How do you know you're not straight

[Anonymous]

It sounds dumb but how do you know if you're bi/gay. What is the line?

Say someone found themselves more drawn to females ( out in public, watching TV, porn,) what is the difference between appreciating beauty and being attracted to someone?

What is that's always been your preference? And now things make sense...like plastering your wall with Bop photos of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jennifer love Hewitt instead of NSYNC.

How do you explore these feelings if you're not in a position to do so?

[Anonymous]

I think we are all on a spectrum. You can be mostly attracted to one sex but still be able to appreciate the other, maybe just not as strongly. As for how to explore, well I guess the only ethical way would be with the approval of your partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we are all on a spectrum. You can be mostly attracted to one sex but still be able to appreciate the other, maybe just not as strongly. As for how to explore, well I guess the only ethical way would be with the approval of your partner.

I wish I was. Being straight is a terrible burden, but I just am not sexually attracted to women. I think women are far more beautiful than men, but I could never have sex with a woman. I don't think I could even kiss one. I wish I could explore, but I don't think I could.

[Anonymous]

OP here

Thanks for these replies. I was worried I didn't word it right.

But yes ... the spectrum. I know this logically. I guess it makes me feel guilty sometimes, like I'm harboring some deep dark secret from my partner.

I absolutely used to think women are beautiful but I couldn't do all the things with another woman. But now I find myself more interested, more inclined to let myself think about those things. A la the dilemma but also could very well be hormones, a need to explore I never got in college/20s, a late life coming out, so many things that therapy is probably an answer for lol.

But I do wonder sometimes had I grown up in this current culture how much more confident I'd been in entertaining these feelings.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of women come out when they're older. I think it's one thing to mast$%^bate to women and another to actually be intimate with one--you find it's better left as a fantasy. I guess that's something you'll need to figure out.

[Anonymous]

PP here, meant to say you MAY find it's better left as a fantasy. Didn't meant to imply you WILL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t. Not every “feeling” has to be explored.

Agree with this. Especially if you have kids and can be moderately happy and not destroy lives. That is more important than feeling a chick/dude do whatever with/to you. Just use your imagination and you'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t. Not every “feeling” has to be explored.

Agree with this. Especially if you have kids and can be moderately happy and not destroy lives. That is more important than feeling a chick/dude do whatever with/to you. Just use your imagination and you'll be fine.

I agree with this too.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t go by porn. Guys in porn are gross. Porn is largely made for men (gay or straight).

[Anonymous]

Have you ever figured out where you stand on the Kinsey scale? It sort of helps put things into perspective a little; at least it did for me.

But sexuality is a continuum, it’s not balaclava and white. Have fun with it. As someone who’s been there, have fun with whatever you’re feeling right now.

[Anonymous]

I am a female and always appreciated the female form. I look at other women and can admire how beautiful many are. I’ve always been very close to my female friends. However, the thought of se/ with a woman does not appeal to me at all. Because of that I know I’m not gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a female and always appreciated the female form. I look at other women and can admire how beautiful many are. I’ve always been very close to my female friends. However, the thought of se/ with a woman does not appeal to me at all. Because of that I know I’m not gay.

I should add to this. I am interested in se/ with men…. I am married to a man. I still have very close intimate female friends.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why people have to make this a complicated subject. It really is not. The answer is very simple.

You are not straight if you want to have sex with someone of the same gender. That's all there is to it.

If you appreciate and admire someone of the same gender, but have no desire to have sex with that gender, you are not bi or gay.

Do you feel the hunger and desire to do the deed with someone of the same sex? No, a daring kiss isn't it, that's what silly teenagers do to pretend they're being cool. I mean actually getting down to the dirty deeds themselves. Do you have a hunger for sexual organs and exploring them? Are you aroused by them?

All this talk about spectrum is merely invented academia speak. You either want to have sex with someone of the same gender, or opposite gender, and for a very small number of people, both.

OP, I assume you are a woman. Go look at yourself in the mirror. Then picture yourself with another woman. In bed. Rolling around. Performing oral activities on each other. Kissing each other passionately. Hugging each other tightly. Being hot in desire and passion for the other woman because she's a woman.

If you cannot and the idea doesn't arouse you and fill you with desire, and is even perhaps rather repulsive, you are most definitely not bi or a lesbian. Don't worry. It's ok I'm reminded of an episode of SATC where Charlotte falls in with a crowd of power lesbian couples and is enchanted by their world and talks about wanting to be part of their circles, and one of them turns to her and effectively says if you don't munch carpet, you aren't one of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why people have to make this a complicated subject. It really is not. The answer is very simple.

You are not straight if you want to have sex with someone of the same gender. That's all there is to it.

If you appreciate and admire someone of the same gender, but have no desire to have sex with that gender, you are not bi or gay.

Do you feel the hunger and desire to do the deed with someone of the same sex? No, a daring kiss isn't it, that's what silly teenagers do to pretend they're being cool. I mean actually getting down to the dirty deeds themselves. Do you have a hunger for sexual organs and exploring them? Are you aroused by them?

All this talk about spectrum is merely invented academia speak. You either want to have sex with someone of the same gender, or opposite gender, and for a very small number of people, both.

OP, I assume you are a woman. Go look at yourself in the mirror. Then picture yourself with another woman. In bed. Rolling around. Performing oral activities on each other. Kissing each other passionately. Hugging each other tightly. Being hot in desire and passion for the other woman because she's a woman.

If you cannot and the idea doesn't arouse you and fill you with desire, and is even perhaps rather repulsive, you are most definitely not bi or a lesbian. Don't worry. It's ok I'm reminded of an episode of SATC where Charlotte falls in with a crowd of power lesbian couples and is enchanted by their world and talks about wanting to be part of their circles, and one of them turns to her and effectively says if you don't munch carpet, you aren't one of us.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t. Not every “feeling” has to be explored.

Agree with this. Especially if you have kids and can be moderately happy and not destroy lives. That is more important than feeling a chick/dude do whatever with/to you. Just use your imagination and you'll be fine.

I agree with this too.

NP and I agree as well. I had dated men and women pretty much equally when I met DH. Over the last 20 years, I've gotten more attracted to women and less attracted to men. Maybe it's wanting what you know you can't have? Maybe it's just a shift in my true sexuality? Who knows. But unless I become actually repulsed by se/ with men, I'm staying in the relationship I committed myself to and not blowing up my family and my kids' childhoods. We've talked about an open relationship (for my benefit primarily) and I may follow up on that when my kids are older. I'll be older too, but I don't need to make our marriage harder than it needs to be when we're still in the thick of parenting. For you, I'd leave well enough alone and not potentially turn the molehill into a mountain. Though be honest with your spouse if it feels dishonest to keep secrets.