Issues accepting choices of former SIL and what to do

[Anonymous]

2 brothers married me and SIL. I divorced brother 1, then a few years later SIL divorced brother 2.

So me and SIL are not actually related but occasionally get kids together and talk. My kids are older and entertain hers for a few hours when they come but aren't really close or anything. Brothers come from a highly dysfunctional family including abuse extremes like incest and each of our marriages were plagued with volatile abuse, aggression & assault.

The brothers mother was the worst, my kids stopped seeing her/any of the rest of that family when we were still married. We didnt see brother 2 and SIL much when I was still married, more after when she was leaving and wanted advice and support.

So flash forward and SIL knowing everything about this family still let's them around her children. This disturbs me so much and I care about her kids but they are starting to do things that are alarming and red flags never mind the danger they are in.

I also just can't reconcile staying involved with SIL. But she keeps asking. I'm unsure do I say the reason - uncomfortable with her parenting decisions (?), continue slow fading, idk. It's a long story but seems values are my biggest issue and I believe kids should be protected from abuse. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I think it's unlikely the grandmother is causing the kid's issues. It is more likely that the trauma and abuse if flowing down through the family, through the dad and the interactions between the dad and SIL.

By all means don't get together if it is harmful to your family, but SIL cutting out her kid's grandmother isn't going to change anything. They still have a dad who likely learned his parenting from his mom.

[Anonymous]

I’d see you ex SIL since you like her. Maybe the two of you on your own.

But out of her parenting and fostering a relationship with her exMil and ex husband.

How you handle your divorce is your business, her divorce is her business.

[Anonymous]

“This family” is still half of your kids’ family. You have some issues here too.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks.

Absolutely it runs through & from the dad too and maybe you're right that so long as they're seeing the dad it doesn't make that much difference.

Thanks for this - How you handle your divorce is your business, her divorce is her business. - it's helpful!! Appreciate being reminded of this will say this too myself often as it is emotional for me and I can feel a little judgemental about it sometimes but you're right.

To other pp my kids do not see their dad or anyone else in that family other than these little kids. This is after exhausting all options trying to have safe contact with dad, it wasn't possible and family court denied it. Kids also do not want contact, they are older.

[Anonymous]

Just curious:

Does SIL have full custody of her children? Do her children spend any time with their father? If they have joint custody, she really has no way to block the inlaws access to the children. Trying to block it would be a futile power struggle. Just something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Yes you say the reason
Absolutely
And you don't let her argue with you
You do not have to convince her of anything

And you cur her off (and unfortunately the kids too)
If she doesn't wake-up and make a full change

[Anonymous]

If her kids are younger than yours, how are they able to influence yours negatively? It would be better if you continued to see them (assuming they are not influencing yours negatively) so that you and your kids can be a positive influence to them. Put your ego and anger aside - I know it sucks that SIL didn’t follow your advice and path - for the sake of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If her kids are younger than yours, how are they able to influence yours negatively? It would be better if you continued to see them (assuming they are not influencing yours negatively) so that you and your kids can be a positive influence to them. Put your ego and anger aside - I know it sucks that SIL didn’t follow your advice and path - for the sake of the kids.

This is the hard part. It's not a negative influence per say but for ex. they might tell something that happened on the weekend (___ got SO MAD and then grabbed ____ and yelled and we were scared) and it is very familiar to my kids what that was like. Stories about hard spankings - this is difficult for my kids who were spanked abusively & out of blind rage. The alarming red flag behaviors are signs of trauma, anxiety, abuse that seem to remind my kids what they used to feel like or things they used to do that non-abused kids don't do. It seems hard for them (especially my oldest) to know these little kids are spending time with abusers and have relationships with the people that used to cause them terror.

Part of me does want to be there for the kids, they like us quite a lot and really like coming here. But then there's part of me that feels like I'm supporting the abuse by acting like it's just a normal part of things we talk about. The older the little kids get the more pronounced it becomes and it's hard for me too to see them go through it knowing the affect everything had on my own kids too. IDK just that recovery from all the trauma is hard and this connection seems it's gotten too close to home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you say the reason
Absolutely
And you don't let her argue with you
You do not have to convince her of anything

And you cur her off (and unfortunately the kids too)
If she doesn't wake-up and make a full change

This is sort of where it's at for me. Other kids we know have some rough situations but it's not the same. This is more close to home and feels like too much. And I start to feel entangled and leaving the marriage and recovery was already very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious:

Does SIL have full custody of her children? Do her children spend any time with their father? If they have joint custody, she really has no way to block the inlaws access to the children. Trying to block it would be a futile power struggle. Just something to think about.

It sounded to me like the kids spend time with their dad. If that's the case, the SIL can't really stop him from letting his family spend time with them. She can't control what he does with the kids when they are in his custody. And she can't stop them from spending time with their dad. It sounds like OP had to go to court to restrict access; not sure what those circumstances were. But the bar is pretty high to prevent a parent from taking his kids to spend time with grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins.

[Anonymous]

I would stay close to your former SIL for the sake of her kids. I had an abusive family and hanging out with a normal family helped me see what family relationships should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her kids are younger than yours, how are they able to influence yours negatively? It would be better if you continued to see them (assuming they are not influencing yours negatively) so that you and your kids can be a positive influence to them. Put your ego and anger aside - I know it sucks that SIL didn’t follow your advice and path - for the sake of the kids.

This is the hard part. It's not a negative influence per say but for ex. they might tell something that happened on the weekend (___ got SO MAD and then grabbed ____ and yelled and we were scared) and it is very familiar to my kids what that was like. Stories about hard spankings - this is difficult for my kids who were spanked abusively & out of blind rage. The alarming red flag behaviors are signs of trauma, anxiety, abuse that seem to remind my kids what they used to feel like or things they used to do that non-abused kids don't do. It seems hard for them (especially my oldest) to know these little kids are spending time with abusers and have relationships with the people that used to cause them terror.

Part of me does want to be there for the kids, they like us quite a lot and really like coming here. But then there's part of me that feels like I'm supporting the abuse by acting like it's just a normal part of things we talk about. The older the little kids get the more pronounced it becomes and it's hard for me too to see them go through it knowing the affect everything had on my own kids too. IDK just that recovery from all the trauma is hard and this connection seems it's gotten too close to home.

Did the kids actually share anything about abuse experienced by his family? I never shared those details of abuse with anyone my age until I was much older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stay close to your former SIL for the sake of her kids. I had an abusive family and hanging out with a normal family helped me see what family relationships should be.

P,us one