Inflexibility with Mom's job as it relates to seeing her Grandkids

[Anonymous]

My Mom works as a Director of a small non-profit. She's been there for six years, but has been involved with them for much longer. She was previously in a typical high powered corporate job before getting laid off, so this role is a nice change of pace. She generally likes the job, and it's pretty flexible, except for one issue: this organization puts on events every Sunday during the school year. My Mom is generally occupied from 10am-5/6pm or so each Sunday. From my understanding, her presence at each Sunday event isn't 100% necessary, and it would be possible for her to delegate some of those tasks to other staff members, but it's one of those things where "we've always done it this way, so might as well keep doing it."

To give some background, here's a list of my siblings, their locations relative to where my parents live, and the ages of their children:


Me and DH: 13 month old, seven hour drive
Sibling A and spouse: Twin 10 month olds, four hour drive
Sibling B and spouse: six month old, five hour drive
Sibling C and spouse: no kids, 10 hour drive/two hour flight


In the past, it's sort of been this unspoken arrangement that during the school year when my Mom has her Sunday's booked, we'd be the ones to visit our parents. It wasn't ideal, but we'd do it. However, now that three of us have young kids close in age, traveling is pretty difficult, especially since all the grandkids are in daycare. My Mom has said "oh, we can come to visit during the week!" but again, since all the grandkids are in daycare, it seems like there's little point to doing that.

As our kids get older, my siblings and I are worried that it's going to be basically impossible to see our parents on a weekend during the school year given my Mom's job, especially once the kids start getting older and having their own activities. I gently pressed my Mom about if she'd consider finding an alternative to being at her work events every Sunday (ex. taking one Sunday off and finding other staff members to cover), and her response was "oh no, I couldn't do that! I couldn't do that to the staff, and how would it look if I wasn't there every Sunday?"

I can't help but feel frustrated that she's putting the needs of her job over seeing her own Grandchildren? Am I out of line in thinking this way? Is there anything I can do?

[Anonymous]

My first thought after reading that is that all of you live pretty far away to be making regular weekend visits. Those are long drives. Why not just meet up on vacations and holidays?

She doesn't owe you weekend visits. If she prefers to be there for her job, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Putting her job over seeing her grandchildren is her prerogative. It’s sad for you, but she’s a grownup who gets to make her own choices. “Sorry, you visiting during the week doesn’t work because of daycare” is a fine thing to say. You each have lives independent of the grandparent / grandchild relationship and they may not mesh very well with each other.

[Anonymous]

If you work and your mom works, both of you need to work together to take turns taking time off to see each other. Either you want to see her or you don't, so take a few days and travel or be home, and pull your kid from daycare or take them a half day while you have brunch with mom or something.

The Sunday thing is her job, so if she has to take off Thurs - Sat, surely you can contend with that?

When your kids start school this will get exponentially harder.

[Anonymous]

Wait holy cow I didn’t read closely enough, that’s a ludicrous distance to see regularly or redesign your work life around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first thought after reading that is that all of you live pretty far away to be making regular weekend visits. Those are long drives. Why not just meet up on vacations and holidays?

She doesn't owe you weekend visits. If she prefers to be there for her job, so be it.

+1

My parents are about 7 hours away. Pre kids, I visited 4-5 times a year, always holidays, vacations or long weekends. They would come to me maybe once. Now that I have two littles, I visit maybe 3 times per year, they visit me prob 4-5 times a year, but again almost always a long weekend or holiday.

[Anonymous]

None of you live close enough for regular weekend visits. I think you’re inventing a problem here. Get together during the summer and holidays like the rest of us do.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you just pull your kids out of daycare when she comes out to visit? Instead of expecting her to rearrange her life, why don’t you just take your kids out every now and then so she can spend quality time with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just pull your kids out of daycare when she comes out to visit? Instead of expecting her to rearrange her life, why don’t you just take your kids out every now and then so she can spend quality time with them?

Seriously, this

[Anonymous]

Her priorities are her priorities. They are what they are, and you are not in charge of them.

The natural consequences of her priorities are that she won’t see her grandkids.

You don’t twist yourself into a pretzel for her. If she can spare some time to see them on a schedule that works for you, great! If not, oh well.

[Anonymous]

You want someone to rearrange their work schedule permanently so you can visit sporadically when you live 7 hours away? Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? It’s not like it’s a volunteer position.

[Anonymous]

Just to reiterate what others have said:

- 7 hours (or even 4 hours) is way too long for regular weekend visits. If you want to see your parents frequently, one of you needs to relocate.

- If she wants to visit during the week, let hew, and pull the kids from daycare. Why on earth wouldn't you do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of you live close enough for regular weekend visits. I think you’re inventing a problem here. Get together during the summer and holidays like the rest of us do.

This. Or schedule something off-holiday, take the kids out of daycare, and/or take time off work if you want to visit with your parents.

Like a lot of people on DCUM, I'm not from DC and my parents live an airplane ride away. I call them weekly and we see them a few times a year. I wish they would move closer (they're retired and can) but they won't, so that's what it is.

FWIW, my ILs live 40 minutes away and we don't see them weekly either, because we're busy and we need some downtime. I can't fathom how you've been doing weekly seven hour drives.

[Anonymous]

1. For now she can visit during the week and takes care of the kids, perhaps using the daycare for half-days if she gets tired.

2. She clearly isn't a baby person, and doesn't see the point right now. Perhaps when they're older they will be more interesting to her. Continue to persuade her and she might be willing to visit on weekends in a few years - especially considering she might retire from her job, and feel her age and not want to stay for every Sunday event.

3. You're all far away. Accept that you'll see each other less and less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Mom works as a Director of a small non-profit. She's been there for six years, but has been involved with them for much longer. She was previously in a typical high powered corporate job before getting laid off, so this role is a nice change of pace. She generally likes the job, and it's pretty flexible, except for one issue: this organization puts on events every Sunday during the school year. My Mom is generally occupied from 10am-5/6pm or so each Sunday. From my understanding, her presence at each Sunday event isn't 100% necessary, and it would be possible for her to delegate some of those tasks to other staff members, but it's one of those things where "we've always done it this way, so might as well keep doing it."

To give some background, here's a list of my siblings, their locations relative to where my parents live, and the ages of their children:


Me and DH: 13 month old, seven hour drive
Sibling A and spouse: Twin 10 month olds, four hour drive
Sibling B and spouse: six month old, five hour drive
Sibling C and spouse: no kids, 10 hour drive/two hour flight


In the past, it's sort of been this unspoken arrangement that during the school year when my Mom has her Sunday's booked, we'd be the ones to visit our parents. It wasn't ideal, but we'd do it. However, now that three of us have young kids close in age, traveling is pretty difficult, especially since all the grandkids are in daycare. My Mom has said "oh, we can come to visit during the week!" but again, since all the grandkids are in daycare, it seems like there's little point to doing that.

As our kids get older, my siblings and I are worried that it's going to be basically impossible to see our parents on a weekend during the school year given my Mom's job, especially once the kids start getting older and having their own activities. I gently pressed my Mom about if she'd consider finding an alternative to being at her work events every Sunday (ex. taking one Sunday off and finding other staff members to cover), and her response was "oh no, I couldn't do that! I couldn't do that to the staff, and how would it look if I wasn't there every Sunday?"

I can't help but feel frustrated that she's putting the needs of her job over seeing her own Grandchildren? Am I out of line in thinking this way? Is there anything I can do?

I don't understand what you are saying here OP. There is no harm at all in pulling your kids out of daycare - it's not like pulling them out of school. Go see your mom during the week.