have to be a big girl and make your own celebrations. I threw my own parties (yep, more than one). I held small gatherings due to Covid. They were so much fun! My sister wasn’t invited to any of them. She’s an attention-seeking energy vampire.

Love your life. Be happy. Phase out your sister or go low contact.

My sister, when I celebrated my birthday with my parents and sister’s family, brought her new puppy to my gathering and then said she hoped I didn’t mind. Another time, she brought decorations for her daughter’s graduation to make my party also a graduation party for her daughter. She just showed up with a graduation cake, napkins, etc. She learned this from my mother, who arranged a baby shower for me that was all desserts when I wasn’t able to eat sugar for medical reasons. I ignored all this behavior, yet I have not forgotten.

For all you know, your sister is reminding people about her birthday with passive aggressive comments. Maybe that’s how so many remember. You probably aren’t dropping annoying hints like, “I’m sooooo excited about my birthday tomorrow!” She might be dropping hints left and right.

The social media likes are not as big a deal as you think. A person can get into engagement pods and get likes easily enough. I get a lot of likes on most FB posts only bc I know how to write a post that interests my connections. It’s about them and not me. This can also be learned. I’m not special due to this and neither is your sister.

Why would she do the bolded? She would encounter many people like this. Will she fade them all out?

If she wants to, yes. There's nothing wrong with reducing contact, especially since the sister couldn't remember the other sister's birthday.