Vent: Father in law who dissects our home

[Anonymous]

My in laws are doing a major home renovation (new kitchen, new floors, paint, etc).

We recently (1 year ago) bought a new build home. My father in law keeps inviting himself over to our house on the pretense of wanting to hang out with our kids, but then when he arrives, he barely acknowledges our kids and proceeds with questioning every design choice we have made.

Mind you, we did not choose everything in our house because it was a builder spec home. He obnoxiously opens every cabinet of ours and takes pictures of the depth / width of shelves, colors, brand of oven range, appliances and even the shape of the handles and plumbing. Then he proceeds to tell me that the builder didn’t install something correctly so questions why something was placed where it was. I have explained to him numerous times that we bought a cookie cutter home and didn’t get the choice to customize everything and we were ok with that. But he won’t relent!

He has a contractor and designer who is helping them so it’s not like he’s needs to know this info.

He will text me mid day with an urgent message to send him the exact name of the quartz we used in the bathroom. When I tell him the info, he then proceeds to tell me that the quartz he is installing is better. WTF - I don’t care!

I have now started ignoring him and making him go through DH. DH keeps falling for the “I miss my grandkids, can I stop by to see them?” bit so he tells them to stop by, and then rinse and repeat. I’ve been hiding in my office when they come so that DH can deal with it but it’s literally driving me batty.

Their renovation has gone on for 9 months and they insist that we come over to see their progress. For the last month, I’ve refused to go over, citing one excuse or another. I’m letting DH go (who has gone begrudgingly).

And today, my FIL complained to my DH’s non-local siblings that we are not being supportive with their renovation. ARGH - we don’t need more family drama!

Sorry - I know it’s a lot to take in but I have nowhere else to vent.

[Anonymous]

Wow. He is a pain in the ass. Maybe anxiety though? Still. So self-centered.

[Anonymous]

So your ILs told people that you “weren’t supportive of the renovation.” So effing what? Who cares? What does that matter? It’s not like they said you had cancer or were cheating on your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your ILs told people that you “weren’t supportive of the renovation.” So effing what? Who cares? What does that matter? It’s not like they said you had cancer or were cheating on your husband.

+1. What does it even mean to be “supportive” of a freaking renovation? It’s not like you are ignoring him after a major surgery or big life change or something! Just continue to ignore or say, “that’s nice, Bill” when he brings it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your ILs told people that you “weren’t supportive of the renovation.” So effing what? Who cares? What does that matter? It’s not like they said you had cancer or were cheating on your husband.

Then the siblings can listen to him.

DH needs to man up and tell his dad what’s what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your ILs told people that you “weren’t supportive of the renovation.” So effing what? Who cares? What does that matter? It’s not like they said you had cancer or were cheating on your husband.

+1. What does it even mean to be “supportive” of a freaking renovation? It’s not like you are ignoring him after a major surgery or big life change or something! Just continue to ignore or say, “that’s nice, Bill” when he brings it up.

Op here. Who knows what he meant. We were handling him as best as we could but now he’s starting stirring crap with the siblings I am even more annoyed. This family likes the drama and it is so exhausting!

[Anonymous]

UGH. I feel for you. Your husband can tell his father that he's getting tired of the constant put-downs, since every time he compares something, it's never in your favor. So unless he starts being more supportive of his son, there isn't going to be much support coming his way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your ILs told people that you “weren’t supportive of the renovation.” So effing what? Who cares? What does that matter? It’s not like they said you had cancer or were cheating on your husband.

+1. What does it even mean to be “supportive” of a freaking renovation? It’s not like you are ignoring him after a major surgery or big life change or something! Just continue to ignore or say, “that’s nice, Bill” when he brings it up.

Op here. Who knows what he meant. We were handling him as best as we could but now he’s starting stirring crap with the siblings I am even more annoyed. This family likes the drama and it is so exhausting!

This is only “drama” because you are choosing to see it as such. It is “so exhausting” because you insist on giving it not only mental energy and mental real estate, but time spent here on DCUM stewing in it.

If my FIL told me I “wasn’t supportive of a renovation,” I’d laugh and say I’m not into the HGTV stuff, but hope he’s enjoying it. And if he gossiped about me, I’d laugh. Because who the frick cares if you get a reputation of…of what? Of not caring about tiles and knobs?

[Anonymous]

Point out "that's not very nice to say" when he makes those direct comparisons unfavorable to your home. Letting him grill you, measure things and providing vendors sounds supportive. Did you maybe drag your feet on some info and that is what they view as unsupportive and maybe him ending up choosing something else and telling you it was actually a better option was his jab at you not giving him info quickly? NOT that this is any of your duty to give him any specs, just trying to understand why they feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Agree with him. He will stop when he gets no resistance.