Words or tone to take to address husbands drinking
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Anonymous
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My husband has a drinking problem. Mostly binge drinking. The physical consequences are subtle for now but are real (poor sleep, slight weight gain, lower libido). He drinks alone, beer mostly, after I go to bed, not every night but I would say 3-4 nights per week, and out of habit I count beer cans the morning after in the recycling bin (usually 5, sometimes 8, rarely 4). Often if we have a bottle of my wine open he will finish it (which has caused me to no longer drink). On a rare occasion he will drink a bottle of wine alone. He had made some changes to reduce after I confront him gently and delicately but they never last. I have compassion and empathy and have tried being careful about my concerns, to mostly failure. In truth I find this behavior disgusting and totally out of whack with our family goals. He knows I don’t like it but doesn’t know how much I hate it. If I told him this it might have some impact but maybe not, and the latter possibility scares me. I think I am deep down scared that I will eventually have to take drastic measures and that terrifies me enough to tolerate repetitively something that I hate. I hate it because it’s toxic, it’s self destructive, and alcohol is insidious and a slippery slope. I also feel like every day I bust my butt at work to try to make things great for our family and this is so the opposite of that. Selfishly I miss him in bed and am hurt that he chooses drinking over intimacy.
I don’t know how to express my thoughts on this without alienating him and could use some advice. I love him dearly with all of my being and he is an incredible father. It is hard to watch this and I am sure it is to cover up or cope with depression. I have expressed concern and love and a desire to help but again it hasn’t been enough. If anyone would be willing to share what worked for you (if you were successfully confronted) or if you did this with your spouse? Thank you. |
Anonymous
| I am an alcoholic who only stopped after my wife left me. If your husband knew my story he would never drink again. It is possible to stop and some of us have no other choice. Best of luck to you. |
Anonymous
| Try attending Al-anon. They will understand exactly what you’re going through and may have advice. |
Anonymous
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If you ask questions like honey, are you feeling depressed, are you feeling worried, how is work, what does he say?
I guess what I mean is, is there something going on that the drinking is a way of medicating or escaping? I wonder if he'd be more open to talking about stuff that might be causing him to drink more, or maybe starting therapy to talk about those issues. I also think Al-anon or a therapist for yourself would be a good idea. This is a hard thing for you to go through, and you could use support and advice. |
Anonymous
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He would rather drink alone after you go to bed than go to bed with you.
The problem isn't his drinking it is your relationship. I don't know how you open up the discussions for that, but suggest it is a first step. |
Anonymous
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Read this, OP (below). It's a great book for families of those struggling with addiction and is very helpful in explaining how to capitalize on his natural motivation and how to approach him without shaming him:
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change by Jeffrey Foote. |
Anonymous
Stop blaming the wife for the husband’s drinking problem. Even if they have an unhappy marriage, normal people don’t solve their relationship woes by drinking heavily. OP, please start attending Al-anon openly, i.e. your husband has to know you think he has a serious drinking problem and that you are seeking help for the way it affects you. You should also start seeing an individual therapist. You meed support for the way this is impacting you and to help you make decisions about your life. Personally, I stopped drinking with my now ex DH - I wasn’t enjoying it because he used my normal drinking (a glass of wine) to enable his abnormal drinking. My stopping didn’t make him stop, but it did make me feel more comfortable and gave our kids a better and different model of no or moderate drinking. Thankfully, after several generations of alcoholism, the kids seem to have broken the cycle (at least so far). |
Anonymous
| Before throwing my hands up and going to Al Anon, I would ask him if you two can find a different way for him to unwind in the evening. Maybe some CBD and Kava (can't mix kava with booze though). Going to a gym. Walking. He needs a healthier alternative. |
Anonymous
| And a PhD for therapy for him |
Anonymous
It's certainly unhealthy, but I think you're being too quick to dismiss this kind of behavior as unusual. I don't think it's terribly uncommon for people to use alcohol to treat the feelings they have when relationships are going poorly. (I don't know if that's what is going on in OP's situation - maybe her DH is running from something else entirely.) |
Anonymous
| I thought your post was beautifully written. Full of love and worry. Could you give him those words in a letter if they are too hard to say? |
Anonymous
| Alcoholism is a genetic illness. Does he have any biological family members with alcohol or drug addictions? |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you all for the thoughtful helpful replies. This is the one that stings the most. (Truth hurts). Anyways appreciate the input and back to work for me. |
Anonymous
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Expressing your thoughts, how to express yourself -- is the least important thing. He's not changing for you. He's an alcoholic.
Get help for yourself thru AA or Al-anon. |
Anonymous
| I wrote a long letter to my husband expressing my concern for our children, our marriage and him. It didn’t stop his drinking but he definitely cut back. |