How to move on after a stillborn at 35 weeks?

[Anonymous]

I recently lost my baby at 35 weeks for no apparent reason. I had a healthy pregnancy and hit all the landmarks and milestones at the appropriate times. The baby showed no distress and my only indication was no movement. Went in for an ultrasound and the words that constantly haunt me "I am so sorry but there is no heart beat, is there anyone I can call for you" are forever etched in my mind. The next day I delivered my baby and left the hospital empty handed. Two days later, I buried my baby and now have nothing but tears and a broken heart. How do you pick up your life again? Some people know and others who see me just assume I had my baby and come up to congratulate me. How do you answer that without crying. I already have a child and taking care of my child seems impossible sometimes. This was a planned pregnancy and we had wanted very much to have this child. I have had extensive tests done, some results are in and some I am still waiting on but nothing has shown up. Dr. Pardo at Foxhall OBGYN has no answers and cannot explain what went wrong. I keep asking why me and why so late in the pregnancy. I was ready for my baby to come and had planned the next few months with the baby in mind. Now everything else is going on as planned except for my baby being in my arms. The thought of getting pregnant seems so scary and I don't know if I have it in me to try again. I have been reading about stillbirths and other parents stories but the grief is so overwhelming especially at night.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP. I know someone who decided to become a doula after a similar thing happened to her.

[Anonymous]

You may find it helpful to attend a support group for others who have lost babies. MIS stands for Miscarriage, Infant death, and Stillbirth. I am sorry for your loss.

MIS/SHARE Grief Group Meeting Schedule

( 301-460-6222 (24-hour message line)

Virginia – MIS/SHARE

Meeting Location:

St. Luke’s United Methodist Church

7628 Leesburg Pike

Falls Church

Meets the 2nd Thursday of every month 7:30-9:30 p.m.

Contact: Carolyn Mara ( 703-754-5836

Virginia – SPAL

(Subsequent Pregnancy After a Loss)

Contact: Carolyn Mara ( 703-754-5836

Maryland – MIS/SHARE

Meeting Location:

Holy Cross Resource Center (Rm. #6)

(across from Holy Cross Hospital)

9805 Dameron Drive Silver Spring, MD 20910



Meets the 1st Tuesday of every other month 7:30-9:30 p.m.

Contact: Jeanine McGrath 301-754-7030 ext. 1081 or (c) 240-481-3903.

For Spanish Speakers:

Call Maria Robles ( 703-326-9262

Para Información en Español:

Llame por Teléfono a Maria Robles

( 703-326-9262

For support with subsequent pregnancies,

Carolyn Mara ( 703-754-5836

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. My thoughts are with you.

[Anonymous]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my month-old daughter last year. It is a difficult road but there is light at the end of the tunnel. There are many support groups in the area, as listed in a previous post, to help parents who have dealt with perinatal loss. You are not alone. I found it helpful to speak with others who had lost a baby because the grief can be so isolating. I also found this blog to be helpful -- http://www.glowinthewoods.com.
Good luck. You will survive this. Just take it a day at a time.

[Anonymous]

I'm also so sorry OP. I urge you to seek some outside help - counseling, a support group, or both. This is not something you have to face alone - and even if you have a great support system, I think these outside perspectives and guidance may be a help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently lost my baby at 35 weeks for no apparent reason. I had a healthy pregnancy and hit all the landmarks and milestones at the appropriate times. The baby showed no distress and my only indication was no movement. Went in for an ultrasound and the words that constantly haunt me "I am so sorry but there is no heart beat, is there anyone I can call for you" are forever etched in my mind. The next day I delivered my baby and left the hospital empty handed. Two days later, I buried my baby and now have nothing but tears and a broken heart. How do you pick up your life again? Some people know and others who see me just assume I had my baby and come up to congratulate me. How do you answer that without crying. I already have a child and taking care of my child seems impossible sometimes. This was a planned pregnancy and we had wanted very much to have this child. I have had extensive tests done, some results are in and some I am still waiting on but nothing has shown up. Dr. Pardo at Foxhall OBGYN has no answers and cannot explain what went wrong. I keep asking why me and why so late in the pregnancy. I was ready for my baby to come and had planned the next few months with the baby in mind. Now everything else is going on as planned except for my baby being in my arms. The thought of getting pregnant seems so scary and I don't know if I have it in me to try again. I have been reading about stillbirths and other parents stories but the grief is so overwhelming especially at night.

I am so very sorry. There are no words for such a loss.

I have a friend who lost her baby at 37 weeks, for no apparent reason. She recommends the book, _Empty Cradle, Broken Heart_.

I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you are up for it, seek help from a support group. It will be a great relief to learn you are not alone, and you can safely grieve with others who totally understand.

Lean on those who offer support.

I am so so so so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. Please take good care of yourself and be patient and kind to yourself right now. What happened to you could happen to anyone and is so sad and scary, but it isn't your fault and you will get thru this, although everything will be different on the other side.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may find some comfort in a support group, but we all understand your pain cannot be undone. I have several friends who lost pregnancies very late (one in the 9th month, one in the 8th) as well as a friend who lost a child, and it always remained a reference point in their life for their lowest moment. That's just how it is. But that does not mean that there will not be joy or love or children for you (I don't know if you have others). It only means that this is just a terrible tragedy that you must move forward from. That's about all you can do.

I'll be thinking of you tonight.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I lost my baby in the third trimester.

I always recommend to those going through a pregnancy loss that they go to MIS support groups and sometimes people find them helpful, while other times I think they are not helpful. I think it often depends on the mix of people and how well everyone connects and that is unpredictable. I'd just say give it a try, but don't feel too let down if it isn't extremely helpful for you while you grieve.

I'd also seek out individual counseling with a therapist. If you don't already know of one, contact MIS (as the previous poster gave contact info) and ask for recommendations for therapists in your area. MIS is a very good organization and will help you.

Realize that it is a long road and while you probably are getting support from friends and family right now, you will feel pain much longer than most around you expect you to need. It has taken me years and even with another child, it is very hard. There are many women who unfortunately understand all too well what you are feeling, but you might not know them personally, know they are out there.

Unfortunately you likely won't get an answer for the "WHY?" question from the OBs. They should of course do thorough testing but it is actually relatively uncommon for an answer to be found.

I'm so sorry, OP, and let us know how we can help you. We're thinking of you....

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry.