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Competition between two sons as get older
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Anonymous
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I am trying to come up with a strategy for my two sons.
I hear about competition among siblings --especially among boys. My older son who is 6 is a sensitive type, eager to learn, and excels at piano. The younger one (2 years old) is...well, different. Wild, rambunctious, and fun, but stubborn. We have a feeling that younger one is more of a free sprit. My husband seems to think the younger one should be in sports, which I'm not against. Thinking about the dynamics of two boys competing against each other, my husband thinks it's a good idea to put them in completely different activities. But I still want the younger one to learn to play music as well. I am wondering if it is better for the younger one to learn to play a different kind of instrument, like a violin (I fear the older one is going to be jealous and he is going to want to ditch the piano and do violin), rather than putting the younger one in piano as well (in which case, he might feel like he is just following the footsteps of his older brother). I would like them both to thrive to their full potential, but the sibling dynamic is a challenge. Does anyone have any experience to share? Do they really compete that much? I appreciate any advice or thoughts. Thanks! |
Anonymous
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My experience is of having been the older of two girls, 13 months apart. To the extent that my parents went the differentiation route (same logic -- minimize competition by giving each her own realm), I don't think it was a great idea. It left #2 not realizing she was smart and me not thinking I was sociable. We're each both (and more alike than different), but it took longer to figure that out because of intra-family typecasting.
Basically, I came out of that experience thinking that parents shouldn't channel kids into different activities but should let them choose. In other words, let them figure out on their own who they are, how they differ from each other, and what they share. Plus, in the end, differentiation as a means of preventing competition is kind of a lost cause -- both will go to school and even if they end up in different school, there's still who gets better grades, finds the work easier, wins award, makes the team, etc. RE music. I'd let #2 choose his own instrument. And I'd throw guitar into the mix as an option. If #1 wants to switch, let him add the second instrument on a trial basis if you can afford it. FWIW, we have friends who have 3 boys, at least 2 of whom are quite competitive, but music is one of the areas where that doesn't seem to be a problem. I think they all play two instruments and each has one that's his alone. They're also able to play together in different formats and enjoy that. |
Anonymous
| First of all, they are four years apart, so they really won't be as competitive as siblings that are only a year or two apart. I would wait and think this through when your youngest is older. By the time he's five, you'll know if he wants to play soccer and/or study piano or the violin, etc. It's a little early to know where you'll all be in two or three years. And you'll also see how far along your oldest is with piano. The worst sibling rivalry cases I know were all between sibs who were a year apart in school. Your sons' spacing will spare you most if not all of that! |
Anonymous
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Thanks PPs for your advice.
Hearing the first poster's own experience was very helpful. My concerns about typecating my two boys and not giving them the same opportunities is exactly the reason why I don't completely agree with my husband when he says we should gear #2 more into sports, and that we have to accept that he is just not going to be like #1. I was starting to think that maybe he is right, so I am glad to hear your perspectives. The guitar is a great idea! I also appreciate you mentioning the example of the family with 3 boys -- 2 instruments per kid with one instrument to make it his own. I love that idea! To the last poster-- I know it seems a little early, but #2 is already starting to show many interests including music, and many other things that #1 is interested in. So we started talking about how to handle the dynamic between them. Since #1 is rather sensitive, we feel there is a need to think about how #1's actions may affect #2's, and vice versa. I wouldn't know how it will be if they are 1-2 year(s) apart, but the competition is definitely there! |
Anonymous
| OP, I have identical twin boys, so my perspective may be of limited value. I agree that at 4 years apart you shouldn't have too much trouble with competition unless the younger starts to outshine the older at something (I have seen this happen in some families where the younger turns out to be a superior athlete, for example, and starts to beat the older brother at tennis or some other individual sport -- it matters less in team sports where there is not direct competition). As to music, ours started out together in Suzuki violin, and when one started to advance more quickly than the other, we immediately moved the other to cello. He still plays cello at 14 today and is quite good. The other moved on to piano. They both also chose different jazz instruments (drums and guitar) and play in a jazz band together at school. I definitely think "steering" toward different instruments is a good idea if music is important in your family, because it is very easy to compare progress on the same instrument. With sports, let them play what they like. We let both of ours try everything, and they both chose they same sport (no big suprpirse -- they are identical!). Have fun! |
Anonymous
| PP 13:15 again. Of course #2's s interested in what his older brother is interested in! That's what he's exposed to. I don't think you should dampen #2's interests because his older brother is sensitive. That is what is sounds like you are doing (thinking more of #1 than #2). That's not fair to the youngest one. Children lead the way with activities, by expressing interest and demonstrating talent. Unless $2 is a prodigy, he is not going to surpass his older brother's musical prowess, is he? For now, why not let #2 pick whatever he wants and work on getting #1 to understand that that's fair. Otherwise he's ineffectively calling the shots because he go to order off the menu. I'm curious: Do you have siblings? My dad was an only child and he did not get sibling rivalry. It's really hard to eliminate sibling rivalry altogether with parenting strategies without sacrificing a child's interests. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for your advice and sharing your experience--this was very insightful. I found your approach to music interesting. I like what you did--it sounds like it's working out well. I also thought having different approaches in music and sports was a great idea! >>I have seen this happen in some families where the younger turns out to be a superior athlete, for example, and starts to beat the older brother at tennis or some other individual sport -- it matters less in team sports where there is not direct competition We recently heard about a similar situation that happened to our family friend, which is why my husband and I started talking about sibling competition. In this case, the two boys played the same sport (football, I think), but the younger one became a star athlete at their high school and now seeking athletic college scholarship. The older one has always been academically superior, but it seems that the whole thing upset the older one so bad that he started slacking off in school work. Gades got bad enough that the #1 getting a scholarship is in question. This is just really sad...especially because this older kid has been very good and now he is falling apart. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for your input. We are not withholding anything from #2 yet, because he is still very young and he does not have any established interests yet. I am of the opinion that #2 should start learning music around the same time #1 did, and see where it goes. Only I was struggling to decide how we are going to do this to avoid chaos down the road. I appreciate all the points you made--we are not there yet, but they are valid points. I do have an older brother who is 2 years older than me, and yes there was sibling rivalry, but it was different because of the gender difference. |
Anonymous
| It's great that you're aware of it already and are doing things to bring out the strengths in each one. I'm from a family of 6 kids and we definitely had our competitions -- but my two older brothers (11 months apart) still do not get along to this day, and they're 46 & 47. My dad let the competitiveness go on unchecked - the whole "boys will be boys" thing. In retrospect, I think a little intervention would've gone a long way. The rest of us get along very well, it's sad to see those two still going at it after all these years. |
Anonymous
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This is the OP. Thanks PP for sharing your experience.
Competing against each other into their 40s and 50s--that is so sad... We don't plan to have any more kids so we want our kids to get along while thriving to their full potential. Hopefully our little strategy will help--even just a little. |
Anonymous
But perhaps this happened because there was not enough direct competition while they were younger, so the older never learned to cope. I have two boys - two years apart - and the first time the younger one surpassed the older at something, it was quite a blow to the older one. We sympathized, but pointed out that he can't always be the best at everything, that he is the best at some things, and that age gives less of an advantage each year so this will happen again. He learned to deal with it, which I think is a plus. And, to a large extent, the two boys self-select into different activities and interests, which keeps the competition manageable. |
Anonymous
| 18:35 I like your philosophy. (I'm a PP, only one child, but one of four!) |
Anonymous
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OP again. 18:35--Great insight!
I really like what you did with your boys. Now your older boy is equipped with the skill of dealing with disappointments. That skill will be so useful in so many different settings in life. Thanks for sharing that! |
Anonymous
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Read Siblings without Rivalry if you haven't already; it's invaluable. I would second the posters who said not to steer your boys because by doing so you are really typecasting them. After reading SWR I immediately stopped "categorizing" my boys and nipped it in the bud from family too. Our boys two years apart could be described similar to yours and our family was projecting all kinds of things. So, when one said "he's such a free spirit" I would say "yes, they both are free spirits from time to time." They got the idea and now I rarely have to do that anymore. The book has great practical ideas, so much so that I credit them for having a great relationship. I also have them bunk together, which in my mind, keeps them close.
If music or sports is important to your family, then make it a priority for both boys. I think it's great you're thinking of this now, but realize too, there's only so much a parent can do to influence sibling relationships, in terms of closeness. I think 18:15's advice is great, I think it's good for a family to celebrate an individual accomplishment, everyone will have a turn. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for the book recommendation. I am going to order it today.
Typecasting is something that is hard to deal with. The two boys are definitely different. It's hard not to think about the difference when they do something that the other one would never do!! To be honest, I would have to constantly remind myself not to put that idea in action when making a decision about their activities, etc. I hope the book can help me...I'm excited! Thanks. |