Toddler won't go back to sleep

[Anonymous]

I'm not necessarily looking for solutions, and merely writing about it into the ether helps me pass the time better than scrolling whatever, so:

My toddler, not for the first and probably not the last time, as she's done several times in the past week, woke up in the wee hours of the night and had been up since. Requests water, and won't take it when offered. Asks for potty after just going, planks when taken. Stays quiet for whole minutes at a time and I almost believe she's asleep, but then she'll pop up and say something cute but soooo frustrating. Pokes at me, makes random noises....

If I try to sleep she bounces on me. If I leave her room, she screams, and everyone else in the house (including her older sister) is liable to wake up. Her sister sleeps through it, amazingly, but husband doesn't. If we're over at family's house, then everyone wants to ask what's wrong.

And after a while of this, especially if she wakes me up in the wrong part of my sleep cycle, I feel like crap, and I can't control my emotions very well.

I suspect the phone screen doesn't help. But with it I at least I can sometimes commiserate via text with a friend who has similar problems, or do something other than wallow. But mostly all of this makes me want to beat my head against the wall or tear my hair out (why don't they have an emoji like that?).

That's all, really.

[Anonymous]

Is she cosleeping with you? If not, I’d walk her back to her bed each time she wakes up, say good night, and close the door. I have friends who have had to use baby gates to keep their kids in their rooms, but it’s temporary as they learn when they need to stay in their bed to sleep. Use a white noise machine in her room to help soothe for sleep and block noise if she’s loud (put one in your other kid’s room too). If you are cosleeping, I have no advice, as anybody I know who cosleeps has disrupted sleep like this all the time. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she cosleeping with you? If not, I’d walk her back to her bed each time she wakes up, say good night, and close the door. I have friends who have had to use baby gates to keep their kids in their rooms, but it’s temporary as they learn when they need to stay in their bed to sleep. Use a white noise machine in her room to help soothe for sleep and block noise if she’s loud (put one in your other kid’s room too). If you are cosleeping, I have no advice, as anybody I know who cosleeps has disrupted sleep like this all the time. Good luck.

OP it is unclear what your sleep set up is. Do she have her own room? If yes, this is what I do. My child always has a water bottle in his room. He can get water himself. My son has a high metabolism and especially during growth spurts will ask for a snack in the early morning hours. We believe in eating when you are hungry and since teenagers and adults do it, I see no reason why a toddler cant be hungry at 2am- even if they had a dinner and bedtime snack. Just look at the food forum and moms complaining about their teenagers eating all the leftovers at 2am in the morning. One of us stays up with him while he eats due to choking risk- he has to sit upright when having a snack. If she is not hungry you can say something like this.

I see that you are having trouble sleeping and you want someone to be up while you are up. I will stay with you in your room but mommy/daddy/etc are tired and we are going to rest my bodies so we can feel strong tomorrow. I will lay here while you read some books. If you need me I am here and will be here when you are ready to rest your body. The salt lamp is on low, I put the gate up, and have a few safe puzzles/wood games/non-swallowable toys available. 99% of the time he grabs two or three books and snuggles next to me. Within 20-30 minutes he is back to sleep. Sometimes if I sense he is really struggling I will ask him if he needs to share something with me or talk about something. Likely it was a really fun day or weve been together as a family for a week with daycare closed and he doesnt want to go back to school the next day or wants us to go with him. He might ask for extra snuggles/hugs while falling back asleep.

During certain brain bursts their little minds have trouble shutting back down. All people wake in the night but most of us turn or re-adjust and go back to sleep. If youve ever had a really stimulating day or waited tables and had waitressing nightmares then you can see why little kids also experience this. Ive woken up in the middle of the night and been like F%%^% did I forgot to get table 7 more ketchup?

You can set boundaries and still be available. Sometimes they just want our presence. Sometimes they need to express something that their minds are working through. During sleep, our brain processes the day and effectively we re-expereince and re-process the day.

[Anonymous]

I think you just need a plan and to stick with it. You have two problems: (1) how to handle sleep refusal and middle of the night wake ups, and (2) overall sleep habits and hygiene.

(1) Wake ups
I agree the phone screen is probably a problem and I have been there. I just disciplined myself to take a book in there and will read by lamp light. I think this is a much less activating activity for the toddler than a phone, while still also allowing you to distract yourself a little bit. Bonus is that reading makes me tired and sometimes I fall asleep while reading, and sometimes the power of suggestion helps her fall asleep too. But I only do this at bedtime -- no midnight sessions in her bed where I'm reading.

If I go in her room in the middle of the night because she wants mommy, I tell her clearly up front that I will lay down with her for a bit, but that it is sleeping time so I will be sleeping. If she won't let me sleep, I leave. Usually her desire to have me there forces her to still her body, and that's enough for her to fall asleep. If she will not be still, I go back to my bed and tell her that she can sleep or not, but she needs to stay quiet enough that others can sleep. I will sometimes suggest a quiet activity she can do in her bed -- hand her a few books she likes to "read" on her own, or suggest she play with her stuffed animals.

Regarding getting annoyed, you need to learn to recognize when you are getting frustrated or annoyed and just remove yourself from her presence. Again, I will just tell her it's nighttime and I need to sleep, so I'm going to bed. Stay calm, you can reassure that you love her, but assert your need. And then leave. There have been nights where I've gone back to bed but listened to a podcast on my headphones while playing a game on my phone because I'm frustrated and I need to calm down. That's not as good as sleeping, but it's better than losing my temper with my toddler. You can't make her sleep.

(2) Sleep hygiene.

Stay incredibly consistent. Keep bedtime routines simple, do it the same every night.

Find a lighting situation she can fall asleep with that does not cause more wake ups and requests. My DD cannot go to sleep in a pitch black room. She has a bedside light that has a lamp and nightlight mode. We put her to bed with the lamp on and she will usually fall asleep to that, then we switch to nightlight for the rest of the night. This keeps her from being scared when she wakes up, and gives her control over her lighting situation, but also ensures her room is dim and sleep-amenable all night.

Make sure pajamas and bed are comfortable and the right temperature.

If you don't have one yet -- white noise machine. Get two if you need to depending on noise inputs. We have one by the door to her room and another in the windowsill to mask noise from the street.

Continue to emphasize the importance of rest. Get some books that talk about why rest and good sleep are important. Demonstrate good sleep habits yourself. And so on.

She will get it eventually. In the meantime, accept that there will be nights she stays up until 11pm or later, or wakes up at 2am and stays up until 4am. Get okay with this. Yes, she will be tired. Natural consequences. She will get it. Stay consistent, stay calm, make sure you are getting enough sleep.

[Anonymous]

Cup of water within reach for her.
Potty time is done, so ignore.
White noise machine in her room.
Earplugs for the grown ups.