Wife Is Driving Me Nuts

[Anonymous]

I’m very irritated with my wife. We have been house hunting for the past 6 months and we have lost out on some really nice homes because she can’t make a decision. She’s very indecisive about big things like this. She complains almost everyday that we need more space and she wants to move but she always finds something wrong with a house. We have a general area we want to move to but she finds something ( usually small) wrong with every house. She is driving me nuts.

[Anonymous]

I'd back off and try to be less invested. This sounds like her buying style and she will not understand your frustration.

[Anonymous]

Values clarification exercise. That way you can mutually agree what your priorities are. If she brings up some small reason why a house won’t do, ask her if it is one of her top priorities and if so, should you add it to the list. If not, remind her that it shouldn’t trump your top priorities.

It’s a difficult decision for many people. I am extremely indecisive. My spouse and I did the above exercise, and went to see houses with our list of priorities. We bought the first house we came across that checked all our high-priority boxes. I still can’t believe we managed to do that, but it worked out very well and we’re very happy in our new home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Values clarification exercise. That way you can mutually agree what your priorities are. If she brings up some small reason why a house won’t do, ask her if it is one of her top priorities and if so, should you add it to the list. If not, remind her that it shouldn’t trump your top priorities.

It’s a difficult decision for many people. I am extremely indecisive. My spouse and I did the above exercise, and went to see houses with our list of priorities. We bought the first house we came across that checked all our high-priority boxes. I still can’t believe we managed to do that, but it worked out very well and we’re very happy in our new home.

This OP. You say you've lost out on some nice houses. Have her review each of them and write down exactly what was wrong with each one, and was it really worth it to lose the house over that detail. I would also put her on a bit of a timeline. If shes complaining that you need more space, tell her that your goal is to be moved by January 1 (or whatever date) and you need to start actively working towards that. This is still all too much in the abstract for indecisive people like your wife. She needs to have some pressure put on her, be it a deadline or a forced exercise in better clarifying her priorities.

[Anonymous]

You need a better agent. The agent should have gone through all dealbreakers and then pounced. Write down here in a reply the small things wrong with each house.

[Anonymous]

You’ve gotten some great advice and I do sympathize with you, especially since she is compliant, but for what it’s worth six months isn’t unusually long to be looking for a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve gotten some great advice and I do sympathize with you, especially since she is compliant, but for what it’s worth six months isn’t unusually long to be looking for a house.

Complaining. Not compliant. Ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a better agent. The agent should have gone through all dealbreakers and then pounced. Write down here in a reply the small things wrong with each house.

The problem is that many in this area aren't realistic about dealbreakers if they don't have millions or decide based on vague preferences rather than dealbreakers per se. I'd just let your wife house hunt on her own and have her let you know when she finds something she's serious about and wants you to see. But the deal would be no complaining about current quarters in the meantime!

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my good friend. She and her DH have been looking since before the pandemic. During the early days of the pandemic they got really aggressive looking, and she found fault with every single home of the dozens and dozens they viewed. Now the pickings in their budget are crappier and smaller because prices have gone up so much.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I sound like your wife. I want a home, we need more space, we need our own space, I constantly stay we should buy, but ultimately I am afraid to buy right now due to many reasons beyond current seemingly high home prices. What if the stock market crashes, what if we are going into a protracted period of inflation that causes problems with our jobs, our investments not growing for several years . . . Basically I am in a fear loop. So I find something wrong with every house we see.

[Anonymous]

Buying at all time peak value per square foot would turn a lot of people off.

[Anonymous]

Buy an old tear down w cash and do a 2 year tear down and rebuild. That’ll get her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Values clarification exercise. That way you can mutually agree what your priorities are. If she brings up some small reason why a house won’t do, ask her if it is one of her top priorities and if so, should you add it to the list. If not, remind her that it shouldn’t trump your top priorities.

It’s a difficult decision for many people. I am extremely indecisive. My spouse and I did the above exercise, and went to see houses with our list of priorities. We bought the first house we came across that checked all our high-priority boxes. I still can’t believe we managed to do that, but it worked out very well and we’re very happy in our new home.

This OP. You say you've lost out on some nice houses. Have her review each of them and write down exactly what was wrong with each one, and was it really worth it to lose the house over that detail. I would also put her on a bit of a timeline. If shes complaining that you need more space, tell her that your goal is to be moved by January 1 (or whatever date) and you need to start actively working towards that. This is still all too much in the abstract for indecisive people like your wife. She needs to have some pressure put on her, be it a deadline or a forced exercise in better clarifying her priorities.

Excellent advice from these pps.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We both work. I make more money but that doesn’t matter. It’s our money.

Most of the complaints about the houses are negligible. It’s always the house is too small, the house is too big, the yard is too small, she doesn’t like the layout, she doesn’t know the look of the outside of the house, etc.

It drives me nuts. We had about 5 houses we could’ve bought but she had issue with every one of them. Then she complains everyday how she can’t wait to move because we are running out of space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We both work. I make more money but that doesn’t matter. It’s our money.

Most of the complaints about the houses are negligible. It’s always the house is too small, the house is too big, the yard is too small, she doesn’t like the layout, she doesn’t know the look of the outside of the house, etc.

It drives me nuts. We had about 5 houses we could’ve bought but she had issue with every one of them. Then she complains everyday how she can’t wait to move because we are running out of space.

Those are not negligible at all.

PPs had some excellent advice but I would say something about the complaining. Be mindful in how you approach it but it’s fair to say that the complaining is getting to be too much for you, even if she is just venting.