Being angry at someone you love

[Anonymous]

What do you do when you are rationally angry at someone who has really harmed you but whom you still irrationally really love? I find it impossible to stay angry when with this person in person, they just melt it away from me, but when apart I am furious. But then I don’t want to hurt them and love them again. Even though they hurt me.

[Anonymous]

If this is a romantic partner, you get therapy and you break up.

If this is a mother/sibling/child relationship, you get therapy and build boundaries, whatever that may look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is a romantic partner, you get therapy and you break up.

If this is a mother/sibling/child relationship, you get therapy and build boundaries, whatever that may look like.

This is just crazy. At a certain point you can’t keep breaking up with everyone who makes you angry. You have to learn how to fight and how to forgive. That is what the OP is asking, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a romantic partner, you get therapy and you break up.

If this is a mother/sibling/child relationship, you get therapy and build boundaries, whatever that may look like.

This is just crazy. At a certain point you can’t keep breaking up with everyone who makes you angry. You have to learn how to fight and how to forgive. That is what the OP is asking, I think.

Unless he or she is in an abuse cycle.

Agree with the therapy, keep a log book, take some trips away from each other, ie you visit friends or family by yourself. You need to zoom out and get that perspective. Then answer What is making you angry? Is it his behavior? How he treats you? What he says versus what he ends up doing? How he says things?
Is it reasonable to get angry in these situations? Is the it accumulation of things getting you angry?

Do you get as angry at work or with other people?

Is it even really anger? Maybe it’s just you commenting on something or offering an opinion. Or trying to fix something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when you are rationally angry at someone who has really harmed you but whom you still irrationally really love? I find it impossible to stay angry when with this person in person, they just melt it away from me, but when apart I am furious. But then I don’t want to hurt them and love them again. Even though they hurt me.

Not good. Get therapy. Lay low. Talk with your support group.

Someone has harmed you. Red flag.

They may or may not have taken responsibility and made amends. Or maybe this is the 2nd or 3rd or 10th time.

[Anonymous]

OP- same situation. And person has shown empathy, sincere remorse and actively changed - over 18 months and I am still stuck. They have gone above and beyond and I’m still stuck.

Have you tried therapy?

Anger is protection. Also, to get that passionate there us usually deep love but incredible fear in trusting again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when you are rationally angry at someone who has really harmed you but whom you still irrationally really love? I find it impossible to stay angry when with this person in person, they just melt it away from me, but when apart I am furious. But then I don’t want to hurt them and love them again. Even though they hurt me.

Not good. Get therapy. Lay low. Talk with your support group.

Someone has harmed you. Red flag.

They may or may not have taken responsibility and made amends. Or maybe this is the 2nd or 3rd or 10th time.

That’s just it. They haven’t taken responsibility or made amends. Although they acknowledged that they did hurt me. I want to hold them accountable but am scared to bc I think I will lose them or they will lose love for me even though I think you can both love someone AND hold them accountable at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Dialectical behavioral therapy!!! It has been a game-changer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when you are rationally angry at someone who has really harmed you but whom you still irrationally really love? I find it impossible to stay angry when with this person in person, they just melt it away from me, but when apart I am furious. But then I don’t want to hurt them and love them again. Even though they hurt me.

Not good. Get therapy. Lay low. Talk with your support group.

Someone has harmed you. Red flag.

They may or may not have taken responsibility and made amends. Or maybe this is the 2nd or 3rd or 10th time.

That’s just it. They haven’t taken responsibility or made amends. Although they acknowledged that they did hurt me. I want to hold them accountable but am scared to bc I think I will lose them or they will lose love for me even though I think you can both love someone AND hold them accountable at the same time.

Give them the chance to be held accountable, OP. That’s the only you’ll know whether they’re worth the stress and anxiety.

[Anonymous]

What did the person do? Why are you angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when you are rationally angry at someone who has really harmed you but whom you still irrationally really love? I find it impossible to stay angry when with this person in person, they just melt it away from me, but when apart I am furious. But then I don’t want to hurt them and love them again. Even though they hurt me.

Not good. Get therapy. Lay low. Talk with your support group.

Someone has harmed you. Red flag.

They may or may not have taken responsibility and made amends. Or maybe this is the 2nd or 3rd or 10th time.

That’s just it. They haven’t taken responsibility or made amends. Although they acknowledged that they did hurt me. I want to hold them accountable but am scared to bc I think I will lose them or they will lose love for me even though I think you can both love someone AND hold them accountable at the same time.

Give them the chance to be held accountable, OP. That’s the only you’ll know whether they’re worth the stress and anxiety.

Thanks this is a constructive suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a romantic partner, you get therapy and you break up.

If this is a mother/sibling/child relationship, you get therapy and build boundaries, whatever that may look like.

This is just crazy. At a certain point you can’t keep breaking up with everyone who makes you angry. You have to learn how to fight and how to forgive. That is what the OP is asking, I think.

If you are fighting and getting angry a lot you have an issue of you pick toxic people to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a romantic partner, you get therapy and you break up.

If this is a mother/sibling/child relationship, you get therapy and build boundaries, whatever that may look like.

This is just crazy. At a certain point you can’t keep breaking up with everyone who makes you angry. You have to learn how to fight and how to forgive. That is what the OP is asking, I think.

If you are fighting and getting angry a lot you have an issue of you pick toxic people to be around.

I’m not and we don’t at all. This is the first time something of this magnitude has occurred.

[Anonymous]

If someone physically hurts you it's time to break up. They might manage to fix themselves completely, but when they do they should try their new self out on someone else, not you.

If you allow someone who hurt you another chance you are not demonstrating your love for them, you are demonstrating your lack of love and respect for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone physically hurts you it's time to break up. They might manage to fix themselves completely, but when they do they should try their new self out on someone else, not you.

If you allow someone who hurt you another chance you are not demonstrating your love for them, you are demonstrating your lack of love and respect for yourself.

There is nothing even remotely like physical abuse or verbal abuse. This is an emotional issue and kind of an epiphany that changed how we see each other. Nothing abusive per se, more like the end of a long period of blindness or misdirection.

But in general I think it is ridiculous to assume you can go through life breaking up with everyone who hurts you. People hurt you, and you hurt other people, and you both try not to, but sometimes you do anyway, and a long term commitment is practically a guarantee that you will, at some point, get hurt. The most you can say is that you can choose to be hurt by that person, in their way, rather than by anybody else; and that you will deal with it and evolve, together. Forgive and remember, is so much of the long haul.